Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

[slow_it_down]

Today, an unexpected credit card charge for my turnpike ez pass led to a very interesting day for me. I haven't been anywhere requiring tolls lately (trying to limit my travel to save money for the baby) so not thinking I logged in to see where the charges were from.

It turns out the charges were from my H who seems to have forgotten to take my transponder out of his car. Oh look, the H that told me all through our dating and marriage that he could never go to the beach in the summer, even on weekends, because his job responsibilities didn't allow him to leave town seems to have taken one of the first weekends we've been separated to go to the beach. (undoubtedly with OW).

This got me thinking on two topics. First, this is not the first time he's magically been able to make other people or himself a priority over his work responsibilities when he never seemed to be able to do this for me. I remember reading in someone else's sitch where if someone does the same thing 3 times you have to decide whether it is something you can live with or not and if you decide to live with it you just have to let it go. So I asked myself 'Can I live with him not being able to make me a priority over his work if we were to reconcile?' At times I feel like I put him on this pedestal and I think its good to have reminders that unconditional love after all of this could involve a lot of 1-sided sacrifice should this turn out to be who he is at heart (vs just going through a MLC). Am I humble enough for that? I'm not sure.

The other thought I had was in regard to this OW. I have been doing my best not to dwell on her or who she might be because it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't her it'd be someone else. Every now and again I catch myself thinking 'I bet he's on his best behavior, having energy to stay up and hang out, doing fun things, not working as much. I bet she's getting to go out in the boat I never got to go out in that he spent all last summer working on instead of spending time with me, driving around in the sports car he bought when I complained he wasn't financially contributing' And I think "Of course he's having more fun with her. She probably isn't tied down by having kids around. She isn't pregnant.'

Its so easy to get caught up in seeing how appealing either one of them would be right now. Boat, car, sunshine, no pesky kids or responsibilities messing things up. But I decided to end my own pity party by thinking, I am who I am and if its not what he wants there isn't much I can do about it. Me and my kids are deserving of love and I wouldn't trade what I bring to the table even if I could (meaning go back to being single, fun and available at the drop of a hat to go out).