Hi FY, sounds like W gave you an opportunity to stretch your your wings a bit and show her something different about FY...good job accepting the challenge!!!
Have a great time and just be your wonderful self!
You got this! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY - As the saying goes, "It is a fine line between being adequately insured and having a target on your back." Just kidding...I have friends that have done this and it IS totally safe. Also, they said it was a blast, so good for you for agreeing to it and I also really like your attitude about picking up some new clothes to look good for your W.
Have a great trip!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
So maybe you'll see a 30-foot long whale shark -- one for every year of your M!
I looked up the pics and they do look beautiful but BIG mouths!
I like that she planned this for the two of you and sent you a link about it. Maybe she is excited about the trip! I hope so!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Unfortunately, there will be no playing Monopoly, and if W is excited about the trip, it's certainly not because I'm going to be there.
We definitely will be having the R talk sometime soon, W initiated it tonight, and it wasn't good.
While packing for the trip together, I started looking at some dresses she had pulled out.
Me, thinking I can dress to match her: "Are you bringing this for dinner?"
W: What are you looking at those for, are you planning to wear them?
Me: I just wanted to see what you were going to wear.
W: Do what ever you want.
So I calmly left the room and went outside for a few minutes.
When I came back in, W tells me "I don't know if you know this, but I'm uncomfortable around you because you betrayed and basically molested me." Says that she knows we're close because we live together, but she can "get away" from me at night. That she knows we'll be spending a lot of time together the next few days, and it's already starting to bother her. "And my period just started, so that just adds to it all".
I listened and then when she finished said: "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, but understand why you do."
She then mentioned that she knows we have to talk about all this, probably some time on this trip, because she doesn't want to continue living her life like this. *waves both hands in the air, while shaking her head*
She was walking out of the room as she said this, and I surely wasn't going to follow her, so that was the end of the conversation.
I kinda hope the shark does swallow me now.
Was I right to not continue the conversation when she walked out?
She came out of the shower a few minutes later and was on her iPad as I typed this. We had a few friendly comments back and forth, about non-relationship (and non-vacation) stuff.
Advice for handling "The Talk" when she does bring it up?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm sorry, man...Don't make any assumptions...my W seemed okay and then BD#3 out of nowhere it seemed (and it happened to be 2 days before her period also)...you don't know how this will go, and I would bet that MAYBE she is venting her frustration with herself some, and maybe her thoughts are cycling back to getting rid of spouse will ease that frustration and discomfort...it sure seemed that way with my W, and she hinted around it some 3-4 weeks later. There are many examples of complete thought switches (both ways) with the mlcer here on the boards...so you just don't really know yet...know what I mean?
I think you did the right thing not pursuing her, giving her time and space to get past what she was feeling at that moment.
Just be yourself on the trip, let her lead...and no swimming into whale shark mouths, okay?
You can do this! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I offered my apology for the incident back when it happened, and continue to be there for her while giving her space. What more can I do or say? Should I continue to wait for her to bring it up? Will she ever be able to trust/love me again?
Right now it doesn't seem like it. Guess I'll know a little (or a lot) more after this trip.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sounds like you handled this the best way possible. Validated and then didn't pursue. She has these deep and difficult issues to work out. If only she could see how much help you are to her ... not the cause of her distress.
Have you talked to a DB coach? I can't remember.
Chuck gave me good advice last summer as I was anticipating getting the "I want a D" talk. And I was pretty much on target as I got it very soon after suspected.
But for me it wasn't a clear cut "I want a D". It was more like it was an expected thing that "we" were moving on to complete. Seems like no matter how you prepare, there will always be a twist to things.
And how many times did my H tell me or other people "there is something that snapped inside my mind. I'll never look at rH the same way or have my life be complete with her in it. She is hindering me from true happiness." Or similar thoughts.
Well...perspectives can change, as you know.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I think you did the right thing not pursuing her, giving her time and space to get past what she was feeling at that moment.
Just be yourself on the trip, let her lead...and no swimming into whale shark mouths, okay?
You can do this!
Thanks so much for the support T^2. It helps a lot.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
I would bet that MAYBE she is venting her frustration with herself some, and maybe her thoughts are cycling back to getting rid of spouse will ease that frustration and discomfort...
I would bet that she doesn't see bailing on me as a surefire course for easing her frustration and discomfort. If she did I think she would've been gone already. Instead, she's been comfortable enough to stay. It sounds more like she doesn't feel she could ever trust me again, or have any of those loving feelings beyond a platonic friendship, and so has to eventually move on. It's been 15 months since the incident, and she's still hurting as much as ever it seems.
Obviously this is going to take a lot more time. *sigh*
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
