Got back yesterday from couple days at Scout camp. Was really glad I was able to spend this time with S12 and the couple days with just the two of us made me realize how much focus I have put on the M, at the expense of the time with the kids. This was appropriate, but I think we went from one end of the spectrum to the other, and we need to make sure there is some balance.
Things have been just ok with W and I last couple weeks. We have been super busy with our family trip and other summer activities, but there is soemthing else that is going on. W seems to be a bit more isolated/cold. Not harshly, just, IDK, different. It feels a bit like the months before BD, only now I am more dialed in. I am trying not to mindread or do any temperature checks, just noting it here. We have our first MC session tomorrow, so maybe I will learn something there.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I'm so glad you had a nice time with your son, Charlie, and that you realized that you need some balance between focusing on your M and kids. Mine were already "grown up" (in years if not in maturity LOL) when our voyage into MLC began, so it does not bother them in the same way. It hurts me to see that my sons have lost a lot of respect for their dad though. Do you have any more family activities planned for the summer?
It must be upsetting for you that your W is acting more isolated and cold. The months before BD were a killer, that's when my H started telling me everything he did not like about me and I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make him happy. I felt like he hated me sometimes, so mean. Did your W do that too, or did she just act distant?
Good luck with your MC session tomorrow. Is he or she a MLC-saavy counselor? My first counselor said she did not even believe in MLC. And was of no help to me at all.
It is likely that your W is still in the process of change (ie. transition / MLC)... like that wasn't stating the obvious...
That said, your feeling like things are a bit like the months prior to BD could be bang on, which could mean that your W is making an adjustment.
Until she finds her peace, her rhythm, her pattern... she will likely do this.
Do your best to stay out of her way (because of possible MLC spew) and keep encouraging and supporting positive changes as she moves along, without offering help. Even if that means just saying or doing nothing.
If the topic of MLC comes up and the counsellor says they don't believe in MLC... drop the term "adjustment disorder" on their lap and see what the counsellor has to say about that...
Good stuff with your son, CB. Yes, we do need to find balance. I would venture that you, like me, tend to zero in on what we "think" is the high priority issue to keep the family "business" solvent...but we learn that the "business" has other needs that need attending to as well, while the main issue works its' course, know what I mean?
Your W sounds like she is in a "withdrawal" stage (from HB's "Stages")...My W has done this many times, usually it signals a change in her is imminent (sometimes for the better, sometimes for "less than ideal"). Best to roll with it as it emerges, accept who she is, where she is, at this moment in time...it'll change again most likely...I found the metaphor of a teenager who is trying different "identity" things...eg, preppy, goth, punk, jock, etc. helpful...and I went through that with my oldest son just before W got going full steam with her journey...seems to fit pretty well... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"I found the metaphor of a teenager who is trying different "identity" things...eg, preppy, goth, punk, jock, etc. helpful" Wow T^2, this is an excellent metaphor, and is so helpful. Thank you!
KD, Linda, and T - Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.
Linda - My W isn't being mean outright, just doing things in a way that feels more like before (focusing less on us, more distractions/walls, less physical or emotional connections). Nothing dramatic, but as the saying goes, "just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't trying to kill me." I have learned to trust my gut, I ignored my gut for several months prior to bd, and my guy is telling me something is off.
Also, Linda, yes, our MC was trained by MWD and Gottman, and has talked about MLC and WAW. He is super-dialed in on it.
T and KD - Your thoughts on stages and withdrawal are good ones and T, I LOVE the metaphor!
I think my W might be going through "I am not going to leave and I am going to try to be content with things being pretty good" mixed with a bit of "MC fatigue/let's pretend things are ok". This is mind-reading, but she has made statements that fit in as well, so I think there is something to it. I might start a new thread called "The quest for mediocrity" but I am still working through my thoughts a bit.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I know what you mean by picking up on when things are a little bit off. It's always unnerving to wonder what new bad thing will come our way, right?
That's why we are digging in our heels with lots of patience.
I think you are balancing very well--dates with W, time with kids, and still working and keeping everything together.
I remember last summer I camped with S13 in the yard under a full moon and all I could think about was H was out on the town partying with women. I didn't take the opportunity to fully enjoy like I should have and I regret it now.
Good for you in making a genuine connection with your son. You will never regret that!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
