Feelings come from thoughts and beliefs. Thoughts and beliefs are under your control. Yes you are very normal to be angry. Look around at all the normal angry divorced people you see. Being like them is your CHOICE. People here are trying to show you a different way.
Part of your anger comes from your belief that you were a victim, and retraining your thoughts to understand and accept that you are not a victim will help you learn to change how you feel.
So keep arguing that your anger is justified and you'll be fighting for your right to be an angry bitter man. It is, after all, normal.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You need to do some GALing with people very different from those you grew up with and those you now hang out with. It's hard to see a different way when everyone around you agrees with you.
Do you see how trying not to have people mad at you has blown up in your face? I've pushed you to define your values, who Sp is, so that you know what things to take a stand on, risk anger for and what things you can let slide. That's important, Sp.
And I agree with Ad, retraining your thoughts can help you rise above victim mode.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Today is a rainy one. I am going to spend it REALLY reflecting on what I have been told here. I spent lastnight reading through old emails between wife and I. It has given me a renewed focus on the role I played in the downfall of the marriage.
Today, I will start to focus on changing the way I see things.
So, here is what I have come to realize about myself......
I need to make more changes, and I need to make them a permanent part of me. If helpful caring people like you can tell that these are real world issues that I have, simply by engaging me on the internet, it's clearly a real problem that I need to deal with. I have come to grips with that. I argue. I love to be right. I do try to control and manipulate when I think I am not in that position. My hurt is also a problem, because I resort to anger when dealing with it. I need to change the way I deal with being hurt. If you hurt me, I immediately want to hurt you back as qucikly as possible. That is not healthy, and it has caused a lot more hurt and damage in my life. I wish to be in more control of my anger, not that I am full of rage, but because I do know it does effect the way I see and deal with things. It usually results in a negative reaction. I am completely cognitive of these things now. I get it. With that said, I think admitting that it's a problem will only be my first step. How I go about making the changes will be the real work. I want to do this work. I want to be a better person than I was before coming here. I think I am already improved in many areas, but not nearly enough as I need to be. I don't have the expectation that I will be able to live my life like Ghandi, but I am sure I can learn to better control my feelings. I am sure at this point, that this played a major role in the demise of my marriage. Granted, there were many many things that we both did to put us in this position. I sincerely believe there will be no reconciliation of our marriage. It is too far gone. It is already to the point, almost 9 months later that I have somewhat forgotten what our connection ever really was. Wife is now publicly involved with the OM. That alone would make things almost impossible for me to come to grips with. I said at one point, that a PA, would be my deal breaker. A public PA, is something I am not sure that I have the ability to let go of. I still feel that to be the case today. On top of that, wife is branching out and furthering herself into this new relationship with a completely different network of friends and family.
I will carry on, and be the person I want to become, first and foremost. I will try my best to put my daughter first in regards to dealing with my marriage and our future, for all parties. I would like to become more amicable with wife, solely for the benefit of my daughter, so she can grow and have the best possible opertunity to avoid the damage that will undoubtedly come from a divorce. I simply need to do the best I can, from now on.
We're not saying you have to "break up" with your old friends, but it's almost impossible to change your ways if you don't change your environment.
IF you were a smoker trying to quit, you'd have to hang out with friends who did not smoke much, right?
well your family and friends have a negative world view. Does not make them incapable of love or joy but it great lessens it.
When a good thing happens, they expect it to end soon, or that a bad thing will come next, like the other shoe will drop. Their joy is tainted by fear or distrust.
But when they are hurt or angry b/c of a bad or painful event, their pain is total. 100%. Their anger is NOT mitigated by joy or mixed in with hope.
They feel the negatives in full force...which is sad and not healthy.
You need new tools and to be in a supportive environment you need new people in your life. Someone you can call on, be around and learn from.
I think you have already met some.
Reach out to them.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
SP... I find that you and have similar traits in regards to anger issues. Hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back more. I win.
My W sent me a book by Stephen Covey... "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"... I highly suggest reading it. This book has had an amazing impact on my life. It has taught me how to think and look at things differently. It is proactive versus reactive thinking.
I found that a lot of anger comes from reactive decisions. Anger does not, from my experience, lead to good solid decision making. What I have learned is that I don't always have to be right. I don't always have to win. I have learned that most situations can result in win/win...
I got to the root of a lot of the anger I felt. I am still working on it. You have made a big step in coming to grips with your issue of anger.
Let's work on that...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Tonight, I am taking daughter to a cool sushi restaurant with some family members. It is supposed to be really fun, and daughtger LOVES sushi. She is planning on taking her own chop sticks and everything....I know, a 6yo. who loves sushi???? haha
Really missing wife today. I cannot even express how much. I think it might be part of coming to grips with this separation/divorce being very very permanent.
I really wish I could reach out, tell her how much I miss her and all the things I am feeling. I have so much that I want to say. But, I know I can't. I just have to let her go down her own path, and I need to find my direction as well....it just SUX. It really REALLY does.
haha