Say What??

[chasingpavements]

Be kind, be clear, be firm. No anger needed. Just a clear expression of your requests (spell out a path forward for him that will really work for you - ask for 100% of what you want, not just some appeasements) and a willingness to be done. That will speak very loudly.

Agreed!! Ask for exactly what you would like, in your situation you are perfectly reasonable in asking for those requests!

[2chiquitos]

I could've been home by 8 but took some detours cuz I'm avoiding seeing him too much tonite. I was forced to come home cuz all this really does a number on my nerves. I prayed and asked God, your will, your way.

The opportunity to talk came up and I asked, did you get a hold of your friend? He said no but I'm sure he'll call me back. I said, I just want you to know that til then I'm left to assume what your email was more than what you say. He breathed deeply and said, yeah.

I could see him from the other room rub his head and take deep breaths. I'm just as stressed about this as him. I'm coming to accept that if I ask him to leave it may be permanent.

I need to understand that asking him to leave is not a temporary thing which is what I would say when I'm emotional. Get out! come back! get out! It just makes me look unpredictable and unreliable.

I also need to accept how this will affect my children who have grown more attached to him in these past few months. Am I willing to do that?

Asking him to leave because he demonstrates hidden feelings for OW seems like a no brainer. I can't live with someone I don't trust. Seems like an easy choice to make but I can't help but think about my kids AND that I will have to go through another grieving process.

I'm left to pray, meditate. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night. We're taking the kids to the zoo tomorrow. I told him I'll take them on my own but he wants to go. I would like to go alone but telling him not to is hard for me. (I guess this my opportunity to focus on myself but I'm not doing it)

Also, I reached out to an old friend. Her and her H lead the marriage encounters at her church. It was so nice to connect with her.

[SemperFi00]

Thoughts and prayers are with you 2C! Stay strong.....

[2chiquitos]

Thank you SemperFi00!

First I'd like to apologize for not visiting the other threads. When I'm in this funk I have a very difficult time listening to other's stories. I would rather have a clear mind when I read and write to other's posts.

Journaling
God I've had a challenging week. I kept hearing "focus on yourself" from others and I finally got it! I realized a few things about myself.
*I have the habit of comparing myself to others, criticizing myself and worrying about the future. This is a survival habit that I have acquired in order to get myself ahead.
*I don't want to let go of this habit because I don't know of another way to motivate myself in a healthy way.

H n I continue to go through the hardships of reconciling. I NEVER thought it would be this challenging. We've taken a break from talking. Tonite's the first night that I don't have a headache. Great example of focusing on myself ;-)

H gave me access to his email and phone. He also wrote the letter to OW. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. It brought back all those old insecure feelings. I started obsessing about it and found myself searching his stuff at midnight. What followed was me spinning out of control. I became that psycho chick I thought I had laid to rest but there I was bringing up the past and obsessing.

I realized I am scared $HITLE$$ of getting hurt again.

[subguy]

It brought back all those old insecure feelings. I started obsessing about it and found myself searching his stuff at midnight. What followed was me spinning out of control. I became that psycho chick I thought I had laid to rest but there I was bringing up the past and obsessing.

I realized I am scared $HITLE$$ of getting hurt again.

In any relationship that we have, if we make ourselves vulnerable we run the risk of getting hurt. Without vulnerability we will not have intimacy with the other person. I have read a lot of strength in your posts and see just a blip on your radar screen. You've been through the roughest part and I expect for you to bounce back a lot quicker. Trust yourself you have put the work in and improved you, go back to that chiquitos, the one who has improved herself. You can do this you are strong.

What do you need to move yourself in a healthy positive way? Forget about the H and the kids in this one decision. Without a healthy chiquitos your children and your relationship with H will suffer.

(((((2q)))))

[JuneReN]

H gave me access to his email and phone. He also wrote the letter to OW. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. It brought back all those old insecure feelings. I started obsessing about it and found myself searching his stuff at midnight. What followed was me spinning out of control. I became that psycho chick I thought I had laid to rest but there I was bringing up the past and obsessing.

See? This is me. Given access I would obsess all the time. I already do when something strays from the path we are on...

Everyone advocates total transparency. But for me? That would probably end my marriage quicker than another affair. I know who I would become and it would be ugly.

So I would just have to trust and risk getting hurt, again. I am a big snooper by nature, but have really put the brakes on it since BD (although I do some FB stalking...ahem). Of course I backslide, but I know my insecurity is talking.

I can understand squarely where you are: Wanting to trust, but looking for any reason not too. You are also doing a bit of sabotage in regards to H. It is perfectly reasonable he help out with kids at night, but by your own admission, he needs this energy release.

Does the gym have a daycare? Go with him a couple nights and take a break for a couple hours. Ask him to meet you in middle, where you have half and he has half of kid duties. Sit down and make a list of what is important to you, what you think is important for him and then for your kids. Ask him to make one too and compare.

Sometimes we are saying things, but what the other person hears is not what we meant at all.

Written down gives the opportunity for reflection and clarity.

[labug]

I realized I am scared $HITLE$$ of getting hurt again.

We all are, and we all will be, in some way.

You've walked through the fire this time and you will do it again, only next time you will have better systems in place to support you as you walk.

With or without transparency, you still have to trust and if you can't, you can't. And that's OK.

[needgrace]

hi dear friend

instead of thinking about trust as an off/on switch what if you saw it as a dimmer switch, that you can move darker/brighter little by little... that you do not need to know 100% right now or give him 100% of your trust... you can move the switch little by little in small increments as you feel safe.

you are building trust... brick by brick... and right now there is some foundation work to be done before you add that second story.


((((((((((((((((((((((((((2ch)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[labug]

Good thought, ng!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you la bug, ng, kp, subguy for reaching out to me. I was in a moment of despair and needed to use all my resources to help me calm down. Thank you for that. :-)

My sitch has taken a turn. H has agreed to fully commit. He called OW, put her on speaker and told her to stop communicating with him because he is reconciling with me and wants to be with his family. OW fought back and H was stern with her. The sitch got worse but in the end I believed him. He doesn't want anything to do with her.

H has said things I was always hoping to hear. He was blind for 2yrs. Shortly after I started doing 180s n acting as if, he knew he wanted to come back but didn't know how. OW was a mistake. He found himself comparing us. She was very negative (like I was before) and I was more upbeat. He saw this after about 3mos after BD.

I also discovered that after BD he introduced her to his family and friends. They had never told me but looking back, now I know why they distanced themselves from me. This hurt a lot. I don't feel special. That's why it hurts. These feelings were the same ones I had 2yrs ago and I was hoping to get past them.

I feel very guarded. We hug and kiss (peck) but that's as far as it goes. I'm not ready to ML. Now that he gave me full access to his cell, email, fb, I find myself checking it every so often. It's an obsession! It's my vice! I'm looking for something that will pinch me from this dream I'm in.

But when we're doing good, it really is awesome. I can tell a difference in my kids behavior. They laugh when we hug n kiss. D2 had never seen us this way before so she'll push H away or want me to hug her. S5 was 3 when H left so he wants to be included and he'll laugh and get excited. They are my drive.

It's because of them that I made all these changes. Whether H n I reconciled, it no longer mattered. I wanted my children to be healthy and see their parents interact.

What would I recommend a newcomer who's WAS continues to be unfaithful after LBS has discovered the affair?
Follow the DB principles to a T!
Get a DB Coach 6 sessions at least!
Find a support group (Al Anon was mine) and go to 3-4 mtgs a week!
Leave your sitch up to your Higher Power! We only have so much control over the sitch. In the end, it's up to HP to handle it.
Surround yourself with healthy people!! Healthy behaviors because your WAS is very unhealthy and the sitch will suck you into their tornado!

There are more but I must stop there.

I will be moving over to piecing.
Thank you to all of you who posted on my threads. I have made some AMAZING friends on this journey. I'd like to think that my journey is not over. Reconciling is hard work and I continue to walk the road to recovery from this sitch.

I love you all!