Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching II

[ThisDayForward]

For how long bond? Been another 2 months since 1st bomb

[ThisDayForward]

So I continue to live in a marriage with no communication or conflict resolution Bond?

[ThisDayForward]

Still praying to higher power

[ThisDayForward]

Bond I would like to hear suggestion on how to start communication.
Detaching is one thing but don't u agree we need to resolve or eventually talk

[MrBond]

In your case, talking seems like a bad thing. What were you going to talk about?

[ThisDayForward]

I put what I was going to say in this thread.
That I wanted To start working toward a healthy marriage . That I understand we both didn't have the greatest role models for resolving problems but I would like to start communicating and resolving our issues . Start with a calm conversation where we truly listen to each other

[MrBond]

Maybe you can start by writing something down and giving it to her. Sometimes it's just not the right time yet. Remember, it took me years before my W opened up. Before that she was just p*ssed every time we talked. I waited for her to open up first. But that was my timeline.

[~ kd ~]

PON, try to understand that the frustration your feel is YOUR frustration. Own that.

I can not speak for gabbysmom, although my understanding of what she is saying is, if YOU are DONE with the limbo, then OWN THAT CHOICE and file. All past efforts have failed for you to comm with your W and it appears the lack of comm is becoming a deal breaker for you. If it is, then you are done. LRT and FILE.

I can not speak for Bond, although my understand of what he is saying is, deal with the fact that you can not make your W comm with you. If lack of comm is a NOT a deal breaker for you, then stop trying to comm until she comes out and initiates.

Hope that make sense.

[25yearsmlc]

Thx bond . Last 2 months not much talking. No conflict because I don't engauge. She snoops my stuff but there isn't anything to find . I feel she trying to find any little reason to jump ship yet again

I committees to 12 steps of alanon and have great mentor.
All I can do for now

PON, I sigh when I read your questions about how long an MLC will last...

I cannot say your w is in MLC at all. Given the numerous issues you both have, and all the things she is NOT working on, why label it "MLC" at all?

Plus, even if it is MLC, (along with several other problems) WE have no idea if it "ends".

The thing you have to "get" now, is that there is NOTHING to suggest that when an MLC ends, that they somehow return to who they were before.

MOST DO NOT "return" to their former selves...most are permanently different.

So even if she were to stop being in flux, (Which I think is an understatement for someone being so moody for 4 years...)

she still might not "return" and this has been going on for 4 years now, correct?

Isn't it possible that she's just not a very Unhappy person, who remains broken and looks for external causes for her pain?

Also, fwiw, you said "EE" did not focus much on communication. I disagree a lot.

Essential Experience promotes itself (and imo, deservedly so) for heavy emphasis on Communication. In fact it's tax deductible mainly for that reason. The exercises it contains bring out emotions we have, about issues we may not be aware of, but we are always "armed" with the structure of the exercise for safe communication. EE is a safe place for expressing yourself in a given situation or about a painful issue. I am a L but I communicate much better since EE b/c I don't always play the "advocate", and I don't always cross examine the way I used to do.

I learned a new "consensus building" way of communication. And an authentic way of saying how I feel, even when it's dark or unappealing, but without escalation or attack. So yeah, I'd say it focuses on communication a lot.

Your issues at EE perhaps were not THEN about communication so much as trying to figure out how your childhood affected the things you say and do today, (or the way the Old PON would do things...)


The "trick" is to help your w learn those ways, like using the open body posture and making eye contact and teaching and modelling that for her.

However, I say all this^^ with the belief it may help someone else.

B/C I don't think your w will make eye contact w/you voluntarily. I don't know a healthy way to "make" her do it. I think you guys have a lot of water under the bridge...

not saying it's too late but I am saying your old behaviors are not getting you anywhere. All the R talks and ways to get her to open up (which is sort of temp taking and or pursuit, really)

are not helping. And the "detach for 90 days & assess", did not last. So let's review your other posts. See if YOU find a pattern.

FWIW, You communicate better now than before, with US. You have more insights than before. You just need to DO what you say.

[Raine]

Congrats on 5 years since your first post, Bond! Amazing to see the change that can happen from where you started to where you are now.

PON, I think it's best to keep any negative interpretations of events or feelings only about you and not what you assume her past or her feelings are. So instead of I understand that neither of us had the greatest role models, just say that you felt you didn't. If it's about you and your feelings, there is no room for her to get defensive and counter about things that are irrelevant to the main point.