Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

Hiya, PM. Thought I'd say hi and make some comments, if I may.

Thanks.

Ok, so I'm thinking that if your xw tells you she wants to be on her own, that you need to let her be. You are divorced. This is what she wanted. She needs to live that.

I agree. She is sending me mixed messages by divorcing me yet still reaching out to me for support. Why is she reaching out to me?

I think she is lonely. (She doesn't really have any local friends or a support group or a therapist.)
I think I make her comfortable and secure.
I think she still has feelings for me.

BUT, and this is what I have to keep hammering into my own head, SHE DIVORCED ME, so she has to live with the consequences of that. DIVORCING ME means she doesn't want that support that a husband would give...that I *want* to give.

I think her response to this would be that she is just looking for support from a friend, which is what she says she wants to be. And if she needs a friend, it kills me to have to say I can't even be that, but I guess it's just one of those "it is what it is" situations. Maybe we can be friends, but I don't think right now...at least not in the way she is dictating it.

I think you and sandi2 and everyone else who has said it is right. As hard as it is to do, I have to let her live with the consequences of divorcing me, which means I won't be there for support.

Of course, this means she'll go looking for support elsewhere, and I hate that too, but I guess that's the part that *I* have to live with.

I guess it's just me fooling myself. I see her reaching out and I perceive it as some shred of hope, so I cling to it. Really, she just needs support to help her through this tough time. And I guess that can't be me.

Why is it so difficult for me to cut off the person that has treated me this way? This is so irrational!

*I* would be the one to do all the work to help her through all of this, and once she's back up on her feet she's going to be looking elsewhere for a mate (based on the presumption of divorce). Why should I do all the work and let someone else reap all the benefits?

Other than I love her and I'm a sucker, of course.

And as a girl, I will tell you that you always being there has the potential to keep you in the friend zone, ya know?

Good point, though it should be noted that's how most of her relationships have started. But to carry over from what I said above, we can be friends one day, but it will just take some time.

You have to do what is best for you. And I think that this is keeping you stuck.

Yeah. I guess I just don't know how to let go.

It doesn't mean that you cant be friendly. It just means that you are letting her live the life she chose and that you are moving forward in yours.

That's the message I need to convey/reenforce. I just need to figure out how to word it so I don't sound like a jerk.

But I'm not sure how to handle the potential, "Want to do something/come over and hang out?" question that could very well pop up.

Um, how about, sorry, sounds great, but, maybe another time, I've got some plans. And make some:)[/

I really need/do better with a set of rules or a list to go by my mind gets spinning so easily. For however long a time period, should I just be unavailable? E.g. For the next two months, no hanging out with XW?

I understand you dont have a lot of time. But you are going to have some soon. And you know, it doesnt have to be anything huge that you do for yourself, PM. Your life cant be just work, school and your children. You have a right to have something just for you.[/color]

You're right, and any response I have is just whining so I'll spare the bandwidth.

Thank you for your thoughts.

-PM