Think wife is having a MLC?

[sandi2]

So she changed from going out with friends, shopping, tanning, trips, etc., to suddenly stopping everything? Has she ever suffered from depression in the past?

Well, in our situation, our marriage issues were lack of communication and emotional involvement. So the DB coach said for me the 180 was working on those without pressing/pushing.
Listen to her complaints, and validate. Small steps are to show im there listening, responding and not being judgmental/fixing/rug sweeping.

The problem with that is she no longer wants to talk about it, just kind move on in an "I give up" type of emotional state.

The more you try to bring "it" up in conversation, the more likely she will react in a very negative way. It often pushes the S to announce they want a D. Perhaps the DB Coach was referring to communication in general. Find subjects of common interest and pretend you are conversing with a special guest. You are friendly, polite, and graceful. You are careful not to say or do anything that would be offensive. You put effort into making the conversational topic interesting. You may need to start with just small talk, and go from there.

The biggest part of communication is listening. If you are an impatient man, she may have felt that you got irritated with her in the past and has stopped trying to discuss things. Learn to ask her questions that require more than one word answers. When I first came on board, I remember telling a LBH to look his W straight into her eyes whenever she spook to him. I've noticed that piece of advice has been passed around over the years. I hope you'll pay attention to it b/c it's one of the mistakes men make in their MR that causes more undercurrent friction with her than you can imagine. So train yourself to look deep into her eyes when she's talking. That action tells her you are interested in what she's saying, and most of all that you value her enough to show her as much respect as you would a guest in your home.

Do not be critical when she tries to talk. Do not correct her. Do not mock her or disrespect her in any fashion. Stay away from subjects that you know will lead to an argument or hurt feelings. Do not cause her to feel you are rushing her to get through telling you something. Do not lose your cool.

Okay about lack of emotional involvement.......what does that mean? I think I know, but I want to hear your thoughts about it.

You have your work cut out for you! Living with a depressed person is very tough. I have suffered with depression for most of my life. The past two years my H has been very depressed due to losing a brother and his own health problems. So whether there is a "legitimate" reason in the beholder's eye, it is still very difficult to have it or live with it.

For the next week, im going to give myself a goal of not bringing it up, let her if she wants. I'll see how she responds, like the DB coach says, try something new, if that doesn't work try something else

But not to try to get her to bring "it" up.

The first big hump for the LBH to climb over is realizing that he cannot fix her and the M by talking about it. I wish it did b/c then it would be fairly easy to work through, but it isn't. The sooner you stop waiting to have the big R discussion that will take care of this problem......the sooner you will be on your way to being calmer and will stop putting pressure (unrealized) on her. There is a big difference in encouraging and pressure.