However, my wifes grandfather, a man I dearly admire, is leaving his home to move 12 hours north where another family member can care for him. He is in his late 70's, with deteriorating health. It is very likely that the day in question would be the last time my daughter would likely ever see him. I felt it was important for her to be there to see her great grandpa off for the last time. That is the sole reason why I agreed to the request, and it was also the only reason I allowed the time to be extended. Bearing any unforseen tragedy, I will have many more chances at fathers day with my daughter. That is what drove my decision.
Then why are you so bitter and angry about it? And don't use the "oh I was just venting" excuse again, you are CLEARLY very bitter and angry towards your W over this and you have no right to be. 25 spends a ton of time trying to hold a mirror up to you so you can see your faults and errors and you keep repeating the same pattern of explaining her comments away as if they don't apply. But oh do they ever apply, and you continue to avert your gaze from the mirror she's holding up to you. 25 sees it, we see it, but you STILL don't see it. And you need to. Because as long as you refuse to see it then YOU are the impediment to reconciling with your W and YOU are the roadblock on the road to making yourself the best possible person and the spouse only a fool would leave.
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I did not ask to attend. That would have been the most sincere form or pursuing I can think of. I am sure you would have let me have it for ever mentioning something like that.
You are trying your best to control and manipulate us into seeing things your way. Truth darts are being thrown at you and you are holding a flimsy shield up to try and divert them from hitting the target. That shield has a name- EGO. Look, I've been there, maybe that's why it's so easy for me to recognize the same in you. I have some not-so-proud moments in my threads where I let my ego prevent me from understanding some of the comments that were thrown at me. I spent time trying to explain things away to justify my negative behavior. But it wasn't until I got over myself that the real healing and growth began.
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I was however very hurt that I was not asked.
Do you understand 25's point that YOU are hurting YOURSELF? Your W had nothing to do with it. She didn't insist on taking D, she ASKED you. You gave FULL PERMISSION. You never once communicated to W that you wanted any of D's time for Father's Day. You and your W are S, things like this are NOT your W's responsibility anymore. YOU didn't take responsibility and now you want to blame W for it.
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It was not my place to request and invite.
Says who? YOU. Don't make up rules as you go to justify your negative behavior.
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Wife later told me that she didn't invite me because I do not invite her to my family functions. That absolutely blew me away. I thought that she no longer wished to be part of any of it. I was shocked.
And why did this blow you away? Because you don't communicate with your W. You have no idea what her feelings are, you continue to just assume that you know what she is thinking/ feeling.
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Oh, and in regards to the family members that spoke with wife. they were actually HER family members, cousins. I was not present, nor did I have any idea the discussions were going on. I was only informed about it the next day.
Who is telling you this stuff? You keep sharing all this info about people beating up your W, then when someone calls you out on not doing anything about it your response is always the same, along the lines of "oh they're not my friends/ relatives, I have no control over that". I think 25 is on the mark when she says you secretly enjoy seeing your W berated like this. You still think this is all your W's fault and you're just the victim. Frankly I think your W is a much bigger victim in this, she's not just being beat up by you, but by every friend and relative as well. And why do all of these people view her as the guilty party? Who would be giving them that impression? I'm sure right now you're thinking it's her, she's bringing it on herself. But you don't realize the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that you constantly attack your W, I'm sure you do it in "real life" because you do it constantly here as well.
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I needed to be more pro-active in my marriage years ago, not months ago. Now, I feel it is far, far too late.
Do you assume a defeatist attitude like this in everything in your life? Not sure if you smoke, but if you were a smoker and you got lung cancer, would you say "oh well, I should have quit smoking a long time ago, but it's too late now." Or would you say "screw this cancer stuff, I choose LIFE! I am going to make changes now, I am going to do everything to make the best of what I have left and extend that time as much as I can! I am going to show the world that I can beat the odds!" I've been around both of those types of people. People that quit as soon as things got a little tough, and people that soared like eagles despite facing ridiculous odds. I'm sure you can pause and think of people that fit in both of those categories. Which did you respect? Which type inspired you? Why? Which do YOU want to be?
I knew a teenaged boy that contracted cancer, son of a coworker. He became an activist, traveling with his family to raise cancer awareness and bring in money. Not for himself, because it was too late for him to be cured. He was doing it for others that he would never even know. He fought the cancer hard, he fought bravely, and he fought with a dignity that I've rarely seen. He NEVER let cancer interfere with his PMA and to the end he was a beacon of hope to others. The cancer won and he died. But you know what people remember? NOT a victim. A HERO.
We all have the stuff to be heroes. But first we have to CHOOSE to quit being victims.
