Its tough; getting tougher

[amy1982]

HELP!!! I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE!!!

[lovethehub]

A1982

Hang in there. Have you read DB and DR? If not, you need to order them right away.

I have to assume you want your M to work and you will need to read these books. You have to figure out your 180's and GAL.

Do not worry too much about what others are saying, my H's friends all told him to leave me, too.

[amy1982]

Yes I have both DB & DR & yes I def want our marriage to work. It is only since my H turned from me that I realized just how toxic our R has been the last few years

[amy1982]

My H just told me again today that he loves me but is not in love...why is it he always seems a little more relaxed after reminding me of that?

[amy1982]

H was home for dinner then left for a nearby town to "kill a few rats". That was the excuse he gave to his employee one time when in reality he had spent 6 hr w GF.
The thing that's killing me is to know how to balance taking responsibility for my failures w/o somehow feeling responsible for the choices he's making now as a result of my failures. And yet he had involvement w/ other women before my affair...I don't know. It gets too mind boggling.I never did lie to H..in fact he knew something was up. I wanted him to be jealous of me..that would have registered to me that he valued me. Well I only found out too late

[SFC_Swede]

Amy

Trust me this line of thinking will only drive you crazy and make you feel worse. As hard as it sounds, you need to detach and start living your life (GAL), and not worry so much about what the H is doing for the time being. Nothing you say or do at this point is going to change your sitch unfortunately. You read the books, and should know that DBing is more about you than the M.

I did everything wrong in the beginning but have been following the advice in DB and on these boards for a couple months. I wish I could give you positive news, but even at this point I feel that D in inevitable. My W is completely detached and uninterested in me. I have learned to half accept it, and half fake my way through it. Does it still hurt? Occasionally yes. But I have gained self confidence, and started doing things that make me happy, even if temporarily.

BTW...I am dealing with my own suspicions, and believe my W is having a PA. All the signs are there. Cell guarding (and most recently a security code), gone for long hours, completely detached (no sex, no emotions), and most recently took down our pictures in the common areas of the house.

I have a couple choices on how to deal with this...and I am doing my best to be positive and at least know I did everything I could to save the M. If it ends in 90 days (our State law), it ends. I lose everything, but I will not lose my self respect.

The reason I tell you all this is so you know you arent alone. Hang in there and get your life together, GAL, and move on "as if". Then after some time decide whether or not your interested in saving the M when your in a more secure place instead of now when its total chaos.

Best of luck to you.

[amy1982]

Thankyou SFC and my sympathy to you. It looks like you have been through more than enough the past few years.
Im just learning to live my life in action mode instead of reaction. And you know..its a lot more powerful! I intend to live my life and make my choices according to who I am at core level & believe I can love despite not being loved, I CAN show respect regardless..its who I am (by Gods grace).
I am one that "needs" to vent sometimes & then I can see my way clearer again.

[amy1982]

Getting ready to go to a friends pace to ride horse w/ daughters. Then I want to listen to a live on-line training session at 8:00. Yeah.. my evening will go by fast!

[~ kd ~]

OK first, sorry you find yourself in a sitch that finds yourself here. It WILL get better, eventually.

Second, your texas lilt is coming through in your posts, so I'm doing my best to decipher things.

From what I can understand, your H's behaviour with his best friend's W 4.5yrs ago, if not out of place, certainly borders on the... bizarre. Certainly, I do not understand the context, but on the surface it seems like an EA, but it just seems strange that even his buddy appeared to be OK with it. ???

And now with this young long distance, now neighbour. Well...

If he's being secretive about his R with the neighbour, best guess is there is at least an EA. If he can't be completely open with his R with the neighbour, then he is intentionally hiding something he is uncomfortable with letting you know. Even if he rationalizes the withholding as due to you being jealous.

That said, you indicate that, as best as I can determine, you had a PA with your H's brother? If so, while two wrongs don't make a right, two wrongs still make two wrongs. It adds an added layer of messy to the whole sitch, on top of it all.

Aside from his fondness of his friend and W that you mention from 5 years ago, was there anything at that time that was possible traumatic in his life, or anything from then to now that you can think of?

So at this point, it is really important that you do not justify or rationalize your PA. It happened. Own it completely as your choice and responsibility. Any issues your H has regarding it, are valid.

Your issues with your H and his likely EAs (and possibly PA; you likely don't know for sure) is HIS choice and HIS responsibility and any issue you have regarding his secrecy ARE valid, also.

With just that, the two of you are going to have to do some fairly work on trust in order for this M to be saved. But before that can happen, you need to take care of yourself, while ensuring you do not get yourself into any further EAs.

You will want to work on some 180s (what do you think those might be?) and also GAL, but DO NOT be mysterious, considering the context. YOU NEED to be like an open book. When looking at the 180s, you will need to look back to 5 years and figure out how your H became more interested in his buddy and buddy's W than in you and his family. How do you think that happened?

[amy1982]

Yes Kaffe..there is def something bizarre w/ my H buddy. This guy is turned on by his wife having sex w/ other guys. I know shes had at least 15 other guys since theyre married & he's good w/ it. So guess why I have a hard time being good friends w/ them. As far as why my H is so thick w/ them...IMO..acceptance is VERY important to my H & they give it because they don't really stand for anything whereas I tend to consider the effect certain movies, music, friends etc will have on our family & he felt I am too stiff & narrowminded. They are more inclined to live for the moment, go to bars, consider it normal to be very free physically w/ others, flirt etc. So I tried to fit in because who wants to be a square? My H & I got married in a setting that was very controlled & men & women were very reserved then we moved. I got very confused in trying to find a balance. Anyway, I feel I am clearer on that & am prepared to avoid EA & PA. I may be wrong but it seems to me the more confident you are in your worth & value, the less likely you are to succumb to having an affair to feel good.
I asked my H the other day if he ever worries that I might have another A. His reply, "I guess I don't really care."
He has never acted jealous if other men come on to me which I have never understood. I always wished he would be & told him so on different occasions.