No more games- suckerpunch

[swoop]

However, my wifes grandfather, a man I dearly admire, is leaving his home to move 12 hours north where another family member can care for him. He is in his late 70's, with deteriorating health. It is very likely that the day in question would be the last time my daughter would likely ever see him. I felt it was important for her to be there to see her great grandpa off for the last time. That is the sole reason why I agreed to the request, and it was also the only reason I allowed the time to be extended. Bearing any unforseen tragedy, I will have many more chances at fathers day with my daughter. That is what drove my decision.

Then why are you so bitter and angry about it? And don't use the "oh I was just venting" excuse again, you are CLEARLY very bitter and angry towards your W over this and you have no right to be. 25 spends a ton of time trying to hold a mirror up to you so you can see your faults and errors and you keep repeating the same pattern of explaining her comments away as if they don't apply. But oh do they ever apply, and you continue to avert your gaze from the mirror she's holding up to you. 25 sees it, we see it, but you STILL don't see it. And you need to. Because as long as you refuse to see it then YOU are the impediment to reconciling with your W and YOU are the roadblock on the road to making yourself the best possible person and the spouse only a fool would leave.

I was bitter and angry because of the way she went about it. She asked for 3 hours. Then, she never brought daughter by in the morning, but I figured maybe they were running late trying to get ready. Then, 30 minutes after they are supposed to be here she texts asking for more time. She was already late, even before asking for more time. I admit, I did agree to the terms. But then, she shows up an hour late, and she had to dump our daughter off quickly with a dirty face and a hungry belly so she could go spend time with OM. I ended up with roughly 2 hours, out of the ENTIRE day, to spend with daughter. I acted as if. I rolled with the punches, but how am I supposed to feel about that, Happy? What she did was selfish and inconsiderate. Perhaps it was my fault for allowing it, but I know that I would have been the bad guy if I said "no, bring her home now" or not even allowed her to go in the first place. I didn't want that either. I was put in a difficult place and I did my best, or at least what I thought was my best.

I did not ask to attend. That would have been the most sincere form or pursuing I can think of. I am sure you would have let me have it for ever mentioning something like that.

You are trying your best to control and manipulate us into seeing things your way. Truth darts are being thrown at you and you are holding a flimsy shield up to try and divert them from hitting the target. That shield has a name- EGO. Look, I've been there, maybe that's why it's so easy for me to recognize the same in you. I have some not-so-proud moments in my threads where I let my ego prevent me from understanding some of the comments that were thrown at me. I spent time trying to explain things away to justify my negative behavior. But it wasn't until I got over myself that the real healing and growth began.

I really struggle with this paragraph. It honestly feels like you are just trying to point out that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I do is wrong. I am not trying to manipulate anyone, AS. Do you honestly feel that I should have asked to be invited? Do you honestly feel that I am manipulating you by pointing out that I think it would be considered pursuing? I mean, maybe I am really really not getting the view in the mirror, but what you said here seems extrememly confusing to me.

I was however very hurt that I was not asked.

Do you understand 25's point that YOU are hurting YOURSELF? Your W had nothing to do with it. She didn't insist on taking D, she ASKED you. You gave FULL PERMISSION. You never once communicated to W that you wanted any of D's time for Father's Day. You and your W are S, things like this are NOT your W's responsibility anymore. YOU didn't take responsibility and now you want to blame W for it.

I am going to defend myself once more. I DID make it clear that I wanted time with daughter. That is why I originally agreed to allowing wife to have her from 1-4pm. Every other minute of the day was supposed to be mine. That was our initial agreement. Furthermore, I don't see how, me not being invited and not asking to be invited, is "me hurting myself". Can you explain that?

It was not my place to request and invite.

Says who? YOU. Don't make up rules as you go to justify your negative behavior.

Justify my negative behavior? I didn't ask, possibly because it would have been rude, presumptuous, put someone in a awkward position, the list goes on. For all I knew, the OM was going to attend. Perhaps the whole family discussed it and decided against inviting me because I eat too much. I don't know. I feel it is simply poor ettiquete to invite ones self to a function. It is not like I was accidentally overlooked during the making of the guest list. Perhaps I am wrong in my thinking, but I also thought that asking to be included in her family function was not the right thing to do. Early on in my sitch, I asked to be included at a lighted christmas parade with daughter and several friends. I was told on several posts that was wrong of me to do, because it came off as pressuring and pursuing.

Wife later told me that she didn't invite me because I do not invite her to my family functions. That absolutely blew me away. I thought that she no longer wished to be part of any of it. I was shocked.

And why did this blow you away? Because you don't communicate with your W. You have no idea what her feelings are, you continue to just assume that you know what she is thinking/ feeling.

you are absolutely right. I assumed. I have not been a good ommunicator in the past, and now wife is not even open to most conversations with me. She is extremely guarded. How do I change this? I don't know how to initiate a conversation, outside of daughter, without coming off as pressuring.

Oh, and in regards to the family members that spoke with wife. they were actually HER family members, cousins. I was not present, nor did I have any idea the discussions were going on. I was only informed about it the next day.

Who is telling you this stuff? You keep sharing all this info about people beating up your W, then when someone calls you out on not doing anything about it your response is always the same, along the lines of "oh they're not my friends/ relatives, I have no control over that". I think 25 is on the mark when she says you secretly enjoy seeing your W berated like this. You still think this is all your W's fault and you're just the victim. Frankly I think your W is a much bigger victim in this, she's not just being beat up by you, but by every friend and relative as well. And why do all of these people view her as the guilty party? Who would be giving them that impression? I'm sure right now you're thinking it's her, she's bringing it on herself. But you don't realize the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that you constantly attack your W, I'm sure you do it in "real life" because you do it constantly here as well.

I have given this a lot of thought, AS. You're right. 25 is right. While I honestly feel I am not making any of it happen, I do feel some sort of satisfaction when wife is beat up on in regards to her actions or choices. I have been very much supportive of wife when discussing it with others. I have expressed sympathy for her, mentioned time and time again that she is really dealing with tough choices, that she was not happy and is trying to come up with the best solution for herself and that is she is doing the best that she can. I feel for her. I don't beat up on her. However, I do feel she "gets what she deserves" when others do it. That is a problem that I need to figure out. I am not sure why I feel that way, other than deep down inside I still do believe that her choice to leave the relationship was not fully warranted, not without at least some margin of trying to save the marriage. I feel it was VERY selfish of her to make this choice, while daughter and I have to feel the consequences. Why didn't she agree to trying to work on it before pulling the plug? Why wasn't daughter or I given any input on the decision? I think those feelings run very deep in me.

]I needed to be more pro-active in my marriage years ago, not months ago. Now, I feel it is far, far too late.

Do you assume a defeatist attitude like this in everything in your life? Not sure if you smoke, but if you were a smoker and you got lung cancer, would you say "oh well, I should have quit smoking a long time ago, but it's too late now." Or would you say "screw this cancer stuff, I choose LIFE! I am going to make changes now, I am going to do everything to make the best of what I have left and extend that time as much as I can! I am going to show the world that I can beat the odds!" I've been around both of those types of people. People that quit as soon as things got a little tough, and people that soared like eagles despite facing ridiculous odds. I'm sure you can pause and think of people that fit in both of those categories. Which did you respect? Which type inspired you? Why? Which do YOU want to be?

I don't consider myself a defeatist, but I am a realist. I am here, right now, fighting my fight, AS. If I was a complete defeatist, I wouldn't even be on this forum. I am trying to improve. I am trying to save my marriage. I am trying to be a better man. I need work. I'm not perfect, but I am here trying to find the solutions and work on my problems. You are helping me with that, and I appreciate it so much.