Portia, you don’t know what is going on in your SO’s mind. He might not be interested in you right now. It doesn’t mean that he erased all the history. He might be trying, and this why he doesn’t show any interest. I agree with you that there is nothing you can do about “us” right now and you need to take care of yourself. In case you are interested in what the book says about the texting, here are some excerpts. This is about the first texts after the period of no contact.
“Keep it light and don’t do anything that requires your ex to do emotional or intellectual work. Make it ultra-easy for them to want to respond positively.”
“You must, must, must keep your first texts positive. Don’t try to pick at old scabs, get an apology from your ex, or apologize for something you did. This is about directing the energy your ex has pointed at you in a positive direction. If your ex wants to go negative, end the conversation and wait another week or even another 30 days.”
And some more:
- Be positive. Do NOT bring up the negatives that caused your relationship to end. Talk about something fun, not too heavy, not controversial, and avoid anything that could upset your ex.
- Be cool. You absolutely cannot come across as desperately trying to reignite the flames of your relationship (even if that’s exactly what you’re actually doing).
- Be confident. Don’t be needy. Speak with confidence. Don’t say anything about needing or wanting them back.
- Expect nothing. If you don’t get a response at first, don’t worry about it. Simply let it go, take a deep breath, and resolve to come back and try again later. If the fish aren’t biting one day, it doesn’t mean they won’t bite again in the future.
- Validate, validate, validate. Whatever your ex is feeling, accept it. Don’t try to block it and definitely don’t hit back. Simply redirect with positive energy, or let the punch fly by you. Validate your ex’s emotions. This goes for yourself, too. Whatever you’re feeling is the “right” thing to feel. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t let your feelings short-circuit your brain. The power of texting is the ability to control the content and timing of the conversation. Use that power to your advantage.
And here are some examples of actual text: 1. The random memory: “I just happened to drive by (place) and it reminded me of the time we (did something at that place).” “I can’t believe (your favorite song as a couple) just came on the radio! Reminds me of the time we (song-inspired memory).” “Me and a couple friends went to (place you and your ex used to go) and (did activity). That place sure holds some amazing memories! Like the time we (specific memory).” 2. The random compliment: “I was trying to fix (think you were trying to fix) today and it reminded me of you because you can fix anything.” “Just caught myself thinking about you. I’m really glad you were in my life. Hope you’re doing great. =-)”
You have to evaluate these from a DB prospective though.
Your texts were pretty much along this advice. Good job! When you are ready to text again, you can use this advice, if you want to.
Here is another advice: “REMEMBER: do NOT be needy in your first texts. Needy people are unattractive. Your ex needs to sense that you are in a happy, confident, positive, jovial mood and know exactly why you are feeling that way. If you’re not feeling that way, you might need to wait a bit longer before starting to text.”
Hope it helps a little. Thinking of you, Portia.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks for sharing those tips from the texting your ex book Bright. They are good advice in general, not onlly texting! How long do they recommend for the first no contact period? I especially like "let the punch fly by you" and "If the fish aren’t biting one day, it doesn’t mean they won’t bite again in the future."
Portia, I agree with Bright -- you followed these guidelines perfectly! You'll know if and when the time is right for you to try again. Have a wonderful weekend!
Yes, my weekend was good. And always too short. I am glad you liked my mantra. It always makes me smile a bit because it doesn't rhyme or roll off the tongue well, like a mantra should. But that is sooo me.
Feeling abit out of sorts today and can't put my finger on why. I have not felt this way in a long time. I can't even truly put my finger on how I feel. I am hoping journalling here will help as it often does.
But the words do not seem to want to come.
I accept that he has sailed away from me and seems to have no intention of ever coming back. We know nothing of each other's lives anymore. Why then, do I still hurt? Why am I still thinking of him? I had a nightmare that he came to visit me and brought the GF and her kids. She tried to kill me but I got her subdued first and thrown in jail. Wouldn't even want to know what a therapist might think of that!
Isn't acceptance supposed to bring peace?
I just erased my last paragraph. Too much a pity party even for me. Here's to hoping for a better later and an even better tomorrow, for all of us.
Portia, I also had a weird dream last night. I saw that Mexican girl my H was trying to fancy. She was trying to sort of make some amends with me, in a very strange way.
Keep processing your feelings. I also have some days when I cannot understand what is going on with me.
Linda, to answer your question about the book I was referring to. They recommend at least 30 days of NC before the first text. And, if the response is neutral, to wait a few days before sending another (similar) text.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I accept that he has sailed away from me and seems to have no intention of ever coming back. We know nothing of each other's lives anymore. Why then, do I still hurt? Why am I still thinking of him?
Quote:
Isn't acceptance supposed to bring peace?
Oh Portia, I am right here with you. Having a day like this today myself.
Not sure what to say but to work and feel through those emotions....hopefully it does lead you to a place of peace.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Just stopped by to hold your hand a bit.. Just like you when the DBing gets too much for me i slip and show my H i do care a lot .. IMHO i do think you did very well and hang in there ..all of us here are hoping for the best..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Portia, How are you doing? Do you have any plans for the summer?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
