New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[InnerStrength]

Hadlee, often the sentiment around here is that the leaving spouse should suffer all displacement, not the LBS. Whether that's saying "If you want to leave, you will need to leave the bedroom" or saying the same about the house. I don't know if vets will chime in on this as it pertains to your situation specifically and I'm not one, but just a thought before you take any action either way.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks InnerStrength, makes sense but i am not sure if its worth leaving it for a little while first, from discussions we had earlier this week i think she is going to make a decision sooner rather than later, it would be a shame to rock the boat right now and have it blow up in my face but at the same time i dont want to give the impression of being weak and not having my own boundaries!
Why cant life be simple lol

[Fartiltre]

Hi

I am glad that you found out more about validating – this is important. I have the exact same problems as you, and have experienced major development already but also finds that there is a lot of practise and further studying ahead if I want to be the jedimaster of this – and I do want that. It is surely hard to learn but it is essential to this and I do think it will do me (and you) good in all kind of relations.

….so keep on reading and practising this. I practise on friends, children and in all relations.
Try google on “active listening” and "active listening skills exercises”. This wont make you really validate but perhaps it can help you on the concept of listening.


About the bed!
IS is right about suggestions from in here and I agree with them. If she doesn’t want to sleep next to you then she can move. You are the only one that knows your W and sitch well enough to judge on this one but I think I would simply state something like!
“W! I have been thinking about your suggestion about swapping night in bed and on the couch and I do appreciate you coming up with solutions but I do not feel like sleeping on the couch anymore – it kills my back and ruins my sleep. I will sleep in the bed from here on! I wont mind you sleeping next to me so feel absolutely free to decide what ever you want.”
And then sleep in the bed!

With my W and her moods I would properly throw in something to ligten it up like:
"If you wont snore or grind your teeth to much I wont mind you sleeping next to me so feel absolutely free to decide what ever you want.”
I do not know your W, R or you well enough to judge on this but it is my experience that a smile or a laugh, always lighten things up a bit in my sitch.
You have to be you and use your own words otherwise it will seem false - so be you!

If she wants to argue about this one I would validate her feelings but also hold my ground!

Why are you so afraid of this one?
(Give it some thoughts!! - I have been asked that question in here a lot of times! – It’s a good one to ask yourself.)

If you end up sleeping together - then remember to behave


Best wishes!

F

AND:
Remember I am not a vet!
Get that signature on your profile

[ForeverYoung]

Because of a particular incident, I originally left our M bed, but also told W that I planned to earn my way back. Then, after almost 2 months of being the best H I could be, I announced one night that I was returning to "our" bed.

Wife said fine, then I'll take the quest bed. Not what I wanted of course, but I'm back in the M bed. That was over a year ago! We're still separate, but I hopeful for her return.

Another thing I like to do is continue to call it "our" bed/bedroom. Not mine or yours. I makes a difference, I think.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks for the wise words guys much appreciated, I like the way you still call it 'our' room, no doubt keeps it in perspective. Had a good couple of days been backing off well, tonight I sat outside reading my book in the sun, she kept coming out to chat and mentioned she would like to talk about 'us' over the weekend to which I replied no problem.....
Stomach is in knots as I don't no whether its good or bad and I don't want to think it through one way or the other. Part of me doesn't want the chat whether good or bad but I think it's because I am scared
Oh well at least it will be sorted one way or another soon enough which is good, not much sleep tonight I think!!!!

[Hadlee58]

Hi Folks, A quick update:
I had a great weekend, out with the guys on Friday night, a day with the kids on Saturday and then a family day (all four of us) yesterday. The day went really well and i could see she enjoyed it, we laughed (something we havent done in a long time) and i even think she was flirting with me at some stages.
She asked me last night to sit with her to discuss 'us' and i tried my best to let her do all the talking (difficult to do!!) and it was very positive, she thinks that 2 weeks ago she thought there wasnt a cat in hells chance of us ever being together again however now she is swinging more to the want to try camp. She has said she has started to see some of the positives and even suggested she might have been depressed (not sure what to read into this..). She ended by saying that like me she is also tired of all that has gone on and thinks she wants to strive for a new us. I validated her comments as best as i could.
I cant help thinking that the work i have done in the last two weeks has helped alot, it started with me growing some balls and moving back home and then trying to get on with my life - for that alone i cant thank enough everyones stories i have read and everyone who has helped me with words of wisdon and advice.

I am by no means out of the woods yet and there is a lot of healing to be done, but one thing we both struggled with last night was how we move on from here, this has gone on for 4 months and in that time she has told me she doenst love me anymore etc some quite big bridges to rebuild. We both agreed that pretending all is fine tomorrow and like nothing happened doesnt seem like a good idea and that also a more drawn out 'getting to know you again' period doesnt seem like a good idea either.
Does anyone have any advice on how to play this or experiences?

Once agian thanks for all your help G.

[Fartiltre]

Hi H

This sounds great!
I have no advice for you on this one but hopefully a VET will come by soon.

Keep on the good work!!!

F

[AnotherStander]

We both agreed that pretending all is fine tomorrow and like nothing happened doesnt seem like a good idea and that also a more drawn out 'getting to know you again' period doesnt seem like a good idea either.
Does anyone have any advice on how to play this or experiences?

It seems a little premature, I have my doubts that your W is really on board with reconciling. But you might look into Retrouvaille, if she really is ready then you'll find RetroV to be a transformative experience. Also check into finding a good solutions-based MC.

[Hadlee58]

Well thought i would write a quick update:
Things have gone really well over the last week, we are planning a sit down this week to go over our annoyances and clear the air regarding them (both of ours).
Things seem to be moving forward but i find it hard not to be impatient, we booked a holiday for all four of us later this month which i think we all need and we have planned a night out together next weekend to let our hair down and have some fun together alone. Up until now we have had fun but it has been as a family something which i think the kids have really needed.
I am still trying working on myself and make a life for myself that doesnt always include my Wife but i have to admit i am struggling to not want to push things along at a faster pace!!
I am still sleeping down stairs but we are both showing some affection to one another (only in very small doses). I really want to kiss her on the cheek when i get home from work but worry that thats too pushy but also am mindful that thats what i should be doing!!! Its so hard to decide whats right and whats wrong to do.
We had a small misunderstanding at the weekend when booking the holiday i thought i would play it cool and not appear that i was pushing it through (its her idea although i am so happy about this). It appears we were both waiting on each other to make the first move.....
So big picture is i am so happy to be in the position i am in but still have worries about how soon we should wait for things to come back to a 'normal way'.

Thanks guys for all your feedback it really is much appreciated!!

G

[Hadlee58]

Update 11/07/2013.
Just a quick update, my wife and i have been getting on really well this last week, we went out on a night out together on saturday which was great fun and on monday we sat down to discuss our annoyances with each other. This went really well and i kept quiet when she talked and validated well, her major annoyances were only two:
Smothering her and not giving her space (sometimes when she needs things from the shops i always jump in and offer to go for her - reality is she is saying help me with the kids i need a break too!!).
She also has felt that i havent understood her role of being a working mum and maybe took things for granted.
Both things i agreed on and she could see that i am already working well on both.
Mine were:
Feeling like i wasnt her equal, in someways like i was another child in the house and needed her approval on things.
Her feeling proud of me as her husband.
She also agreed with both and promised to work on them. All in all a great discussion i was worried it might turn into a row but it never got like that which is a bonus.

One thing we havent discussed and is troubling me is how we move forward from here to get things back to normal, we still havent had any intimacy (something i am so craving right now) other than a kiss on the check before and after work and when she goes up to bed and we end text messages with 'xx' although this can be occassional from her- i had hoped for something on saturday night but alas it wasnt to be and i didnt push it. She kind of mentioned a couple of weeks ago that maybe we should try dating again which is why i planned saturday night out for us but it doesnt seem like she has thought of anything or is offering to reciprocate. On tuesday night she was going to the gym with her girlfriend who suggested they go for wine instead she laughed this off but siad to me if she had said any other night she would have loved it - this really hurt me as i would have thought if we were really both trying to move this on she would have wanted to go with me?
Should i raise how we move forward or just see how things pan out over the next few weeks (pressure-dont pressure). I worry that giving her kisses (albeit on the cheek) and ending texts with 'xx' may be pressurising her when maybe she doesnt feel ready for this.
I guess after our initial discussions on moving on and trying to get things back on track properly i am feeling a little deflated that things are just 'hung' and we are in some kind of no mans land, i guess we are still early days and maybe my expectations are too much but after an initial flourish it has left me feeling quite down (although i am careful not to show it!!).

One other thing that is difficult is my mother has struggled to reconnect with my wife (quite blatently) which my wife has mentioned although said its her loss, i have spoken to my mother (shes just protective of her wee boy :)) and she has promised to work on it, difficult and something i could do without!!

Thanks in advance for amy support xx