Its tough; getting tougher

[amy1982]

I want to tell him I was devastated when I realized he was not all mine like he said....but a dozen others had him 1st. He would argue that was b4 marriage but somehow he had an idea that might be an issue to me because he lied about it. I feel that he's like a donkey telling the mule, "you have long ears"

[~ kd ~]

As much as you might want to call BS on him, there is likely some validity in his claim.

There is a general rule of thumb that women hold emotional connection above physical connection whereas men hold physical connection above emotional connection. While he is likely still in an A, he might think it's OK, if it's not intercourse. Doesn't make it right, just could be what he thinks.

Add that your A was with his brother, and as mentioned earlier, it can really add some messy to the layers.

It's not my intention to put blame on you, just trying to help you understand why he might say that to you in a way that might actually be valid for him.

That said, he COULD be BSing you. If it's really such a deal breaker for him, then why has he not filed D?

No, don't bring these things up with him at all. Just note them as something he's said right now which he may or may not feel is truthful for him, right now.

Also, WAS / MLCers will sometimes say those types of things to push the LBS further away. It could be that he is feeling pressure from you, still.

Do you feel that could be the case?

Also, again try not to mind read, but there is certainly the possibility that misery loves company and if he's noticing you are happy, then he might have just said that to try to make you miserable like he is.

Again, let stuff like that go. If he's really so unhappy and your A was a deal breaker, he will file. Until the document is signed and filed, there is still hope.

[~ kd ~]

OK, so your mistrust of him specifically revolves around cheating. Although you do allude to him "mincing words" to gaslight you. Again, is that specifically around his relationships with other women? If so, then it's still part of the same broken trust.

If this is just trust over one issue, it doesn't make it any less damaging. It just means that you specifically can not trust him regarding other women.

You CAN (technically) trust him on everything else. AND, you CAN trust him to keep his pattern of cheating.

I understand that again, his chronic cheating could end up being a deal breaker for you. That said, what is it do you think he find alluring in cheating? Do you think it's the other women specifically or do you think it might have something to do with the thrill of risk?

[amy1982]

Well the other women are light, flirty, pretty....that's a factor but I think its partly for the chase. He's already mentioned that after marriage the hunt is over.
It really seems he's putting pressure on me so I understand why he wants out.I do understand the pain because Ive been thro a lot w/ his affairs that he wont even recognize as such and it was a blow when I realized I was by far not the 1st. How can he feel so devastated by the thot that I'm no longer all his but not consider how I felt when I realized he never was or could be "all mine"
I'm not sure why he'd feel pressure from me...he comes & goes as he pleases & for the 1st time in our M I'm the one who doesn't want to talk R

[amy1982]

Our situation is building to a climax fast & I feel a need to explain the pain I felt in earlier years of our M. I felt like running away sometimes. I also want to ask him to find help to deal w/ this trauma so he's not crippled for the rest of his life. I know that him just leaving is not going to take the pain away.
Do I just watch him drown?

[amy1982]

Somehow I go from feeling responsible for the way things are..to feeling that he knows he has a card he can pull for a valid excuse for the things he's doing now. I haven't figured out how to take responsibility w/o then feeling like I'm to blame for all his poor choices too.

[amy1982]

Well..H just told me before he left for work he thinks a time of separation would do us good. I actually agree (tho I didn't comment to him) because I don't believe we would ever be able to work thro or resolve our issues if we stayed 2gether. Maybe if we separate we would be forced to actually resolve issues.
unfortunately my H is the type to walk away & not look back at what he left. Esp if he leaves when he is bitter & cant stand my guts.
I just don't know what to think.....
How can I just act happy when he feels like "I can just go on & he's left to deal w/ all the pain?" I totally get his feeling because he never acknowledged my pain, nor did OP. And I struggled W/ bitterness but most of it was projected on OP.
How can I get more input on my sitch? I NEED HELP!!!

[amy1982]

Please.. I need some help & input
We have 3 little girls & I can't bear to think of what they,re goin 2 face..

[~ kd ~]

If what you think is true, that your H is all about the chase, when is the last time he's had to chase you?

I want to be clear as you move forward through this, IF he is MLC, consistency for him may not be something that you can look forward to, for a while. IOW, if he seems to be pushing you away right now, he might start chasing you at some point and then go back to pushing you away. For no changes that you've made.

What is going to be really important though, is doing your very best to "keep the road home paved and smooth". IOW, even if he's MLC, he'll remember stressors, even if he doesn't remember specifics. Not saying walk on eggshells, rather that you need to ignore bad behaviour and appreciate good behaviours from him. He will understand and remember the loving behaviour in the even that he considers coming back.

So, that said, do you make sure that you look and act your best when he's around? If he isn't seeing your attractive features and that you are not just available for him at a whim, perhaps he'll start chasing again. Is that something you would consider and how might you princess yourself up? Could you "do" the cowgirl thing?

As far as things building to a climax quickly, the best thing you can do is detach. Understand that while sometimes things do happen quickly, if there is no pressure to the WAS/MLCer, they seem to slow down in running away. You possibly have more time than you think.

On him drowning? There really is nothing you can do. You can put the water in front of the horse but you can't make it drink. He may only seek the help he likely needs if he hits bottom. It hurts to watch that, but there really is nothing you can do.

You are only responsible for YOUR parts. Did you have an A with his brother? Yes. Did you contribute to the breakdown of the M? Certainly. But you contributed. He certainly has contributed his share. You can only work on your stuff, you can not help him with his. Try to find your middle ground on that.

Again, the only think you can do, and remember that you have the kids to share with him, is to go as "dim" as possible, while remaining open, pleasant, and become the "catch" that he really wants. That can help get you to a point where he might question his motives. He might realize that you are an amazing woman that only a fool would leave.

After that, if he changes his mind and wants to come back, THAT would be when the two of you work out your joint issues. Until then, you need to work on yourself and become that even more amazing woman that only a fool would leave.

[amy1982]

I have to admit all our married years I have been too available. He use to ask 4 favors graciously but last nite he was in the shop & sent a text...Beer. I was shocked how demanding that felt. I def need 2 do 180 there but that's got 2 be one of the hardest for me..saying no 2 him or ignoring. I did take out his beer, 2 in fact, but did have presence of mind 2 shortly excuse myself 2 go back in whereas before DB I always hung around. (Quality touch is my primary LL) He asked me to stay..he wanted to talk R. Funny, I use to be the one that wanted 2, now I don't want to,& he does.
I think that he is surprised that I am happy, doing fun things, & don't get all tore up when he talks about separating, him not loving me, how he can't stand 2 be w/ me. I don't know but it feels like he expects 2 get the same hysterical results as 6-8 mo ago & when I keep acting "as if" he has to turn up the pressure.
It feels like he wants a good excuse to leave for GF.
wanna know the last time he had 2 chase me? When I was having A. And I realize I subconsciously wanted to see if he would. Yup, when he started bringing me java chillers & paying more attention, I was ready to quit. Tho' I remember crying & wondering if I was going to get dropped again after he had my attention.