Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching II

[25yearsmlc]

I put what I was going to say in this thread.
That I wanted To start working toward a healthy marriage . That I understand we both didn't have the greatest role models for resolving problems but I would like to start communicating and resolving our issues . Start with a calm conversation where we truly listen to each other

PON you had this conversation in April, the one in which you said you were "feeling disconnected" and wanted to "communicate/talk" about it.

She then said, "not interested in working on the M", "only in it for the kids" and "no one is forcing YOU to stay"...

so what is different now?

I assumed it was that YOU are different now. That YOU don't want to live like this anymore b/c it's driving you nuts.

You shop for answers here (not offended by that, but am making an observation...)

What is it you think one of us knows? The secret is that IF there is a secret, then it's true detachment and moving on and MAYBE then your w would notice but maybe then you won't care...

But who knows? And for how long?

And as you said elsewhere, is THIS WOMAN a woman you want to spend your life with?

You said she's like this, in GOOD TIMES, half the month b/c of "hormonal issues'. These are all diagnosed by you b/c she refuses to seek treatment for it so basically she gave herself a blank check on behavior for half the month and you let her...

So she'd have been like that, forever, BEFORE this silent crap of FOUR years began...

is this an accurate re-cap?

I know I'm leaving out how passionate you two have been and how fun she CAN be, or once was, etc.

but to sum up, at her best, she is "warm and loving" to you, what, half the time? And blames her moods either on something YOU did, or all of it is her "cycle" which amounts to her pre menses time, her actual menses, Oh AND her ovulation, etc.? So that's half the rest of her life til she's 55 or 60 and goes into menopause but there will be "pre menopause", then peri-menopause, then actual menopause and then post-menopause...

Wow, can't wait for all that UNtreated stuff to be around.

And she's okay being like this. And so were you..But in short, at best, you'll get mistreated half of your life.

Yes this part is ACOA, where you hang onto an inappropriately bad R for too long.

In childhood, It's us trying to get our alcoholic parent to stop drinking IF WE can "just get straight A's this time" or say the right sentence to stop the escalation or "make the team", or whatever...

it's callled "loyal to a fault" and when you mix it up with your co-dep and anxiety disorder, you have a really strange toxic mix.

I'm NOT saying you like it, but there is something about this that keeps you from doing what seems obvious.


PREMISE A: YOU cannot tolerate the marriage as it is. (You have stated this outright.)

Variable#1: You change premise A - and learn to tolerate it (detach way more and indefinitely)

or

Variable #2: You change the marriage. (You cannot change it enough, alone.)

Therefore HER involvement will be required. But she has thus far refused that.



PON, this^^^ is what we KNOW.

The MLC and the "way to reach" her and "how to" do x, y or z, are all guesses and suggestions.

But we KNOW that she has thus far refused to communicate or show affection to you for 2 months,

and this has happened for months on end, in the past.

That is what we know.

You are looking for a less painful solution, I realize, but there are no painless ones here.

You can

1) stay and be miserable, which you claim is unhealthy and untenable, which we all understand.

OR 2) you can divorce and suffer SOME now, but eventually be happier,

or 3) you can hope that something magical happens,

or 4) you can somehow do that which you have not yet been able to do, which is to

--stay in the home with the kids and enjoy them, and NOT care what your wife does.

I am not suggesting the latter, but it is an option.

But CHOOSE ONE and stick to it for some amount of time.

I don't mean to sound overly harsh. I'm trying to simplify this b/c in some ways it IS simple.

I don't know your w or why she is the way she is. I only know you. And you are beating your head against the wall, mostly in ways you have tried before. She is not meeting any of your needs and appears disinterested in changing that.

So do something different, for real, and for more than two weeks.

Or end this nightmare. Seriously, Just reading your posts makes ME feel an ulcer growing.

That's gotta say something.


((( )))