Yeah, as I slowly start to get my head wrapped back around everything it is becoming clear that its back to DB mode for me. Probably should brush up on the 37 rules again.
I guess the problem is that it's difficult to accept the collapse from where I was. It literally feels at times just like the days/weeks after the first BD. In her mind is all the progress we have made since then gone?? Am I (are we) back to day 1 a again with her?
She spoke in such grim terms on the first BD - "I'm done!", "This marriage is over and there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind!"'. This time is was not as angry, but just as biting - "We did our best. I don't feel counseling would do us any good at this point"', "We will be friends forever". To me it feels as if in her mind she thinks, "well I tried and it failed so now I know it won't work - I give up". At least during the first BD there was still the "well maybe..." factor. Feels like with this try that is now gone.
Having recently had so much contact with her, so much contact with my son - it is difficult to go back to zero. My heart is still in it and I miss her tremendously. I literally have to fight the urge to text her and ask how she is, how s is.....or worse yet write her a letter asking her why are we doing this again and mapping out what we need (counseling, time, etc.) and why we matter as a family.
So many of you have said you feel this is just a temporary setback.....like everything I've done on this board I am falling backwards into your arms on nothing but blind faith because right now that is about all I have in terms of reconciling my M and putting my family back together. I hope you are right.
One of the things that has really been gnawing at me for the last week is the thought that the trip for her back home was nothing more than a lot of nodding heads saying that leaving is the best thing. Her mom has been wonderful to me, but have never really said to her "work through the tough times". Her dad USED to say that but now tells her that I am not the right man for her. Frankly, I think he is mad that I hurt his daughter just like my mom is mad XW hurt me. Neither of them can see too far past their own feelings to see a larger picture. Ever since BD, her dad has been way out of my corner. I feel like he turned on me and never stopped to get an understanding of me in this whole mess. Not that he is expected to, it just would have been nice.
While she was back at the house, she talked a lot about her time alone. She spoke about she felt she had very few friends, not much to do, and struggled at times to be a good parent. She freely says that she really didn't have too much going on. When she was back and I was helping her a lot with S and other things she would sometimes reach out randomly via text and say how much she appreciates my help with S in the morning, now having me around helps her be a better parent, how she has time for herself a bit more or at least a backup - she seemed to acknowledge the differences in the two lifestyles and was grateful for the change that being together brought. Has she forgotten?
