Newman, I did post about our marriage recovery with a (long) digest of how it came together, but it was posted in the "infidelity" forum, which appears to have been reset! If I search for my posts, any that I made in that forum are gone. Not sure why the entire board was eliminated, but my posts went with it.
My wife was involved in the ea for 2 years. She would constantly lie to me an tell me there was no contact, but there was. Each time I caught it, she would change tactics (hide phone numbers under someone else's contact info, or under notes in her phone etc.). We saw a counselor for a year and she flat out lied to her as well. She would say: "it's not him- I don't even think about him. It's me. I'm broken inside. I just don't love you."
So yes, I'm in 100% agreement with you that it's an addiction. They behave just like those rehab folks you see on tv! Deny, deflect, blame, guilt, threaten- all in an effort to keep their addiction going!
Making a long story short, my wife was put into a position of having to make a choice- him or me. If she chose him, she and I would never speak again. We'd have an intermediary handle communication about the kids. I refused to fill emotional needs for her while she'd chosen someone else to be with her. If she chose me, I promised that all of the changes she had witnessed in me over the previous two years would continue, and I'd do everything I could to make it the marriage of her dreams. I told her that our relationship foundation was built on years of friendship, love and trust, and that the only thing she could be sure the OM relationship started with was that he was a cheater. I knew all of my wife's flaws and loved her in spite of them- he knew none of them, only her best side. Leaving for him would be a huge risk on her part, and she knew it- like a moment of clarity. She said "but I don't love you, and I don't think I can ever get it back". I told her that I knew that she didn't love me, but as long as she has ANY contact with the OM she never would. We need to try, REALLY try, to make our marriage work, with zero contact with the OM. (previously they would "break it off" and try to work on their marriages, but it was never done with conviction, and someone would always cave in a moment of weakness and the affair was back on). She asked to sleep on it.
The next morning, she again asked "what if she wasn't able to love" me again. I asked her for a solid year of zero contact. If she didn't love me after that, then we'd go our separate ways. But at least she'd know in her heart that she'd given it her all for her family. Her heart could feel genuine. She agreed to work on the marriage and cut it off 100% with him forever.:)
Did she suffer withdrawel? Yup. She did. She'd get sad, grumpy, tempted- you name it. But she's a strong woman and kept her word of no contact (we had sent him and his wife a no contact letter. She never spoke with him again). We still had no sex for months- she just "didn't feel that way" about me.
Well, I continued to be a great husband. She started saying "were gonna be ok". I knew she was seeing hope and that my attentiveness was working. Then she told me one day that she loved me. Then she started snuggling up to me all the time. She started putting me ahead of the kids. Occasionally I'd see that "look" in her eyes again. You know the look. It's unmistakable- its the one you wish you could see again. Then, we ML. It keeps getting better and better. She's totally devoted to me now. All of the rewriting of history that happened during the affair has been reversed! I was now always a great guy! Weird, huh?
She has thanked me several times for fighting for her, saving her, saving the family. She says that at the time she never would have believed shed feel this way again. She says it the happiest she's ever been (and I thought she was on cloud 9 when we were first married). She says we have the best marriage of anyone she knows, and she feels so lucky to be with me.
Many folks on these boards ride their marriage right down into the dirt. If you are spineless (and I don't mean acting like a jerk), your spouse will lose respect for you and you will give them all the reason they need to leave. You need to make yourself a real alternative to the affair partner- not their foil.
