TVS..for what its worth..I believe that the small acts of physical touch are a good move in the right direction for you. I have thought about your situation a lot, and I do very much admire your strength of character and your steely resolve to dismiss the actions of your H.
I love this board, but the advice differs slightly from the advice of the DB coach, in my limited experience, in that area. My coach advised a small touch here and there, make the most of non sexual flirting, make eye contact which is regarded as a huge aphrodesiac and ask the H occasionaly to join you in a non-threatening activity. I have read others posts and the same advice is given. Of course, it may depend on the individual's circumstances.
I have the belief that your H may think you are completely fine with this arrangement. The TT is in a relationship that she obviously has no intention on leaving either, they could continue down this path for a long time because it is convenient for both of them. No-one questions anything, they have the best of both worlds and they get their kicks from one another, as well as having a family life that, to the outside world, is the envy of many. My opinion, as I said for what its worth, is that you may need to move more towards your H and let him know that you are still attracted to him and your intention is to re-connect. Of course, if he re-coils you take a step back and re-assess.
Playing stand-offs all the time is seeming like a cheeseless tunnel to me. You deserve happiness and only desire the best for you, I worry about you. I would be interested in your thoughts on this as my advice differs a lot from others here and also yours.
GAL is not the only one here who thinks like this. I completely agree with the two sections above that I bolded. I believe we should always be attempting to connect, at whatever level our spouse will accept at the time... unless we are done.
It sounds to me like your H is accepting of your attempts at connection, TVS. I'd step it up a bit, and monitor results. Like GAL pointed out, we can always back pedal.
Would you agree that H is content with the new normal, and not going anywhere anytime soon? If so, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit.
You actually have more power here than you know. You're the incumbent!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you Raine, rH, UW, and FY for stopping by! I read all of your posts first thing this morning, but wanted to wait to update till I had some time this evening.
Last night was quite a night...
H left the house yesterday morning a little after 5:00 am. Heard nothing from him till he came home a little before 9:30 pm. There is one phrase to describe my H last night -
Drunk. Off. His. Ass.
I'm in the shower when I hear the garage door go up. I finish my shower and get dressed. Dried my hair. Still no H...
I go to bed and start reading a bit. Didn't hear any noises, so I begin to wonder if I imagined hearing the garage door.
He finally makes his way upstairs. Literally sways into the bedroom. He cannot even walk straight. He says hello, asks how I am, how my evening was. Then he says - I know you will all enjoy this - "You can probably tell I've had a few beers."
Ummm, yeah. Just a tad bit obvious.
He struggles to take his shorts off without falling over. Had a deep look of concentration when putting his pj pants on. I almost thought he wasn't going to make it.
So we chatted - I asked him how breakfast was. I threw out a comment about how I was surprised with him never sleeping that he wouldn't want to take the opportunity to sleep in while the house was totally quiet.
He gave me some song and dance about how he didn't care about getting up early if he was out at the golf course.
Ummm... All day and night??? Lol!
Long story short, he asked me to scratch his back and put lotion on him. He stayed and bed and fell asleep (or maybe it's more like passed out).
Now this is interesting... 1. There was no texting from the moment he got home till the morning. I did not here his phone get any texts. I believe he was with her during the day, golf in the evening. 2. He wakes up in the middle of the night with an itching fit. Now, he hasn't gone to bed with me since bomb. When he does come up to bed, it's in the middle of the night.
He was going crazy clawing at himself. Twisting his hands and fingers. Scratching incessantly at his feet.
He told me how this happens every night - that he hates it - that he knows its a part of his life that he has to deal with.
I helped him scratch and put on more lotion. He eventually fell back asleep.
So I couldn't help but think... Is OW ready to deal with this on vacation? The woman who cheated on her H while he had cancer? The woman that was "annoyed" after her H had knee surgery because he sat in a chair instead of helping her clean their living room?
Oh yeah. She's a REAL sweetheart.
Anyway...
H tired and not feeling well today (big surprise!). He said nothing about last night. Very itchy again today with his stomach bothering him. Fair amount of texting tonight, a bit distant though not unfriendly.
But nothing could stop moi from having a relaxing time at the spa! The facial and massage were just what the doctor ordered. Plus, I treated myself to a kid free meal afterwards. It was nice. Brought my book (reading "The Affair" that Raine and Snodderly said was good) and ate my food in peace and quiet
Going to bed now, I didn't get much sleep either last night.
Good night everyone
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Oh boy, T, his body is freakin out from the stress of the lying and cheating I think.
Should be getting real interesting. And um, yea, if cancer and knee surgery got no sympathy from her - wonder how she is going to feel about the constant scratching.
Fun times at the beach - NOT! LOL!
I think this is dying a sllloooooowwwwww death, T.
TVS, you are fabulous! That was some 16 hour goIf outing, but you handled the whole thing perfectly. No coldness or accusations, just accepance of where your H is right now. And I'm so glad you had a nice facial and massage, so relaxing!
Is the itching due to you H's autoimmune disease? Maybe, like my mom used to say when my face broke out, it's the "badness coming out" LOL! I agree that ther's not much chance Twinkle will even touch his back, let alone put lotion on it, during his spells. Sand and salt water should be great for it too! Such a sympathetic woman he chose -- this trip should REALLY open his eyes and help him see what a gem he has in you.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
TV, You are a saint! You handled the situation beautifully. His guilt really is eating at him. LOL! I don't think Twinkle Twat is going to enjoy herself if he's scratching all night. I agree w/uR. Hope the plug is pulled pretty soon.
I'm glad you had a night to enjoy and pamper yourself.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
UW ~ I think his body is freaking out too. I was shocked that he woke up in the middle of the night after having so much to drink. He is usually down for the count till morning.
You know, I'm sure it's easy for OW to be "understanding" and " sympathetic" with H about his health issues when you don't live with him and they impact your life. Every single day.
I think when they first got into a R, it was easy for him to forget his health problems. Maybe they even "went away" when they were together.
But that scenario can't last forever. Reality has slowly been creeping in...
I know this isn't true, but I feel like it is dying the slowest death in A history.
Pull the plug already!!!!!
Linda~ the itchiness is from his auto immune disease and super dry skin. I think MLC has amplified all his health issues.
When I went for my facial the other day, I asked the lady if there was anything that could help my H's excessively dry skin. At this point, the palms of his hands look like they have been attacked by a cheese grater, and his fingers (especially his joints) are swollen, dry, and sore.
She said that no topical treatment would help, he had to drink lots of water, decrease salt intake, eat foods high in water.
I wanted to add stop having an A with my fat ex- friend to the list, but I refrained lol!
Snodderly ~ I see him continue to spin down and down...
I think it was you that said you didn't think we heard the last from my MIL about his trip. You were right - as always lol!
She calls tonight as I'm giving S3 his bath. I could hear part of the conversation:
H- "I didn't know (sister's name) was coming in then when I scheduled my trip. Tell (niece's name) I'll miss seeing her too. Yeah, I'm going with the guys from golf league. From what I hear, the courses are nice there."
Now the funny thing is, he usually tells me when his mom calls and what she wanted. Not a peep about this phone call though!
It will be interesting to see if his sister says anything to me. We are close in age, in the same profession, both moms, have similar senses of humor. I enjoy her a lot.
She has always been one to get on H because he doesn't like to travel and never comes to visit her. I think a five day beach golf trip may seem a bit fishy to her. Oh well. His problem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good day today, at least for me. H said he didn't fall asleep till 3:00 am. He was tired and not feeling well all day.
Before yoga this evening, I did some yard work. It was a beautiful day here, not a cloud in the sky.
When we first moved in, I planted daisies. Now, they are huge and out of control! I love them though, they look very nice.
So for the first time ever, I cut myself a bouquet and put them on the kitchen table. They may me smile when I look at them. I don't know why I never thought of this before.
Seems like there are a lot of things in life I never thought of before.
One last thing...
At yoga tonight, I ran into a female co-worker of H's. She and H used to be friends. But - surprise, surprise!- OW doesn't like her, so H dropped her like a hot potato!
I talked to her for a bit - about yoga, work, her kids.
When I got home, I told H that I saw her. I wish you could have seen the look on his face. This is what he says to me - "So, what did you guys talk about?"
What??????
Hmmmm... I think that look on his face may have been worry. Very interesting.
Well, tomorrow we are taking the kids to a theme park about an hour away. We figured if we went during the week, it would be less crowded. Hope H can get some sleep tonight!
Wish us luck
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
H poured each of us an unusually large glass of wine tonight (see my thread for details)....so I'm on a roll! Lol!
I love the updates and specifics you share. But poor H. That skin condition sounds unbearable! I feel so bad for him. And you...having such interrupted sleep. Not to mention having the little ones ....
Out of control daisies? My favorite! I've been known to stop many times on country road to snap pics of all kinds of flowers.
Daisies are so happy...like they're always smiling! Like you, no doubt!
Wonder what dark secrets H has to hide regarding this coworker....it may make him even more itchy tonight to consider it.
When is the beach trip planned?
Theme park sounds fun.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
How was your trip to the theme park? I bet the boys had a ball! Was your H sleepy and cranky?
I agree TVS, that it's not hard for Twinkle to pretend to be "understanding" and "sympathetic" about your H's health problems from a distance, on a part time basis, but I am certain she won't be able to carry it off up close and personal for five days. At the beach of all places. What IS he thinking? Oh wait, he's not!! You know, stress can cause autoimmune disease flares. And what could be more stressful than living a lie?
Their A IS malingering, but don't worry, this beach trip is sure to speed up it's demise. .
Do you think your MIL and SIL are (or will be) suspicious about the true nature of the beach trip? I know my MIL was furious when my H went to pick up his friend at the airport and "disappeared" for two weeks Does Twinkle golf?
Enjoy your daisies!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
You would love my daisies. They continue to brighten up our home.
And yes, H's skin condition would be unbearable. But I'm pretty sure dermatologists don't recommend A's as a treatment!
My guess with the co-worker is that she suspects something is going on with H and (I'm stealing this from Raine ) frumpy twat. Not that I think this co-worker would say anything to me... But I'm sure she wonders just what the hell is going on.
Linda ~ no doubt that living a lie each and every day causes stress. Now that the newness and excitement has worn off, I think it is more work than he had planned.
Well, R are work. Reality check!
As far as I know, frumpy twat doesn't golf. But it also wouldn't surprise me if she did it to please him. Pathetic!
Have no idea what MIL or SIL really think. Will be able to get a better read on things once SIL comes in. If I had to guess, she will make a comment to H about it. It will be interesting to see how that goes!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, he leaves a week from yesterday. Trying to put it out of my mind. These next two weeks are going to be tough.
Yesterday was actually terrific
I was a little worried because H didn't sleep well again the night before, even with his sleeping pill. He said he didn't get to bed till 3:00 am.
Was tired and groggy in the morning. A little impatient with the kids.
Once we got going though, everything was fine. I have to say, H seemed genuinely happy to be with the kids. Lots of smiling and laughing and joking around with them.
Still not sure how he felt about spending the day with me.
I had on my T^2 lab coat and goggles (safety first!) to try to step back and just observe. Here are a few observations:
~ It seemed like there was a lot "incidental" contact. Touching while standing in line for rides. Sitting next to each other at a picnic table during dinner (which meant some touching!). He even grazed my boob with his arm while tickling S5's face as we were standing in line for a ride - and believe me folks, they're not that big - that could have totally been avoided lol!
~ very little texts during a six hour time frame. I didn't think it was possible! I did see him take a few pics on his phone and text them - to who, I don't know.
~ he seemed confused at times, didn't want to make decisions. I had a BOGO coupon for admission into the park, and S3 was free. He kept asking me what to tell the person when we pulled up to pay. And he kept wanting me to lead where we went in the park (definitely 180 from old H).
~ even though he was obviously very tired, I was pleasantly surprised at his pleasantness and patience during the whole day.
~ has been texting a lot since yesterday evening.
It was really a great day. The boys had a blast, and so did I. No matter what, it will always be a happy family memory.
But I felt sad last night and today. Seeing my H be loving to the boys is so endearing to me. I don't know how I could never have these feelings of love and affection for him.
And it made me miss him. A lot.
The thought of our family breaking up is still so devastating to me. When I try to think of the reality of things that could happen, I just can't get past that.
But the thought of living the rest of my days this way, in limbo, is crushing too.
I think next two months are going to be interesting. There's H's "trip", our family vacation (still have to finalize), my spa retreat, and my big 4-0 at the end of August.
I think a lot can happen in two months.
Exactly what? It's anybody's guess
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
