Looking to keep hope alive

[ALF213]

I am starting to learn the less I am around my W, the better I feel. It used to be the opposite. The more I was around her and we were getting along, I think things would feel somewhat normal and I would forget what's really coming. Then when I wasn't around her, it would all sink back in and bring me down.

Now I think about my sitch less when she isn't around, and when it does enter my mind, its less severe and easier to get past. There are some really hard things left to come. Telling the kids, W filing for D, the S, not seeing the kids everyday, the D process and finalization, moving into our own places, etc. Its not all as scary as it used to be. That might change when its happening, but I feel like I'm in a better place to handle it.

It wasn't that long ago that I would have taken W back with open arms. I am nowhere near that right now. I would be open to discussing R. I really value family and I would like nothing more for my family to stay together AND be happy. I know that is a long ways away if it will happen. It seems I am starting to find my stride a little in this marathon. I'm sure I will hit a wall or two. I'm trying to expect it to happen so it doesn't take too much out of me.

I'm really trying to let some advice from other sitch's sink in. Reading posts by Sandi2, AnotherStander, MrBond, etc has given me a lot to think about. If any of you read this and want to chime it, I would really appreciate it!

W has mentioned numerous times that she wants to remain good friends. I think I have been there too much for her. She doesn't want to have a life without me, but she doesn't want the M. I don't agree with that. She is the mother of my kids, so I can be friendly, but I don't want to be her friend. I think I've led her to believe we could be friends because I thought it keeps the door open. I was afraid to cause trouble. I need to find some middle ground. Not cold or angry, but she also needs to realize I can't be there for her all the time. Its hard to do that now, but I have to imagine it will only get easier.