Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

Reflection. I spent this morning reading all of my threads. From the very beginning and taking notes. I've come a long way and I'm proud of myself.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...914#Post2356914

I recognize that after my W stated she ended her affair and then began loving acts and slightly pursuing me I got off course. My post began to contain more thoughts of being let down by expectations that I had allowed.

I am going to get back to me. Starting with Val's question for me:

RT,
it's time for you to sit in the "uncomfortable". To look at yourself in the mirror and ask - What am I afraid of?

And then own it. Own your fears. It's okay to be scared....

From there - you can then decide what you want to do about it. From there you can decide what is loving to both yourself and her.
((( )))

What am I afraid of? I don’t think it’s that my M will end. I’m coming to the light that it in a sense it already has. Any M after all of this will be a new one. I’m not afraid of being alone. I am comfortable when just with myself. I am not afraid of new relationships either. So when I get down to it… I am afraid that I am wasting my time. I am afraid that I am not making the right choice in standing for my M. I am afraid that nothing I do will matter in the long run and I could have left her and started over a year ago when hit with ILYBINILWY.

After reading my own threads entirely I have noticed that my detachment has been suffering since I allowed hope and expectations to creep in. My impulsive reactions are harder to control. I am not crying or snooping so I AM getting stronger... But in reading my last thread especially it’s as though I am waiting on my W to make a decision about our M. I can see how my “I’m done” thinking was in response to how that “waiting” was making me feel out of control. And we all know how I LOVE control!

I have been too focused on my W and trying to make sense of her crazy instead of my own. In reading and reflecting I can see the backslide. I wasn’t too far down the hill and it’s expected but I need to start climbing again. I’ve gotten as far as I have personally and in my R with my W because of the work I was doing on myself.


An update: My W called yesterday afternoon when she returned from the trip with the AP. We talked for 40min. about our weeks. She mostly asked about me. She didn’t really want to talk about her or the AP. I said “I’m here if you need to.” She “knows that but it still feels weird”. I “understand”. Easy convo. She did say that the week with AP “confirmed what I already know”. I didn’t ask her elaborate. I took it as more waking up for her possibly.

I told her I was having my wisdom teeth removed and when, she immediately started talking about her calendar and coming down to help me. I thanked her and told her I had already scheduled for a friend to drive me and stay the first night but if she was going to be in town for her psych appt. anyway to just let me know.

We laughed a bit. At one point I mentioned I couldn’t find the dogs fles/tick meds.
She answered:

W:They were in the basket but when you packed everything and left me you probably lost them. “ (she laughed at her statement… and I did pack and leave after PA BD for 3 weeks)
M: I was laughing too and responded , “I left? I’m the one at home!”
W: “Because you threw me out!”.(lol)
Note that it wasn’t awkward and we were laughing but I told her:
M: I didn’t throw you out.
W: Yes you did. You came home and said you weren’t leaving and if I needed space I needed to find a place to go.” (lol)
M: “You are right. I told you to go. I said you couldn’t live at home while you were in another relationship.” (still laughing)

And that was pretty much it. We told each other we loved one another at the end of the call. She threw in a “baby”, “honey”, and “sweetie” during the call. I refrained from using the endearing stuff.

A big storm hit my city later and she texted to see if I was ok. I told her I was.

So there you have it. I’m backing off the next couple of days. I very aware of the planetary influence and the skies are ripe with combative energy for the next 2 days. The AP can drive conversations with her instead of me! LOL!!! I’m too busy for drama. I’ve got some "RT stuff" do think about!

[needgrace]

hi RT,

good for you, to turn the focus back onto YOU. your W makes it difficult, i would imagine that her "check-ins" make it harder to turn your focus away from her and your M...and present a diversion from sitting in and focusing on your feelings... did that happen a lot during the M? if so, what can it teach you?

look under that fear about wasting time... where else does that pop up in your life and what else is wrapped up in it?

it is a good time for lists... one DBer who is on the piecing thread, scared silly, made a list of hurtful things her H had done during the M and also a list of nice things she had done for him and his family during their M, those lists helped her detach and put things in perspective..

making lists of your aspirations for yourself (who you want to be in the world) or your future Rs are good ones..

this is your opportunity (dreaded as it is) to go DEEP.. i know that i have never been so broken open as now and that is when growth comes..

Take care of yourself, RT.... not W right now..... this time is for YOU.

[RealityTrip]

Fighting the needy monster in me today. It craves affection. Spending some time trying to refocus on me and fill the need myself.

your W makes it difficult, i would imagine that her "check-ins" make it harder to turn your focus away from her and your M...and present a diversion from sitting in and focusing on your feelings... did that happen a lot during the M? if so, what can it teach you?

I think the "check-ins" do make it more difficult to not only focus on myself but detach as well. I've been examining it and in our M my W was never needy. She has been since I started DB'ing in April and went dark on her. I see it as cake-eating. Like a child. "I want to go play" with this other person but I want to make sure your not going anywhere. That's kind of how it's felt especially recently since she's been more open and loving with me but still refusing to commit fully to the M or the A. I struggle with this. It's one of the things that keeps me continually trying to "set a deadline" or "I'm done" protective bubbling in my thoughts. The indecisiveness and lack of choice are not ok with me and I have a growing resentment for it. I can feel it.

look under that fear about wasting time... where else does that pop up in your life and what else is wrapped up in it?

Wasting time. Truly a fear. I am afraid that my entire M was a waste of my time. I am afraid that I chose the wrong person. I am afraid as I approach my 40th birthday that I am running out of time because my life is half over, she is going to leave me and I never saw it coming. I am afraid if my M ends, of starting new with someone else, choosing "wrong" again and feeling this pain again later in my life and wasting even more time on another relationship. I'm afraid that if I choose to be alone in order to spare myself this type of possible pain again that I will reach the end of my life and regret never having felt love again... and wasted time being alone out of fear.

Vicious circle of thought.

PONDERING: I am asking myself after an email I received from an alternate website with an article on grieving timelines...Do I spend enough time grieving? I still feel the pain of the betrayal. I supress mind movies now and then. Memory pain triggers surprise me sometimes. One did today. Am I spending enough time in the quiet, alone and grieving? Am I waiting for the end of limbo to go to certain depths because I feel like I need a path to dive into? Alone or as a Marriage?

AN UPDATE: My W and I spoke briefly today about finances. Pleasant convo. She told me she loved me I responded the same. Later we had a text between us, also pleasant. Space between us. My feelings are hurt that she spent a week with the AP. I want her to want to spend a week with me. Then I realize... she did... just before she went to the AP. The AP was mad about it. She probably demanded her week too.

[RealityTrip]

I keep going back to my W, the A, and the AP. Why? So I was thinking about what someone on the forum told me recently. (One of you amazing people!) It was along the lines of, "we focues on the S, the OP and the A as a way to avoid our own feelings."

As I drove to work today, the AP invaded my head and I felt pain. I just tried to talk it out with myself. Outloud. (Oh how I must have looked to other drivers!)

For my journal and restrospection later it produced this:

"OK RT. If you are thinking about the AP what are you trying to avoid feeling? Are you trying to avoid the thought that you really are done and ready to move on? You've been talking and thinking that a lot lately. No that's not it. I don't really want my M to end. I don't mean that when I say it. I want her to come home and I want us to put all of this behind us and move forward."

"OK RT. So whay are you refocusing on the A and AP so much lately? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my W will end our M permanently and leave me for the AP."

"RT, thinking about them only causes you pain. W may end the M and leave you for AP but at that point you will have resolution. Limbo and wondering what they are doing will no longer be a struggle for you every day and you can move forward. You can find peace."

"So from now on RT, when the AP or the A, or a memory pain from W invades your thoughts you will recognize that it is there because you are afraid she will divorce you and choose the AP. You will say that to yourself so that the vision in your head doesn't have power. The feeling has the power and then you will sit with the fear of W divorcing you and you will comfort yourself through it. You will remind yourself that you are not in control of your W's decisions and allow yourself a few minutes to grieve what you've already lost instead of fearing what you might lose."

AN UPDATE: My needy, affection-starved, monster child won last night and I texted my W at bedtime. "Sweet dreams. Thinking of you." She texted back "XO". I'm not dissapointed in myself or viewing it as a mistake. It is what it is. I missed her and wanted to tell her. Bump in the DB road.

[Wonka]

RT, there are so many positives in your interacdtions. Your W is somewhat responsive which is a good thing. So unlike my DXW who moved like a glacier. And now nearly over 8 years later, that glacier has now thawed considerably.

Take it from me, it is perfectly okay and reasonable to constantly dwell on the OW/OP and W/H when your world has recently been blown apart. In my case, I constantly thought about DXW and the OW for almost 3 or 4 months straight. Then these thoughts eventually faded away to a lesser extent. The fresh feelings of BD, finding out about the A, and DBing inevitably causes us to dwell on the OW/OP because of the deep sense of betrayal inflicted on our psyches.

Even to this day, I work hard to swat away thoughts about the OW when they crop up unexpectantly. BUT the constant dwelling on them has long, long faded away into the mists.

[RealityTrip]

We talked last night it was very honest for me and my W was open. She had a bad week with the AP on the trip. Which included "half a** intimacy one night" (I was surprised she shared that.) On Monday on the drive home the AP has gave W the same old ultimatum: "don't contact me again until you divorce RT." Her usual M.O. when she feels my W slipping away from her. She does the "Take Away" and like a child, my W wants what she can't have.

She was honest and told me she has no idea what she wants. She "thinks" it's our M and she "loves me." But admitted she says the exact same thing to the AP but in reverse.

My honesty was two fold. I told her that I am getting stronger and limbo is no longer ok with me. I also told her that I have a growing resentment that since S, she has gone to the AP's home whenever asked for extended periods of time to "try to make it work" (each time they fail) but that my resentment was she has never tried to heal our marriage. She validated that was truth and doesn't know why she hasn't other than the AP keeps asking her to try and I don't. So I gave her what she wanted:

"Ok." I said. "Fair enough. I have not asked. I want to be very clear. I love you. I can see us in a future, with all of this behind us. We are stronger, have better communication and are happier than ever. Will you come home?" She said, "I'll think about it." (I took that bait big time! I left it alone. I'm not playing games.)

She started crying (a lot) and apologizing over and over for hurting me, continuing to hurt me, etc... I thanked her for the words and told her that I don't need her to keep apologizing for the A, I need her to exhibit mercy by committing to a resolution to find her happiness, wherever that may lead.

I thanked her for the talk and openess. I thanked her for listening to me. She said "You don't owe me any thank you's. You don't owe me anything. I don't deserve it."

I tried not to interrupt her feelings by putting a bandaid on them or "Fixing" them like I used to try to do. I just tried to sit and listen to her. To be in the moment and let her feel them with me not in judgement.

The call ended well. I told her that I was going to give her some space for a while. She said she was going to call and/or text me. I said that was ok.

We exchanged our love for one another and left the conversation with for me, what felt a little more cleansed and little more connected.

[needgrace]

RT,

I struggle with giving advice on this site bc i think that these are big, big decisions and need to come from deep within someone's own heart and soul.

what i can offer to you instead... is asking you what you need to do now for RT?...if the focus is on you and your own singular life, what do you do now? your W appears to be on a seesaw of sorts going up and down from moment to moment and focusing on her will give you motion sickness.

there is no right or wrong answer and i am not advocating for you to do or not do anything... this is the time to look deeply into your own fears, your own patterns, your own thoughts and feelings, your own heart... and make conscious choices.

(((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))

[Wonka]

RT, it seems that the convo went well. The only thing I would caution you about is pressuring W or temp checking about coming home. That introduces pressure and W is conflicted enough as it is. My suggestion is for you to lay back and go dark until W initiates contact with you. The reason is two-fold:

1) It will allow W to sift through your convo and through her emotions
2) W will miss you and will seek you out when you go dark

The question about "will you come home" seems to come from your desperation for W to turn to you and work on the M now because you want this pain to stop. I totally get that. Yet, for many WASes with OP, it takes several loops back and forth before they make the final break from the OP. Be prepared for this, sweetie.

Good job!

[RealityTrip]

UPDATE: My W is on her way here. She was planning on coming into town to help me since I am having my wisdom teeth out on Friday. In the midst of planning she got the opportunity to work in another city but is still coming in tonight. Her flight is tomorrow and she returns on Monday. She asked if she could stay for a while and "see how things go" between us. I waffled on the yes/no. I was honest with her about it but I'm not setting any expecations for myself in it if she does end up staying a while.

JOURNAL: I'm really tired and think that I'm cycling into the depression stage of my grief over the betrayal. I can feel a huge difference from the bargaining stage to this. It's been difficult to take care of myself, my home, get out of bed. All of those things. This depression is also different from the sadness I experienced when I was in Denial. This is not laced with sobbing and tears. Just fatigue and not caring. Just an blanket of sadness.

I'm not fighting it though. The sooner I release and let it wash over me the sooner I will move forward.

I feel like being quiet.

[Wonka]

So sorry to see you feeling this way. It is okay, RT. Gosh, I've been down that road many times in the early DB process.

Hope you'll do tons of TLC...perhaps a nice bubble bath?!