Figured I would start a new thread before I got locked out.
CV, I have wondered that before - if she was just trying to get another baby. I always pray that wasn't the case, but how would I ever know? And as far as going out of sight out of mind, I think that is just an irrational fear that I have that is hard to shake. Very hard.
Sandi,
I will try to do as you suggested. So far I have already been fairly sparse in reaching out and I do not respond to every text. I actually deleted her from my address book so I would have to physically type out her cell number before initiating a text conversation with her. Small, but maybe that will help.
I would like to say you wouldn't believe this, but I am sure you would by now. She actually texted me at work and asked if I would consider letting her go to CA with S over the 4th of July to visit a friend. I responded "You have had him for the last two 4ths in a row, so I doubt it." I also told her that I plan on taking him to San Diego soon and will keep her posted on the details. She responded by saying "please consider it - we don't get a lot of invites to travel/visit and it is hard to keep him occupied in the heat". I did not respond. In moments like this it is hard for me to believe she would even ask. He's three....and I have spent precisely ONE 4th of July with him and she would be OK taking three in a row.
So many times in the past I would cave on things like this because I wanted to keep the peace...show signs of good faith....show her that I understood how important it was for her to get away. I didn't fight her over last 4th. I'm done.
I want so badly to tell her we are not a team, we are not the "partnership" that she wanted and asked for 3 months ago. We are nothing. We are separate homes with the same child. She can't have all of the benefits of M or reconciling, or trying to piece with none of the work. If our situation was where it was a month ago, I would be happy to accommodate or better yet suggest we ALL get out together. Not now.
Three consecutive 4th of Julys without his father around? How is that even OK?
....to answer you question, 25, I kept coming back here in the early days even though I was finding no one that agreed with me or saw things my way because I realized what I was doing just was not working. I reached a point where I was open to anything and that is where people like you, Mach, Bond and a host of others challenged me to look inward and stop trying to change her. THAT was the thing that changed everything for me.
During on of our discussions I essentially asked her what reflecting she had done over the time we were apart. What part of this she thought she contributed to. Though she did answer, she later bristled that I would ask. Saying that so much of what I was telling her was about all the things that I had learned and how I had changed....that asking if SHE had and what SHE saw as her "fault" was essentially saying "it wasn't my fault...what did YOU do". I told her that the only reason I talk about me is because I can only be honest about my feelings, I can only change me. Not sure how that landed with her at the time.
I don't normally post to you Crimson as I believe you are doing your best and are getting great support.
The following though, really caught my eye:
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Please believe me when I say I am not patting myself on the back here - I'm just making the point that when I talk to my other single female friends they ALL say that finding all of that at our age is tremendously difficult.
I understand you would not have taken their offer. How many of these single, female friends hit on you?
I ask you that because, even prior to being M, I'd have female friends tell me how much of a good guy I am and had so much to offer. Yet of those friends, they certainly weren't making any offers to me.
Crimson, it is certainly true that you have a lot to offer, the thing is, it is my experience that people will state the obvious and yet still do nothing to snap up that which is desirable. I suspect that holds true not just for your female friends, but also for your W.
No... I don't understand that... it's just an observation.
KP - I guess I was just looking forward to the time with him more that anything else.
Had dinner with a good friend last night that we socialized with as a couple. He was rather surprised that things had come unwound so quickly, but was incredibly supportive. I work now with an old friend of mine from graduate school he was telling me that his wife did a WAW for a year when their son was 1 - they have since worked things back out and continue to try to do so.
XW sent me a picture of S out of the blue last night while I was out with my friend. Just a random shot of him playing -- I didn't respond. I'm really trying to stick to laying low for awhile. I really need to focus on GAL again. I think it will be easier as time rolls along.
By the way, I titled my latest thread because I cannot get the song by Pink (P!nk) out of my head....it's been on a loop for days....days. It's it COMPLETELY about a relationship and a WAW and I shared it with XW when she was here. The line "we're not broken we're just bent" in the chorus for some reason really gave me hope and inspiration. Now I really don't which of the two we are. The song is titled "Just Give Me a Reason" or something along those lines - and it really reminds me of my sitch a lot.
Me too. I love that song. I always wondered what that word was and it's "bent"!
A few weeks ago when that song came on W and I were having a mild R talk and it reminded us both of our situation.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Figured I would start a new thread before I got locked out.
CV, I have wondered that before - if she was just trying to get another baby. I always pray that wasn't the case, but how would I ever know? And as far as going out of sight out of mind, I think that is just an irrational fear that I have that is hard to shake. Very hard.
Sandi,
I will try to do as you suggested. So far I have already been fairly sparse in reaching out and I do not respond to every text. I actually deleted her from my address book so I would have to physically type out her cell number before initiating a text conversation with her. Small, but maybe that will help.
I would like to say you wouldn't believe this, but I am sure you would by now. She actually texted me at work and asked if I would consider letting her go to CA with S over the 4th of July to visit a friend. I responded "You have had him for the last two 4ths in a row, so I doubt it." I also told her that I plan on taking him to San Diego soon and will keep her posted on the details. She responded by saying "please consider it - we don't get a lot of invites to travel/visit and it is hard to keep him occupied in the heat". I did not respond. In moments like this it is hard for me to believe she would even ask. He's three....and I have spent precisely ONE 4th of July with him and she would be OK taking three in a row.
So many times in the past I would cave on things like this because I wanted to keep the peace...show signs of good faith....show her that I understood how important it was for her to get away. I didn't fight her over last 4th. I'm done.
I want so badly to tell her we are not a team, we are not the "partnership" that she wanted and asked for 3 months ago. We are nothing. We are separate homes with the same child. She can't have all of the benefits of M or reconciling, or trying to piece with none of the work. If our situation was where it was a month ago, I would be happy to accommodate or better yet suggest we ALL get out together. Not now.
Three consecutive 4th of Julys without his father around? How is that even OK?
Crimson
Crimson,
I agree with the other posters - you should go fully back into DB mode. My gut tells me this is just a hiccup on your journey back to R...that she got spooked and is still living off of emotions. But DB'ing - detaching and regrouping - should be your plan of attack.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Yeah, as I slowly start to get my head wrapped back around everything it is becoming clear that its back to DB mode for me. Probably should brush up on the 37 rules again.
I guess the problem is that it's difficult to accept the collapse from where I was. It literally feels at times just like the days/weeks after the first BD. In her mind is all the progress we have made since then gone?? Am I (are we) back to day 1 a again with her?
She spoke in such grim terms on the first BD - "I'm done!", "This marriage is over and there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind!"'. This time is was not as angry, but just as biting - "We did our best. I don't feel counseling would do us any good at this point"', "We will be friends forever". To me it feels as if in her mind she thinks, "well I tried and it failed so now I know it won't work - I give up". At least during the first BD there was still the "well maybe..." factor. Feels like with this try that is now gone.
Having recently had so much contact with her, so much contact with my son - it is difficult to go back to zero. My heart is still in it and I miss her tremendously. I literally have to fight the urge to text her and ask how she is, how s is.....or worse yet write her a letter asking her why are we doing this again and mapping out what we need (counseling, time, etc.) and why we matter as a family.
So many of you have said you feel this is just a temporary setback.....like everything I've done on this board I am falling backwards into your arms on nothing but blind faith because right now that is about all I have in terms of reconciling my M and putting my family back together. I hope you are right.
One of the things that has really been gnawing at me for the last week is the thought that the trip for her back home was nothing more than a lot of nodding heads saying that leaving is the best thing. Her mom has been wonderful to me, but have never really said to her "work through the tough times". Her dad USED to say that but now tells her that I am not the right man for her. Frankly, I think he is mad that I hurt his daughter just like my mom is mad XW hurt me. Neither of them can see too far past their own feelings to see a larger picture. Ever since BD, her dad has been way out of my corner. I feel like he turned on me and never stopped to get an understanding of me in this whole mess. Not that he is expected to, it just would have been nice.
While she was back at the house, she talked a lot about her time alone. She spoke about she felt she had very few friends, not much to do, and struggled at times to be a good parent. She freely says that she really didn't have too much going on. When she was back and I was helping her a lot with S and other things she would sometimes reach out randomly via text and say how much she appreciates my help with S in the morning, now having me around helps her be a better parent, how she has time for herself a bit more or at least a backup - she seemed to acknowledge the differences in the two lifestyles and was grateful for the change that being together brought. Has she forgotten?
, or a three day custody elsewhere.