Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I'm sitting here, at my desk, and I realize that it's been 18 months and this still consumes my every undistracted thought.

Whew. This is tiring.

Giving up and moving on as if there is no chance whatsoever seems easier, but I don't know if I can live with myself if I do that. So I choose this.

And I'm tired.

***

This just in. I have a couple of confidants. One of them just wrote me this regarding boundaries (she has no knowledge of DB'ing):

First we have to establish a reasonable goal. So what is the goal here? I'd say something like trying to establish autonomy of some sort. She needs to feel like she's doing things herself and is on her own. You need to be able to move on with your life without always wondering what she's up to, who she's with and if she's ok. You both need to establish friends aside from each other, even if you were still together. When you see each other every night, that doesn't facilitate either of you getting together with any other friend or establishing any kind of autonomy. That's something to look at.

You also have physical boundary issues. She's pushing way beyond what is appropriate and because you still love and want her, one moment of not being in control could cause a whole slew of grief. You need to protect you and you'll be protecting her by putting up physical boundaries.

I'd say texting and phone conversations should be discussed too. No photos back and forth. If one of you takes some photos of the kids, that's fine. Send it by email once a week or something. Maybe text at one point in the day only if it's related to coordinating kids within short period of time. Otherwise maybe communicate once a day if that (maybe every other day). But definitely not throughout the day and nothing [personal like she has been sending you].

I'm not saying any of these need to last forever. But right now the relationship you do have with her is sticky. There's clinging attachment making everything confusing. I would suggest that you set some pretty firm boundaries, over and above what you would think you would like to maintain for the long-term and do that for a couple of months. At least until some of the emotion calms down. Then you can sit down again, talk about how those two months went and what might be a more long-term plan. But I think the boundaries need to start out more severe than it will be later just to get past that stickiness period. Until you are in a new routine and both able to function a little more smoothly.

That certainly sounds reasonable, but feel free to opine while I go to the restroom and throw up from thinking about that.

-PM