How do I address my main pressing issue. That she completely withdrew over a comment I made, did not bring up comment to me until several weeks after it was made (and trip to bahamas) and hasn't spoke to me for 2 months about the issue.[b] Don't you find that behavior odd. [/b] No one here thinks it's normal or healthy. It IS odd.
And I for one do not believe she withdrew "because" of a comment you made. She was FEELING however she was feeling and she chose a passive aggressive comment you made weeks earlier, and for which she already publicly snapped at you, as a ruse.
That way it "explains it all" but i would not give it any validity by pretending it's the real reason.
I do understand detaching completely. But I feel to make progress a communication channel needs to be opened
PON
You do NOT "understand detaching completely". No offense but I mean, you have not done it.
YES I get how hard it can be, but to say you "understand it" and then ask if you can compliment a well made meal, (an earlier post of yours this week)
is just one example of your inability to detach and not knowing what is a normal upbeat thing to say, versus pursuit versus detachment.
Bottom line is, if you could detach with her under the same roof, you would not be here with this issue and desire to converse about her silence, again.
Right? Saying "to make progress, some communication channels need to be open" is not a revelation to any of us.
We know that^^ is true. But you're being stonewalled. So now what?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I put what I was going to say in this thread. That I wanted To start working toward a healthy marriage . That I understand we both didn't have the greatest role models for resolving problems but I would like to start communicating and resolving our issues . Start with a calm conversation where we truly listen to each other
PON you had this conversation in April, the one in which you said you were "feeling disconnected" and wanted to "communicate/talk" about it.
She then said, "not interested in working on the M", "only in it for the kids" and "no one is forcing YOU to stay"... so what is different now?
I assumed it was that YOU are different now. That YOU don't want to live like this anymore b/c it's driving you nuts.
You shop for answers here (not offended by that, but am making an observation...)
What is it you think one of us knows? The secret is that IF there is a secret, then it's true detachment and moving on and MAYBE then your w would notice but maybe then you won't care...
But who knows? And for how long?
And as you said elsewhere, is THIS WOMAN a woman you want to spend your life with?
You said she's like this, in GOOD TIMES, half the month b/c of "hormonal issues'. These are all diagnosed by you b/c she refuses to seek treatment for it so basically she gave herself a blank check on behavior for half the month and you let her...
So she'd have been like that, forever, BEFORE this silent crap of FOUR years began...
is this an accurate re-cap?
I know I'm leaving out how passionate you two have been and how fun she CAN be, or once was, etc.
but to sum up, at her best, she is "warm and loving" to you, what, half the time? And blames her moods either on something YOU did, or all of it is her "cycle" which amounts to her pre menses time, her actual menses, Oh AND her ovulation, etc.? So that's half the rest of her life til she's 55 or 60 and goes into menopause but there will be "pre menopause", then peri-menopause, then actual menopause and then post-menopause...
Wow, can't wait for all that UNtreated stuff to be around.
And she's okay being like this. And so were you..But in short, at best, you'll get mistreated half of your life.
Yes this part is ACOA, where you hang onto an inappropriately bad R for too long.
In childhood, It's us trying to get our alcoholic parent to stop drinking IF WE can "just get straight A's this time" or say the right sentence to stop the escalation or "make the team", or whatever...
it's callled "loyal to a fault" and when you mix it up with your co-dep and anxiety disorder, you have a really strange toxic mix.
I'm NOT saying you like it, but there is something about this that keeps you from doing what seems obvious.
PREMISE A: YOU cannot tolerate the marriage as it is. (You have stated this outright.)
Variable#1: You change premise A - and learn to tolerate it (detach way more and indefinitely)
or
Variable #2: You change the marriage. (You cannot change it enough, alone.)
Therefore HER involvement will be required. But she has thus far refused that.
PON, this^^^ is what we KNOW.
The MLC and the "way to reach" her and "how to" do x, y or z, are all guesses and suggestions.
But we KNOW that she has thus far refused to communicate or show affection to you for 2 months,
and this has happened for months on end, in the past. That is what we know.
You are looking for a less painful solution, I realize, but there are no painless ones here.
You can
1) stay and be miserable, which you claim is unhealthy and untenable, which we all understand.
OR 2) you can divorce and suffer SOME now, but eventually be happier,
or 3) you can hope that something magical happens,
or 4) you can somehow do that which you have not yet been able to do, which is to
--stay in the home with the kids and enjoy them, and NOT care what your wife does.
I am not suggesting the latter, but it is an option.
But CHOOSE ONE and stick to it for some amount of time.
I don't mean to sound overly harsh. I'm trying to simplify this b/c in some ways it IS simple.
I don't know your w or why she is the way she is. I only know you. And you are beating your head against the wall, mostly in ways you have tried before. She is not meeting any of your needs and appears disinterested in changing that.
So do something different, for real, and for more than two weeks.
Or end this nightmare. Seriously, Just reading your posts makes ME feel an ulcer growing.
That's gotta say something.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
^^^^^^ what she said. 25 yrs is a very sensible woman
Make a choice and live with it. This is about sorting yourself out. Your wife has her own issues. I am not sure that the current situation can be remotely healthy for your family.
No conversation happened. I fell asleep putting daughter to bed . When I woke up it was 10 pm and I was groggy
Everything 25 has written has been told to me in person. Good to have it written out.
25 did you see all the valuable advice from T about communication . Maybe just maybe when I try talking to W I don't stfu enough. When I say EE didn't focus on communication I was stating the things T suggested . Under the gun With W I choke alot
Gabby if you must know. I am choosing an option. I am choosing to continue to work on myself and then make a decision. Listen I have a lot at stake here. This is my life, my kids, I have 2 homes, business assets. Major life decision.
So let PON be honest. I HAVEN'T DONE MY WORK. Sure I went to EE and few ACOA meetings. Is that doing my work? No. Tomorrow morning I start to really really do my work. I meet at 6 am at his house to start step 1. I meet with a guy who was in my situation 20 years ago. He was a drunk and had 1 finger on the trigger in the gun in his mouth. He is happy now. I am not stating my W isn't broken. She is.
To me if I can truly TRULY start doing my work. Which tomorrow is a huge step. If I can fix myself I think after the process I will be in a better position to make a major life decision. Am I bummed it took me a 1 1/2 years to start this work. Yes, but I am excited to start the process no matter what happens in my M. I am still majorly broke. PERIOD.
As far as T posts go. I read his posts as mine. From what I read his W wasn't exactly open to talks. She SPEWED and he used the above tricks to not get baited and to just STFU and let her get it out. Most of the time when I talk to W I let myself get baited and didn't STFU enuff or walk away when she being crewl.
Gabby my sitch is quite different from yours. I value your input but this is complicated. As 25 always says to me there is NO easy decision.
Ive started to bring my fear down and it helps. As I continue to do my work that fear will continue to lower and I will be in a healthier spot to make a clear headed decision. Not an emotional one like I let myself get like yesterday or last week wanting a D.
