Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

I'm starting to see old H return. Unfortunately, I think we will need to D in order for him to continue his journey and figure himself out.

H and his IC don't think its fair to ask me to wait while he figures himself out, as he's not sure that he'll return to me, and I know what I want in life, so I need to be free to pursue it.

I have another year of graduate school, so that's going to be my focus for now. Even if I'm D, I don't plan on looking for someone new anytime soon, so maybe I will still be available if/when H decides to return.

H is doing better. Still working out, went to church yesterday, and cleaned up his apt. On Friday night he invited me to bingo with his friends and on Saturday I went with him to see SS for the first time since he got back to Texas.

They live almost 100 miles away, so it was a bit of a road trip and I'm glad that he waited for me to get off work so that I could go to. I think part of it was that he didn't want to deal with his thoughts during that long drive and preferred company. Either way, I was happy to see SS and the rest of his family.

I've got a mud run this weekend and plenty of school and work to keep me busy. H is making slow, but steady progress. Hopefully he will one day love himself and be able to work on his own dreams.

[sweetbabyred]

H and SS are in H's hometown for Easter. I was actually invited (insert surprised look here), but couldn't go because of work commitments and my mud run.

This morning I got the sweetest text from my MIL thanking me for everything I continue to do for H. She said that she loves and respects me. No matter how my sitch ends up, I can feel good knowing that I can be proud of my actions and what I've done.

Yesterday I was in the car with H and he looked over and had a strange look on his face. I didn't say anything, but he eventually said that if he was meant to be with me, he hoped God would tell him soon because he's sure that I'll find someone else soon.

He's going through a lot right now, but it seems like he's starting to get through the fog. I hope that this weekend with his family will be good for him.

As for me, I've got work and my mud run this weekend, plus the usual school work. I'm feeling strong and I know I'll be okay no matter what happens.

[sweetbabyred]

I finished my second mud run today! And I met two new friends, both of whom are my age, so it was a win-win. They both like to run, so maybe I'll join some races with them.

H texted me this morning about my race and then as soon as it was over to see how it went. A little while later he called and at one point even said he would have been there to take pics of me if he hadn't gone out of town for Easter. Not sure if that'll ever happen, but it's a nice thought.

And I've only got 5 more weeks left in my semester! I've been so busy that it's gone by pretty fast.

I've been accepted to a study abroad program in London, but if I can't get the funds situated in the next few weeks, I'll stay home for school. No matter what happens, I'll be okay, although I'm sure I'd have a little more fun in London/Edinburgh!

Although I do like spending time with H and talking to him, I know that my life will go on even if we do D and go our separate ways. It's taken me almost two years to fully realize that, but I think I'm there now.

[bustingout]

You sound good sweet. Really good. Am
Happy for you

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks busting! You seem to be doing pretty well too.

I am doing well. I'm sure I'll have my down times, but I'm feeling pretty positive.

H mentioned last night that he was on a roller coaster, trying to figure out what he wanted in life. It was funny to know that the MLCer/WAS is going through the same crazy times that we do.

Of course, I've had a two year head start to work on myself, and H is just now learning that he can't run away from himself and has to deal with it.

He actually asked last night what we were doing. As far as our relationship. I responded that I was there for him as a friend as he tried to figure things out.

He asked if that was all, and I said that I'd be lying if I didn't hope that at some point he'd want to start over with us, but that he wasn't close to being able to make that decision right now and I only wanted him to come back if he wanted to, not because I coerced him. So, for right now, I was a friend, because that's all that he could handle.

I think I did pretty well.

[bustingout]

I think you did pretty well too :-)

[sweetbabyred]

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. I've been trying to keep up on a few sitches, but school is keeping me extremely busy.

H did file on 4/3 and about two weeks later I filed my response, so once H schedules the hearing we should be divorced sometime next month. I'm not happy about it, but I'll be ok.

Strangely enough, H and I are getting along pretty well. H just feels that he needs to figure out how to be on his own and deal with his self esteem issues before he can be in a relationship. I think he just might be strong enough to do that now.

I have another year of school, so that's going to be my focus right now. A man would have to pursue me to get my attention right now. I'm strong enough to be on my own.

This weekend H and I are going to visit his family. My youngest nephew is turning 6 and having his birthday party, so I'm going to surprise him. I was invited by SIL and was going to go no matter what. H and I decided to carpool and we'll stay with his mom.

It's weird that we're in the middle of divorcing and we still really get along. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts because there is always a chance he'll get involved with some crazy person that doesn't want him to talk to me. But for now, I get to see my SS whenever H has him.

I have realized that H still doesn't know how to cope when things don't go his way. He'll be going along ok and then hear some moderately bad news and just can't handle it. Until he can learn some coping mechanisms I know that we'd never be able to R.

I'm going to take care of me and enjoy this weekend with the family. I haven't seen them since early October, so I'm looking forward to it. If H wants to be depressed and miserable, that's his choice, but I'm not going to let it affect me.

Life is short and I don't want to waste any more of it. If H can't get his life together, that's his loss, but it doesn't have to be mine.

[sweetbabyred]

Not much has changed in the past month.

H and I are still getting along and the D will probably be finalized next week.

I've still got my 4.0 and have four classes left until I get my Masters, hopefully next May. I've got a part time job in my field and am working other events to keep the bills paid.

We did have a time where we were talking/seeing each other almost every day, but I need to back off and focus on my own life.

I do still love him and maybe one day he'll realize that he's made the wrong choice, but I may have moved on by then.

I appreciate this site so much and still try to check in and see how everyone is doing. A year ago I was a complete mess and I've realized that I'll be okay no matter what happens. I'm not sure if I'd be able to say that if I hadn't been here.

[sweetbabyred]

D could have been finalized as early as last Monday, but the court didn't approve the papers that I had to drop off last week. I'd hoped that it would be done this Thursday, but no such luck.

I still love my H, but have accepted that he's not able or willing to work on our M now. He has hopes that we'll still be great friends, but he gets upset whenever I say anything, saying that I'm trying to guilt trip him, so I'm not sure if we'll be able to be friends.

H hasn't felt married since we separated two years ago, but at this point I need the D so that I can move on too. I have to get the forms notarized and head back to drop them off at the courthouse again (for the 3rd time).

Since we've agreed on everything, I've decided not to bother getting off work and making it to the hearing. I'm going to hope that H will go at the first available opportunity to get it all finalized.

Oh, and he definitely affaired down and is finally realizing just how badly. His last OW was arrested last week for getting jealous of two of her "friends" and shooting the male friend in the face. She didn't mean to pull the trigger, but she'd threatened them a few days before, so she'll probably do some time.

She's 22, and just moved out of her parents' house a week before. I knew she'd go even crazier without her curfew, but didn't imagine just how bad it would get. Her jealousy and insecurity may have just ruined the rest of her life.

I still feel that one day H will realize that he gave up on the best thing that ever happened to him, but it will probably be too late for it to matter. I can't worry about that and need to move on with my life and my future.

[sweetbabyred]

It's official. I now have an XH.

Since I'd decided to notarize the forms, H was able to go to the courthouse today and finalize everything. Even though he knew I was at work and that's why I'd decided to let him do it by himself, he sent me several, increasingly agitated texts asking for our wedding date and date of separation.

Once I saw the messages, I answered and then went right into reading out loud to a summer reading club and once I finished, an hour later, more messages asking for my SSN, place of birth, and address so that it could be finalized.

I thought it was somewhat funny because all of this information was on the application for divorce that he filled out in April, after asking me for all of the answers. So he apparently went to court completely unprepared and without the paperwork.

It's done. I cried a little on the way home from work, but really not much has changed. He hasn't wanted to work on us for a long time and now I can give up the hope that he'll change and just move on.

Afterward, H called me to say that he still wants to be friends because he can't lose the good people he has in his life. I told him that would depend on his actions and that I'd let him take the lead because he chose to leave and I'm not going to chase after him for anything.

After a long two years, I guess I'll have to start a new thread in Surviving the Big D if I still feel the need to post.

I am so thankful to all of you who posted to me and those who shared their stories, letting me know that I'm not the only one going through this.