Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[PatientMan]

It's now been a year since BD. Reflecting back on the past year it's been a wild and crazy journey I came to these forums broken down and in a place where I thought I had to get my W back or just give up and die. In the months since then I've learned just how far off the path I had gone during my marriage. I lost the strong, independent person I once was and became a shell of my old self, a shell that needed to be filled with validation from my W. As that validation came less and less in recent years I became increasingly confused about who I was and what I wanted from life. It took many months post- BD, but I was able to reconnect with the old me. I found purpose outside of W, I found joy outside of M, I found validation from within. So here I am a year later- physically and mentally stronger than I've been in many years, fiercely independent, taking on life with gusto, not just surviving but truly enjoying life I won't say I'm glad I went through BD, I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. But I do acknowledge that it triggered growth in me that I wouldn't have thought possible a year ago. A great quote from Walt Disney on adversity:

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!

This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!

Otherwise things are still best described as "neutral" between us, we don't see a lot of each other but when we do we get along well. I mentioned before that W had said she was going to proceed with filing for D when the kids got out of school, there's no update on that, she hasn't mentioned anything about it (the kids got out of school a couple of weeks ago).

^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.

Thanks Newman! Well we left last Wednesday and got back on Sunday. It was an absolute blast, it was the most fun I've had on a vacation in quite some time! I did miss having W there, but the kids and I really bonded on this trip. We went hiking, we went through some caves, we kayaked, we zip-lined and we played games every evening. And we slept really well too, LOL! We were worn out by the end of each day, we kept busy! We had never zip-lined before, that was wild! The zip-line was 1/2 mile long. The guys said we were going 50-60 mph at the bottom of it, and it felt like it! It was about 200' above the ground, so it felt very much like flying. They offer rock-climbing too, so we are already talking about doing that next time we go.

AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.

You're welcome! It's been a helpful quote for me as well, as have several others from these forums (the castle analogy is another favorite). When I read a particularly interesting quote by someone I copy it and paste it into a document on my computer. Every once in a while I read that document for inspiration.

I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.

I've never tried fishing there, I need to do that some time. I've been fly fishing around here in TX before and really enjoyed it!

The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...

We were further west, we kayak from Gilbert if you know where that is. It's the lower part of the Buffalo so not as challenging, I'd like to try kayaking the upper some time but S10 is a bit young and all the kids a bit inexperienced for it. The lower is still really scenic though

AS,

I hope you are doing well. Your posts - like this one - give me hope in a new kind of way. Thanks for all your help.

-PM