I can't control whether or not he'll have an OW in his life come August. I can't control whether or not he'll be relaxed and comfortable in the hospital with me. I can't make him love me... all I can do is make the decision to leave him alone and stick to it because if I don't leave him alone I can all but guarantee the OW will be in the picture and he'll be miserable around me.
Good thinking, and yes, you're right. But try to change your focus, you're still very husband-centered in your thinking. The time and space is as much for you as for him. You need time and space to decide what YOU want out of life too. In your later posts I'm starting to get the impression that your H is VERY selfish, and if that's accurate, you don't deserve that. You don't deserve an H that places cars, boats and girlfriends before you. If he decides to come back again then you should set some very firm boundaries, you can't keep the revolving door policy going with him as he will continue to walk all over you.
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Every time my H has moved out I've told him I can't allow him to come back if he leaves again. The fact that I've said that 15 times should be sign enough that making such permanent and strong statements isn't working!
Probably because it's a threat rather than a boundary, and it's not well-defined. If there is a "next time" then you need to develop defined boundaries, and consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
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This past weekend I took a road trip with my guitar to practice by the water in a place I love. I'm still very new to playing but I always thought it would be nice to have someone playing guitar when hanging out and since no one I know plays I decided I'd have to learn myself.
Fantastic GAL effort, keep it up!
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One minute I feel fine, confident and blessed and for many good things in life. The next I feel the pains of despair and like there just isn't enough air to breathe.
Just understand that it's NORMAL to feel that way! You don't need to fight it, you don't need to think something is wrong, you don't need to wonder why others seem to heal faster than you. Those are YOUR emotions and it's just fine to feel them and to cry, it's part of the road to healing.
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Anyone have any good tricks for taking their mind off things when your mind begins to race?
Whatever works for you, maybe taking that guitar out and going somewhere peaceful. Grief would hit me at strange times, like at the gym. What helped me was to ask myself "what is different right this second than when I was married?" The answer was usually "nothing". In other words, when I was married and at the gym I was there without W, so now that I'm separated and at the gym, it's no different, I'm still there without W. In that regard the "difference" in my sitch was purely my state-of-mind.
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I remember reading in someone else's sitch where if someone does the same thing 3 times you have to decide whether it is something you can live with or not and if you decide to live with it you just have to let it go. So I asked myself 'Can I live with him not being able to make me a priority over his work if we were to reconcile?'
Also keep in mind that you do NOT want to be a doormat, ever. There is no doormat behavior that you should ask "can I live with this?" because it's not healthy for you or your M. Your H putting you on the back burner while he tinkers with cars, boats and affair partners is just unacceptable.
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Every now and again I catch myself thinking 'I bet he's on his best behavior, having energy to stay up and hang out, doing fun things, not working as much. I bet she's getting to go out in the boat I never got to go out in that he spent all last summer working on instead of spending time with me, driving around in the sports car he bought when I complained he wasn't financially contributing' And I think "Of course he's having more fun with her. She probably isn't tied down by having kids around. She isn't pregnant.'
We have a name for that here- "mind-reading". Don't do it. It's usually inaccurate, and it always puts you in a worse frame of mind. The next time you start doing it then tell yourself "oh here I go with the mind-reading again, stop that!" You'll probably find that now that you can put a name on it it'll make it easier to stop yourself from doing it.
