Crimson.....Holy smokes, I'm piecing,

[LBH_LC]

Just want you to know I understand how you feel and I feel for you. Wanting to save something so bad while our S's are not ready or have no interest (mine) isn't fun. Doing it a second time makes my stomach turn. Waiting in limbo and looking over our shoulders isn't fun either though. Take back the strong Crimson that was posting a little while ago.

Just popping in to say ditto to this. We know how you feel. You are stronger than you think. Our thoughts are with you.

[Crimson]

Thanks, everyone. The general consensus seems to be just about the same. And I agree with it - somehow I just need to back away and go find myself again.

Last night I was hit with a temporary wave of confidence that kept telling me that it really is her loss on this one if she can't find her way back. I'm certainly not perfect - but I truly love her and my son with everything I have. If she is unable to see or appreciate that now I certainly can't change it. I wish I had the bravado to say "I hope she finds what it is she is looking for", but I don't right now.....I am somewhat embarrassed to say that I want what she is looking for to be me.....still.

I had to drop S off at her place this morning on the way to work. I won't have him for awhile. She was sooooo nice. She asked about the first day at my new job yesterday, asked me about the people, if I liked it. She even asked if I had any coffee and when I said I didn't she offered me some in a to-go cup. I declined, but she poured me some anyway. That was part of our morning ritual when she was back at the house. I wasn't working (long story) and I would get up in the morning , get S ready, make her coffee for the road (even put it in her car) and make sure she got out on time and "de-stressed" about being late or anything. She always said living on her own with S was stressful in the mornings so I tried to make it easier since I was home in the AM. It was part of my attempt to view my relationship as "a place I go to give" - it worked for me. It was new.

Anyhow, I just felt her pushing a cup of coffee on me this morning and being so friendly and inquisitive was weird.

Thanks for helping prop me up, folks. I appreciate it. Please keep the insight and support coming. I really need it.

Crimson

[PatientMan]

Don't let her - or anyone - change who you want to be. Be honorable, respectful, loving, patient, kind, gentle, fully in control of yourself.

That's who you want to be regardless of how this turns out, so just step back and be that man.

-PM

[Crimson]

Thanks, PM. I appreciate your support and encouragement. Moreover, I am grateful for everyone that had dropped by these last few days. Thank you.

I've reread some of the posts and I keep going back to the pursuer/distancer dynamic. Does anyone think that is what is/has been at work here? At least partly? In retrospect, I don't think that there have been many opportunities where she has had to take a step towards me because even though it has been at varying levels of intensity, I have always been "around" in one capacity or another. When she is sick, I am there. When she needs to talk a out work, I am there. When she needs someone to take S because she is stressed - I am there. And so on.

To be 100% honest, and I have probably said this before in previous posts, I am very fearful that if I am not "there" or available, or if she sees me as disinterested then she will be gone for good. That she will view me as "checked out" and never wanting to return. THEN I think the parade of OMs will begin and I will be forgotten about and easily replaced.

It is very, very, very painful for me to admit that I am ^^^^^^ THAT weak and insecure when it comes to pulling back and detaching. I am embarrassed to say that I have so little confidence that if given a choice that she would pick me....our family - even though a family is something that we both desperately want. It's her "dream", as she puts it.

When we were going through the infertility process (four failed procedures, one successful) she was so committed, so passionate about having a child...a family.....I remember her saying "I want a family with you!!" during some arguments or low times. We slogged through the process of 3 years....even explored adoption for awhile - all because she was so driven to have a family. Then, once we have a child he turns 17 months and she wants out. Almost as if the notion of family lost meaning. How can you work that hard for 3 years just to give up in 17 months? Was it all a lie? Did she only want a baby? Was I just a means to an end? Was love for me ever in the picture? If so, how did it vanish?

She was very enthusiastic to explore using our last frozen embryo this time around. Let me say that again - VERY enthusiastic. During discussions over the last few months she emphasized that she is turning 40 and has a limited window to go back to the well for another child - something we both want. When I expressed my concerns sometimes she just got frustrated. I told her that I was afraid that she would leave again, that I would have TWO children that I would miss, that I would be a part time dad and a child support payment to another baby that I don't see. She seemed to understand, but stopped well short if saying she wouldn't leave again - even though I told her point blank that that was a reassurance that I needed. I guess the bottom line is that she was willing to commit to a second child without committing to the relationship.

I'm really sorry be over-posting these last few days. It just helps me to get things out and get advice and help.

Crimson

[Spartan]

First off - never apologize for over posting. Better to get this stuff out here...and it gives me something meaningful to do at work

It probably is a little bit of the normal distance/ pursuit dynamic, especially since she's never felt like she lost you. I think that's why we're telling you to try and detach and concentrate on you. Make her miss you, the only way these things work out for the long haul is if the WAS truly misses the LBS and feels they have to work to get them back (or at least that's what I've been told).

I am very fearful that if I am not "there" or available, or if she sees me as disinterested then she will be gone for good. That she will view me as "checked out" and never wanting to return. THEN I think the parade of OMs will begin and I will be forgotten about and easily replaced.

Not one to pull punches so here goes a hard truth that I've been learning as well. How has always being there worked out?
I was there for everything, including an illness that almost killed my W and had her laid up for over a year, and I'm now less then 2 weeks from my D being final.

It is very, very, very painful for me to admit that I am ^^^^^^ THAT weak and insecure when it comes to pulling back and detaching. I am embarrassed to say that I have so little confidence...

First off don't be embarrassed about who you are, or were. Instead of being embarrassed try to harness the pain and work on things to get your confidence back. As I said I've been following your sitch for a while and you've stood for what you believe in (your M and your family) and that takes a confidence and an inner strength that most people don't have. I respect the hell out of you for still standing.

With that, what are you going to do to start working on you again? Nothing to do with W, what are YOU doing?

[Crimson]

Thanks, Spartan.

Actually, for the longest time I thought it was working just great in terms of keeping the channels open and creating a well-paved road home. I felt as if we were building on good interactions and, well, me being available and dependable. It got us up to a point, I guess - but it surely did not get her to a place where she would commit to R. So, I guess that's a long way of saying it hasn't worked well at all.....certainly not like I thought it would.

Truthfully, I'm a fearful that she won't miss me at all - or worse yet, feel relieved to be away. Maybe over time she will see some of the positives from the last three months and miss those. At a minimum, we did really well with S and having both of us there took a lot of pressure off. That has to count for something. And she also acknowledged changes. Maybe those will register one day, too.

The hardest part of letting go and detaching 100% is my son. I feel like I would snap at any opportunity to see him or spend time with him at this point. I'm sure I am no different that so many of you here that grieve over the time lost with your kids. I miss him so much I am very susceptible to crossing my boundaries to check on him or ask how he is doing out of the blue. I gotta tell ya, going cold turkey from seeing him every day to a shared custody schedule again is brutal.

Crimson

[labug]

Here's a question-Did you see any changes in her? Real changes?

[Crimson]

I did see some, bug. Clearly not as large-scale as I might have hoped. Notwithstanding, she was for sure more direct and honest. She admitted fault - actually said something to the affect of "I came to you as a broken person and had problems that were not fair for me to expect you to fix". Looking back, she was more honest about her role in things than I recall her being before. I appreciated that.

Furthermore, I felt that we were able to discuss feeling a bit more without it escalating. Clearly she did not share this opinion as she referred to our discussions as "arguments" the other Sunday.

So yes, some change - but I guess just not enough. Well, not enough to get her to consider opening her heart I suppose.

Crimson

[subguy]

Crimson, I do not post much on your thread as I never saw much advice I could give. I have read your threads with interest and have been impressed with the work you put in. You can hold your head high knowing that you worked hard for your marriage. Thank you for being so open about your thoughts and feelings, you have made a difference.

[amy1982]

Crimson,
I feel your pain in not being w/ your son. Fortunately for me, if my H left I can't imagine him wanting much responsibility for the kids (don't get me wrong-I want them 2 be involved W their Dad, but he likes his freedom 2 come & go as he pleases way too much)
Yes, you are stronger than you think! Your anger is normal but don't stay in that state. I have discovered the intensity of my anger is in direct proportion to an underlying fear & feeling of helplessness in a situation. Remember, anger is not power, but a quest for power when feeling helpless.
Believe in yourself. We're here to support you