Gym membership, walking dogs at the shelter, going out with friends (tough one as im not a drinker, they all are, but its a start), recently started taking dance lessons, cooking classes, and taking my walks everyday to just get out of the house.
Is it wrong to want to get out of the house, and I mean move out? I really feel better when she's not home, is that sad to say?
I've been GAL, but honestly these last few weeks, I feel better when i'm not around her. I'm not sure if its my weakness with patience, not see results fast enough. Or, honestly im just tired of dealing with her negativity.
I was in a GREAT mood yesterday, we went to lunch, and by the end of lunch she dragged me all the way down that it wrecked the rest of my day on into my evening. I was upbeat, serious PMA, and she is just so depressed its a bummer to be around. I went to my dance class, and went and hung out at a friends house till around 8pm, felt better, then I came home and bam, I wanted out of the house again. This has got to be some kind of phase, I mean I want the marriage to work. I cant even recommend her seeing a dr. without her saying she's fine, then getting bitter, so I stopped that, no more ideas from me. I cant fix her, I know that, but its rough watching her waste away, or maybe its just reflection on her part, lol.
Is it wrong to want to get out of the house, and I mean move out? I really feel better when she's not home, is that sad to say?
If your just venting, thats fine (and continue to do so). I am not a lawyer, but do not move out. It can create a layer of complexity for your access to the home and family (unless there were issues with physical/substance abuse). Just keep GAL'ing.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
I've been GAL, but honestly these last few weeks, I feel better when i'm not around her. I'm not sure if its my weakness with patience, not see results fast enough. Or, honestly im just tired of dealing with her negativity.
Past few weeks? Yes, It is a lack of patience.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
I cant even recommend her seeing a dr. without her saying she's fine, then getting bitter, so I stopped that, no more ideas from me. I cant fix her, I know that, but its rough watching her waste away, or maybe its just reflection on her part, lol.
Detach, it is up to her to take the steps for her. You are taking the steps for you, and that's all you can do.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
I feel the same way sometimes. In fact, these past days I feel like asking my W to leave as a kind of ultimatum: either you love me, say so, and express it, or it is better that you move out.
Yet, if I look at my sitch objectively, I see that I (we) have made great progress. Many small babysteps add up over time. To confront my W like that would do the opposite of bring us together, and the only reason I feel that way is my frustration with how long this takes.
Back to your sitch, I think Michele's advice on setting small goals helps you keep things going. If you set small goals and see improvements, then it builds motivation for you to keep going. So you need to ask yourself, what are your small goals?
Overall is hasn't been 4 weeks, its been 5 months, the 4 weeks are the full 180. There hasn't really been any progress I guess, but there hasn't been any setbacks either.
Well, in our situation, our marriage issues were lack of communication and emotional involvement. So the DB coach said for me the 180 was working on those without pressing/pushing. Listen to her complaints, and validate. Small steps are to show im there listening, responding and not being judgmental/fixing/rug sweeping.
The problem with that is she no longer wants to talk about it, just kind move on in an "I give up" type of emotional state.
For the next week, im going to give myself a goal of not bringing it up, let her if she wants. I'll see how she responds, like the DB coach says, try something new, if that doesn't work try something else. Basically im still in the trial and error department, slowly figuring things out. Right now, she's so depressed its hard to get a read on anything positive, but the negative lessons learned are just as important.
I'll schedule my next DB coaching call for after this trial "no communication" (don't mean silent treatment-just no specifics) week. Tweak as the week goes and then get my advice from Chuck.
SA, I hear ya, in the past the ultimatum ideas were rampant in my mind, now I've learned thru someones quote here "This isn't a race its a marathon". Not sure who said it, but its so true.
Overall I guess the thing im learning is maybe now is not the time to be working on the "us" in very many ways. Just keep working on the me. Give her some time and space, and hope she starts to figure herself out. Let her bring it up, if/when she's ready to do so.
Hi there, just read through your thread and your situation, and feelings, seem to be similar to what I am going through (check out my thread if you wish). My husband dropped the "I'm not in love with you anymore" bomb back in February. Since then we had counseling (didn't help) and have since stopped going. A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to separate. Then the next day he was on the fence again. We have been in a strange limbo ever since where we are living together but don't know if we are separating, if that makes since.
My husband has been depressed over this, and I am having the same kind of feelings and worries as you are. It is hard to ignore when you are around your spouse and they constantly look worried/sad/depressed. Frankly, it is bring me down as well. Is that how you are also feeling? Do you think your wife is depressed due to the state of your marriage or other reasons? I think my husband is feeling so sad due to worrying about our relationship and the fact that he feels he does not love me.
It is definitely hard staying in this limbo while being married to someone, and not knowing whether it will work out or not. I know you mentioned you feel better someones when you are not around your spouse lately...that is how I have been feeling as well. Yesterday I could not even stand to be in the same house as my husband.. I just had to get away! lol.
Going through all of this seems to have such as negative effect on the LBS.. almost to the point where we feel like walking away. I think we should stay strong and keep at the 180s. It is tempting to want to walk away, but time and patience seems to be what we need.
Sorry for rambling. If you have any questions for me let me know..and keep at it! Have a good day.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So she changed from going out with friends, shopping, tanning, trips, etc., to suddenly stopping everything? Has she ever suffered from depression in the past?
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Well, in our situation, our marriage issues were lack of communication and emotional involvement. So the DB coach said for me the 180 was working on those without pressing/pushing. Listen to her complaints, and validate. Small steps are to show im there listening, responding and not being judgmental/fixing/rug sweeping.
The problem with that is she no longer wants to talk about it, just kind move on in an "I give up" type of emotional state.
The more you try to bring "it" up in conversation, the more likely she will react in a very negative way. It often pushes the S to announce they want a D. Perhaps the DB Coach was referring to communication in general. Find subjects of common interest and pretend you are conversing with a special guest. You are friendly, polite, and graceful. You are careful not to say or do anything that would be offensive. You put effort into making the conversational topic interesting. You may need to start with just small talk, and go from there.
The biggest part of communication is listening. If you are an impatient man, she may have felt that you got irritated with her in the past and has stopped trying to discuss things. Learn to ask her questions that require more than one word answers. When I first came on board, I remember telling a LBH to look his W straight into her eyes whenever she spook to him. I've noticed that piece of advice has been passed around over the years. I hope you'll pay attention to it b/c it's one of the mistakes men make in their MR that causes more undercurrent friction with her than you can imagine. So train yourself to look deep into her eyes when she's talking. That action tells her you are interested in what she's saying, and most of all that you value her enough to show her as much respect as you would a guest in your home.
Do not be critical when she tries to talk. Do not correct her. Do not mock her or disrespect her in any fashion. Stay away from subjects that you know will lead to an argument or hurt feelings. Do not cause her to feel you are rushing her to get through telling you something. Do not lose your cool.
Okay about lack of emotional involvement.......what does that mean? I think I know, but I want to hear your thoughts about it.
You have your work cut out for you! Living with a depressed person is very tough. I have suffered with depression for most of my life. The past two years my H has been very depressed due to losing a brother and his own health problems. So whether there is a "legitimate" reason in the beholder's eye, it is still very difficult to have it or live with it.
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For the next week, im going to give myself a goal of not bringing it up, let her if she wants. I'll see how she responds, like the DB coach says, try something new, if that doesn't work try something else
But not to try to get her to bring "it" up.
The first big hump for the LBH to climb over is realizing that he cannot fix her and the M by talking about it. I wish it did b/c then it would be fairly easy to work through, but it isn't. The sooner you stop waiting to have the big R discussion that will take care of this problem......the sooner you will be on your way to being calmer and will stop putting pressure (unrealized) on her. There is a big difference in encouraging and pressure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Its a fence with the sharp pointed ends too! We are still living together, sleep in the same bed,she has never used the word divorce, but at the same time she has no clue of what she wants from minute to minute. I think in her case, the depression, is from having to make a decision of whether to make a commitment to the marriage or break up 21 years of marriage and our family.
Like you, to look at our spouses in this condition hurts, the pain they must be going thru, but at the same time, the hurt they're putting us/family thru. Its hard to be around, and no matter what im doing, it still affects me. I know I cant fix it, but I want to help, its so hard to not go there. Its the "why cant they see whats happening" syndrome I guess.
The recent emotions of wanting to get away are recent, and according to Chuck a normal process in our own justification. I'm gonna pop over and for sure, read your thread. The more insight I gather, the more I realize unfortunetly this is almost common place. How sad is that. I know walking away would be the biggest mistake I could make but that darn patience thing is my biggest obstacle. With my IC, its the thing im working on the most/hardest, its something I need to change about myself, not just with the marriage.
Yes, stopped everything, she doesn't even really get herself very dressed for work anymore. Not that I know of about past depression. But I know the advice she's been getting is from her mom, who she had NO relationship with, even dropped her off at relatives several times growing up for a year or so at a time. So her way of dealing with things is running from them. Not a great role model or help for our situation.
Good point sandi, I probably misunderstood Chucks point. Tyvm for enlightening me on the difference.
The emotional neglect is basically for years and years I was a Foreman on very large projects (600million-1.5 billion dollar jobs). They were long hours with lots of responsibility, often going months without even a day off. My wife basically raised the kids with only financial support, and when I was home, I was taking the kids to practices/games. There wasn't much time for us. I wasn't happy back then either, but we both thought thats what your supposed to be doing for your kids, right? Especially considering how we were both raised. Well its a hard lesson to find out after the fact, a resounding NO. Must make time for each other!!
The eye contact thing was something I was doing, and Chuck made sure to mention it as well. Also agreeing with you about the listening!! and then validate.
Heres the kicker, our lives have been so much about work and the kids, its sad to say, but we don't know how to talk to each other about anything else it seems. My GAL stuff isn't something I want to bring up too much, even thou she asks what and who i'm with, it almost feels like im rubbing it in, my opinion. Its like trying to read a book, with all the pages blank, you try something, look for a reaction, make adjustments.
Yes, the pressure, I don't even realize sometimes im doing it, I have to realize its not what i'm doing, but how she is taking it. A new concept for me, to always consider the other "shoe".
Thx again for your input, its so beneficial to have that outside perspective to brings things to light in a different/neutral manner. I appreciate your honesty and opinions greatly.
