Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly,

I have tried to reflect on this before earlier on on what I thought led to the crisis. I couldn't see it before, but I now see exactly when this started with him...June 2010. Quite a few things happened in a 24 hour period one day and from there I can clearly see the path. Although not major things like death, but plenty of disappointments occurred and I remember H crying and mentioning that he was hurt because of all of it. Funny thing is, now that I know when, I am pretty sure I see the connection to H's childhood problems as well.

I missed so much stuff. All the little signs and hints that he was dissatisfied. And while I see all that, I see the changes that H would want from me, things he needed from me during the marriage. I can't give him those changes now. The changes he would want/need are really husband/wife relationship changes that I can never show him that I have made (or could improve on) without us having a connection again.

What an enlightening day...so much stuff makes so much sense.

[job]

Please do not beat yourself up. The changes were so subtle, you wouldn't have seen them at the time. As you now reflect back to that time, you can actually see how he has "evolved". Childhood does play a major role in the crisis.

You never know what tomorrow will bring, so don't say "never". Life has a way of working things out and miracles happen every day. You need to have faith, hope and a positive outlook and who knows? You just might be one of the lucky ones to have him wake up and want to return home.

For now, focus on those things that you can do to make your life better for you.

[BrightFuture]

BRNR, sorry to high jack your thread, but I have a lingering question about whether my H is in MLC or not. I didn’t any changes in him that Snodderly described. I saw some other changes. Like he was more moody and even angry at things and people. He stopped liking some people. He kind of lost interest in some of his activities (golf), but later explained it to me that he wanted to save money. We had plenty of money at the time for some recreational activities. H’s Dad died 2.5 years ago. His Dad was diagnosed with MLS one year before he died. It was a slow degradation and it was painful to watch when we visited a couple of times. There was only one change in the clothing pattern, he started wearing the flip flops, when he would never do it before. I’m not sure if I can pinpoint anything else.

So, If I go by the big event in H’s life (his Dad getting sick), it should about 3 to 3.5 years since the start of MLC. I think that his MLC is a mild one (if it is MLC at all), so he should be pretty close to the end of it, right? He started communicating with me more recently. He now calls instead of text, but it is all about business. So, I’m not sure how to interpret this. Is he trying to reconnect, or he is getting more comfortable with being friends?

[BRNR]

Snodderly, I am not going to beat myself up. This has freed me.

Freed me with a lot of unresolved questions. Freed me to see what needed to change about me. I do have hope that one day I can show this to my H. I know in my heart that I will not be able to do the things I did to my H. Things that added to the hurt and pain he was and probably still is feeling. I know now I will be able to have compassion. I needed to find something inside myself. That was my part in this journey. I just want to now build on it and improve upon what I have learned. As the title of my thread...looking inward. I am so glad to have learned this lesson now. I will be praying for all the right things now. I will be praying that my H heals and finds himself and all the love that exist for him. Not that my H returns to me. If he does, then I know I will be strong enough and know enough to really be able to have something great with him, an even better marriage than what we had. But if not, then I also will be praying for him to be restored and for his relationship with our boys to be restored...which has been God's true gift.

I am sorry to ramble on a spiritual rant, but maybe my fog is lifting...so much that I see soooo clearly. I will be building on this...I know my journey is not over yet, and may have just started today.

[TSquared2]

Good stuff ^^^^^ B!

[job]

BrightFuture,
Yes, moodiness, short tempered dislike friends and picked up new ones, etc. The list could go on and on for little signs that things were changing.

There's no way that we can predict whether he is close to the end or not. It will end when he's ready to end it, i.e., he's resolved his issues. It could be another year or 2 or 3 or even longer, it all depends upon his issues. That's why it is important to not focus on the stages or the length of time that is discussed all over the forum. It's important to remember that you are now on his time clock, which runs very slowly.

I would think he's just getting comfortable being friends right now. Reconnection will not begin w/you. You will be the very last person in his reconnection chain.

B,
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now. MLC doesn't happen over night and it's one of those deals where it just keeps up on you and them BAM! You are hit right between the eyes. The mlcers have these underlying uncomfortable feelings for years and they do not discuss what is on their minds w/us. They think we should be aware of what is going on w/them...unfortunately...the crystal balls do not work on this type of situation.

You've come a long way and now that you have a better understand of what is going on and w/your detachment, you definitely are in a better place.

Hang in there!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Snodderly.

BRNR, you are making great progress. I enjoy reading your posts.

[BRNR]

Snodderly and Bright...and T....thanks for your input today.

Other news...and maybe positives. I have been so focused on me and my feelings, and the boys that I have dropped the ball on keeping up with the little interactions/connections I do have with H. Now that I am in a good space and honestly really detached (not 100%) I am unsure what my next steps should be. Now I don't want to get attached..., but I think I should be trying something new...idk.

H seems comfortable the past couple of weeks with chatting. Stupid stuff, weather, work, boys. There have also been times where he has asked me about things...usually concerning the kids. I also found out from S10 that his father did "speak" to him about a disciplinary issue at school that I had mentioned to him, and today H called me at work to ask if it would be okay if S10 skipped martial arts class so he could spend time with the boys. I am finding that when my H speaks he seems to be telling the "truth" to some degree, and valuing my input ?!?! His demeanor seems "happier" around me for the most part. Unless I do my own version of bomb dropping that H doesn't like. (Which will be coming soon...I'll post as this unfolds).

I know the saying if his lips are moving he is lying, but could it be possible that my H is the opposite of that? Or could I be missing something? IDK.

I did some reflection on OW spending time with my boys alone. While I don't think this is healthy for boys, it could be a good dose of reality for OW and H to see that it won't be a bed of roses should thier relationship continue in the long term. That thought could backfire on me as well, but I think I am going to let that way one play out. I mean eventually it may just happen that they become one big "happy" family. As the kids get older they may speak thier mind about it. I am letting this go...for now.

So up until today, my thought process was to stay out of H's way and let him lead the life he wants without my interference. I also stayed away from any connecting moments because 1-I was in a bad place hurting, 2-he is making his life with OW right now, and 3-I was working on me. Does anyone feel I should shake up this dynamic at the moment, and what could I do?

I guess my thought is if we lose all connection there will be no turning back for him, but I know this is not true in some cases...it just feels that way to me.

Any thoughts on this would be great. I know one thing I want to start doing is look H in the eyes more. Hard to do with phone or text, lol! But in prior interactions H always wore sunglasses and made this difficult. Maybe he wore them to hide behind, but he doesn't seem to do that anymore. Look, I know H is deep in replay behavior (or is seemingly happy with life right now), so I don't want to screw up all the work I have put in. I just think "something different" needs to happen with our interactions.

[job]

B,
There is no right or wrong way when dealing w/mlcers. Try something new and if he reacts in a negative manner, you'll know not to do it again. It's okay to experiment, but watch his body language to see how he receives the action.

Your h sounds like he's settling down just a bit and maybe it's time to start that "looking into his eyes" when he's around you.

You'll know when the time is right to try something different.

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly...not sure he is settling down more so not taking things out on me at the moment. He seems comfortable and happy. I don't like that I am not part of that at the moment. But I think I know why...(My bomb might change this shortly). I will try looking him in his eyes without anything else at the moment. I am strong enough to do that and that will show my confidence as well.