Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[Fartiltre]

Hi HWA

I have been reading your sitch for a long time, following your ups and downs and reading about all the work that you have been doing!

What comes to me is this:
When you seems happy it does not come from interactions with your W. It comes when you feel developing you or interactions with your sons or other people you care about.

It could be that I misinterpret you or your sitch and then you can just discard all this!

At the only MC session we had, within two weeks of BD, the counsellor told me the W was very depressed, as per the questionaire we both filled out. I still worry if she is depressed and the lack of communication with me, the change in her communication with the family (very reduced) is part of this.

STOP the worrying! It is killing you! I understand your concerns for W but I also think that you are looking for an alternate reason for B. Whether she is depressed or not – you cant change it and you cant help her!

I wonder if she is WAS or MCL/Empty nester or non of these based on how she is acting ie: simply no communication and no contact with regards to the houses being sold or names changed on the car registrations.

What difference will this do to you, the sitch, W or anything! Focus on you!

I wonder if she is feeding of the EA and vica versa (based on what this person has been like previously) or whether it is a PA.

Perhaps she is, perhaps she is not…..You can’t do anything about it!
You can be you and you are doing the he11 of a job on this one. Keep doing it! The kind of R that your W is in (whatever it is) will end according to statistics, vets and everything.
When this happens she will look back if she isn’t already! What do you want her to see!
Focus on you and only you!

I don't know how to handle my transfer back to the city. The approval will come to me in September and I have 7 days to go with it or decline. I feel if I go with it, I have let the W down and not supported her, especially if she is depressed and needs the support, even if she doesn't say so. I also feel if I don't take the transfer I will spend another year in the country without my W, without communication with her and counting the days down.

HWA, she does not want your support at the moment and if she at any point wants this you will work it out even on a distance.
Make this decision for you with no regards of W.

I am worried that I will simply get a letter from the lawyer saying I am divorced and have xx amount of time to purchase or sell the houses. Based on the valuations, I probably won't get a loan to purchase off the W, and we both lose a lot of money selling them.

Do the math and work on this one. Talk to the bank and stop guessing. Can you get the loan? What will it take to get it?
Find out which reality you will be facing if this happens.

I worry if I move back after being transferred, to our house, I will get the above letter from the lawyer and then my world is upside down again.

Same answer as above!

I will always worry that I am not doing enough to have the W want to work on the marriage. As though I am missing something.

I feel like this every day as well.
You looked yourself in the mirror three days ago “She divorced you” (Patientmans thread)
Now go to the same mirror and look again “Is this man the best he can be?”
If no; then continue what you are doing. Yes; isn’t a possibility for this one!

I am worried that I have gone back to being an emotional wreck like I was 8 months ago, maybe I haven't changed, as I am finding it harder and harder to being positive about this all.

Try to think about this feeling! Is it reasonable? Is it all right? Why do you feel it? Then distance your actions from the feeling.
You are 8 month in. R within half a year is almost impossible.

My worst worry is that I have been thinking about trying to fix my pain with an easy way out of all this. Simply getting all the financials in order and that is it.

Again – do the work! Get the golden view on the financials and your situation but do it for you and do not give it up!
You have been worried about this for a loooong time!


Please do take the above as caring! If it seems harsh I will not apologize for it but if it seems to be not well meant I sincerely do apologize!

HWA, you have been doing great but you have turned to focusing all your energy and thought towards W and worries.

Solve the things you can like the financials, learn to live with the rest – and then turn your focus on the things that makes you happy! Do turn your focus towards you, your children, friends and things that makes you happy!

If W is looking back your list isn’t showing the man that nobody would leave.
You have to find this guy within you and he is right below the guy who wrote your last post.

What will make you happy?
Do the list, do the work!

Read your own threads – you have come a long way and this is NOT the time to stop!

I understand your thoughts, get why you are hurting and think all of the above is things you already know!
I also know that writing this post is sooo incredibly easy compared to doing it - but do try!

All the best!

F