Newman, I wouldn't exactly say the work continues. I'm just being the best husband and father I can be, and she the best wife she can be, it's actually very easy now because we are in love. I learned after the EA what behaviors I was doing that would empty her love bank and stopped doing those things. Now that I understand what she dislikes, it's easy to avoid. We could have been spared a lot of heartache had she known to just ask for those changes before the A.
Her most important needs are good conversation, affection and being a good father. I'm an expert at meeting these now, and it's paid off- big time. I became an expert during her A and it's second nature for me now. Being an expert didn't stop the A though- it just made me an alternative to the OM or being alone. Make no mistake- she wasn't in love with me anymore during the A- the OM was receiving her whole heart. At the end, she had to make a decision with her head, not her heart. She saw a lot in the plus column: father of my children, obvious financial choice, no need to move/share kids, I was being a good husband. In the end, that's why I came through when she was forced to choose.
I read so many hear that want their spouse to return "for love", and that's the only reason. THEY WON'T! They don't love you like the OP! They have to use their brains and make the smart choice, which is hard for them! What the wayward doesn't believe is that they will ever love you again. I'm proof that they can!!! Have them return for any reason they want, who cares! They are back! Now you can rebuild the love!
While my wife was going through withdrawal, she would call me when she was feeling down to hear my voice. Sometimes I could hear it and would ask if she was sad. She'd say yes, and apologize for feeling that way. I'd tell her that it's ok, and we'd get through it. The hardest was the first 2 months. By 6 months she was madly in love with me and had only occasional thoughts about him (not romantic ones, just missing the friendship part). Today I'm not sure if he pops in her head or not- sure doesn't seem like it.
It was harder on me, I think. As happy as I was to have her back, later on I started feeling a bit sad myself about it. Was she always going to think about this guy? Could I live with that? Could I ever really trust her again? When? What if this guy gets divorced and starts pursuing my wife again? What would she do? I was plagued hourly. Then just several times a day, then daily, etc etc. it's still with me, just less freqeunt, less intense. I never use the A against her, or get into conversations with her about it. We did that early on, i got my answers, no its behind us. We just focus on making our marriage affair proof. If she thinks I'm distracted my wife is very quick to pull me aside and gaze into my eyes and say "I love YOU, only you! You have nothing to worry about! You're STUCK with me!" then I feel better
I would say MC did not help too much. She was lying to the MC anyway, and the MC never got anywhere with her. Ive heard so many horror stories of bad MCs that i would probably never go to one again. I have to say, I made it through on my own. I read everything. I became an expert. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm just glad to be through it.
To be honest, I have been avoiding the boards because I can sometimes feel a twinge of pain reading your stories- they hit so close to home. I'm here because I feel God gave me the gift of my marriage back, and I want to help pay it back in a small way.
