Truth Dart = When W was approaching emotional abuse of one of our sons one time when she was particularly out of control of her thoughts and feelings, I called her on it, calmly, respectfully, but firmly, using the correct words (YOU are approaching emotional abuse with S right now, S and I are going out for a while and give you some space to calm down) and took S away for a couple hours, in spite of her begging us not to leave her alone.
or,
W, when I am asking you something, or we are talking about something, and you do not even look up from the computer to look at me, I find that rude and disrespectful to me. If this behavior continues, I will leave the room and we can discuss this later when you are ready to focus on what we are talking about" ---sort of...it was a long time ago, don't remember exactly what I said...lol.
Boundary = After I built W her own computer to keep her and her "activities" off of the kids' (she wasn't very good about deleting things and closing out of IM sessions/programs), she wanted to put the computer and webcam in our MBR........I told her no, that she wasn't going to do what she does in OUR MBR, that I can't stop her from doing what she is doing, but doing it in our MBR was not going to happen.
If you read through my threads you'll find some more...but...I used them VERY sparingly, only when absolutely necessary.
As far as the texting...yes, it is very disrespectful and rude, but it seems to be a "normal" thing mlc'ers...MY choice was to just ignore (best I could, it got easier as time went on) what W was doing online, etc. I realized that I could not control her, and psychologically it was how she was trying to work out some of her issues, rightly or wrongly, it was a path she thought was worth taking. And with all the advice here, especially in mlc-land, to let it run it's course, I chose to listen to that advice, because as 25yrs pointed out to you in her post last night (which triggered some things for me as well, I think there are similarities in our sitches with our W's), the option of D wasn't one I wanted (still don't, but am "okay" going there now), so ignoring it, seeing the EA/PA/cyber stuff for what it was, a band-aid, was the most logical course of action.
PON, I would suggest stop worrying about progress, communication, interaction so much...I do get it, I was the same way early on in my sitch, it didn't help...in fact drove W further away. Please get clear on YOUR goal, then ask if any actions you take will further your goal, before you take them or say something.
There is no quick and easy way out of this journey...just through. Get out and do more, I love it that you are doing open mic (musician here too). I will repeat what my IC said to me (and Bond, and others to you):
"Your W doesn't want to talk? Really? So effin' what. She doesn't want to talk, so, go find something else to do with yourself then...you're a big boy, right?"
Every time I would get worked up, anxious or whatever about W and I's lack of comms, or her reaction/actions to me, I would repeat that phrase ^^^^ in my head, over and over. Now, it's no big deal if she wants to talk or not, I accept that is where she is at the moment...not my problem. I got stuff to do, life to live....
Make sense (I hope!)? T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
