H gave me access to his email and phone. He also wrote the letter to OW. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. It brought back all those old insecure feelings. I started obsessing about it and found myself searching his stuff at midnight. What followed was me spinning out of control. I became that psycho chick I thought I had laid to rest but there I was bringing up the past and obsessing.
See? This is me. Given access I would obsess all the time. I already do when something strays from the path we are on...
Everyone advocates total transparency. But for me? That would probably end my marriage quicker than another affair. I know who I would become and it would be ugly.
So I would just have to trust and risk getting hurt, again. I am a big snooper by nature, but have really put the brakes on it since BD (although I do some FB stalking...ahem). Of course I backslide, but I know my insecurity is talking.
I can understand squarely where you are: Wanting to trust, but looking for any reason not too. You are also doing a bit of sabotage in regards to H. It is perfectly reasonable he help out with kids at night, but by your own admission, he needs this energy release.
Does the gym have a daycare? Go with him a couple nights and take a break for a couple hours. Ask him to meet you in middle, where you have half and he has half of kid duties. Sit down and make a list of what is important to you, what you think is important for him and then for your kids. Ask him to make one too and compare.
Sometimes we are saying things, but what the other person hears is not what we meant at all.
Written down gives the opportunity for reflection and clarity.
