I see you not just a WAW expert here on the boards, but THE WAW expert here. So much of what you have said has been helpful to me since I've been here. It has changed my course many times.
The fact that she never said ILY nagged at me. Ditto on "I've missed you". But I guess I looked past it. There are other friends that I have that have said I have been far too nice. I guess I have always feared that being anything different, fomenting conflict, etc. - would push her away and make her think I'm an ahole. And who wants to be with that guy? I was so blown away by all of the charges leveled against me when she she dropped the bomb (it made me feel like I was the biggest ahole on earth) that I have tried not to land there again. Put simply I read her anger as something that results in her rejection of me. I am not saying this is logical or justifiable - it's just where my head goes.
I strongly believe that it is time to just move on with life. It's just difficult because I still love her and want my family back desperately. And I haven't given up hope. Sandi, as you may have read in previous posts I am terrified that lack of contact will be read as lack of interest and she will just be gone. Or just be glad I'm not interested. I don't want to be "out of sight, out of mind" with her. Now, I KNOW that doing the opposite hasn't done much for me in terms of long term success and breaking down her walls and restoring feelings. But I am so worried distance will push her away even though I know it MAY also make her further contemplate her loss.
You are right, she does want a second baby badly. At 40, time's a'wastin. What it would take to start that up with a new person in a meaningful relationship, marry (if that's a priority) and have a child seems like such a long time line. She wants a family - she has made that clear. Why not now? Why not with me? Sandi, how can she just look right past me? Someone that loves her, her son, wants a family, and wants another child?
I don't know how she would react if I were to date. I kinda feel like I would get the "well-good-I-want-you-to-be-happy" response, but part of me believes that if she truly knew or saw that someone was getting the love, affection and attention that has always been hers without question, she would struggle. She, like me, would probably have a hard time with the notion of another person raising our son.
I really need guidance here, Sandi and others. I really am not finding my way well this week.
