WAW having affair, still living in separate rooms

[newman7977]

Thanks.
The best thing about tonight was spending time w my s.

^^^thats it Kenva just you and your boy...keep that focus there bud!

Newman

[kenva]

I had my appointment today w attorney and he's said w attorney contacted him for us to make the next move. My attorney asked hers if there was a chance of reconciling. Her attorney said after talking with w that she said no to reconciling. I told attorney I expected that because she is still angry w my response to the divorce papers she served me. . So mine tells me take a week or so to let him know what I want to do. One of three. Negotiate a settlement, do nothing ( let her do it all) or go to litigation. He said basically the call from her attorney was with an olive branch to peacefully handle this. I plan on telling her that we need to talk next week. I am also going to tell her that I know about her friend.

[kenva]

I had a really good work out today and looking forward to dinner w s tonight. Don't know how I am going to sleep tonight tho. I text w that we need to talk and we are in the morning. I have started writing some notes down and have read them over and over. Gotta do this.

[kenva]

Had a talk with w today and told her i knew about the OM. She just sat there and nodded. She said that was expected because she has been gone for a while. She kept telling me she isn't angry just mad w me. The only way to fix that is to divorce. I gave her a lot to think about. Our son,the house and how things would be after the divorce. I told her that I wasn't mad or angry just hurt. She complained that I didn't listen to her 4 years ago and now I am doing things. She noticed I am more involved w our s. I told her I was in Lala land back then and realize now. That's when she kept saying that's why she is mad. She sais I get it, you don't want out. Told her we couldn't decide on everything today and we should get together next week on moving forward.

[jp787]

Kenva, How are you doing?

[kenva]

Not so good. After chatting with w and her basically agreeing to what I was saying she sends me an email for her still wanting the house. She also said she would tell our s but only when we figure out living arrangements. She also said that for years she had been begging me to make changes and that now that I am she sais that she wasn't asking those things for just her sake.

[AnotherStander]

I gave her a lot to think about. Our son,the house and how things would be after the divorce.

You don't need to hammer that stuff home, she is already thinking about all of that. If you say it then it just comes off as pressure.

I told her that I wasn't mad or angry just hurt.

She's a WAS, she doesn't care about how you feel. YOU need to care about how SHE feels. Don't tell her you're angry/ hurt/ in pain/ etc. Your job is to listen to her and validate her feelings, not the other way around. Also she needs to think you're doing great without her before she'll even start to think about wanting you back, so you don't want to look or sound miserable.

She complained that I didn't listen to her 4 years ago and now I am doing things. She noticed I am more involved w our s. I told her I was in Lala land back then and realize now. That's when she kept saying that's why she is mad.

This is VERY typical. The WAS wanted to see changes long ago, didn't see them, decided to leave, THEN the LBS changes. The WAS usually sees this and gets angry and resentful, their response is "if it was so easy to change, then why didn't you before when I wanted you to?" Your response should be along the lines of "I didn't know before, I know now, and I'm committed to changing not to try and get you back, but because it's the right thing to do to make myself a better person."

She sais I get it, you don't want out.

Yes she knows, you don't need to keep reminding her. Every time you remind her you tell her "you and I don't want the same thing. You want to leave, I want you to stay. This is about what I want, not what you want." It's pressure. You need to remove all pressure.

[kenva]

The talk was to confront her that I know about the other m. The reason I told her about not being mad or angry but hurt was to basically tell her that I am willing to forgive. The rest of the talk was to let her know my stand on what I wanted out of the divorce. I brought up nothing on the relationship. Only on moving forward. Hopefully she will see that I am a string enough man to put her affair behind me and am willing to work on us, but I did not come out and say it.

[kenva]

So today w comes home from being out of town. She text me earlier that she wanted to p u our s from daycare today on her way home. I responded , sure then she , ok. I got home and they were both in family room and for the first time in 3 weeks I said hi to her. She has been giving me the silent treatment that long so I thought I would change things up. So I am standing in the kitchen thinking to myself " is she really worth it". Wow, is she really worth it. I'm getting over it. I got my chops on the grill and she is in kitchen making hers and s dinner. I bet she sits at table and we all eat together. This is something she has been avoiding for over 3 weeks now. Complete separation. So the question to myself, is she really worth it.

[newman7977]

Hey Kenva,

I think it's best not to tell her you will forgive her. If you will hen keep it to yourself and don't Volunteer the info. I think she won't respect you knowing that you know her A still ongoing and you're already forgiving her...make her think, "I wonder if kenva will forgive me about my Infidelity?" If she already know the answer then it will be ok for her to continue because she knows that no matter what, you will forgive her.

Your last post seem to me that you're still watching your W's every move. Cook your dinner then go to the other room where she isn't, if she ask you something then don't be rude and talk to her but if not then just go about your business.

Keep posting K and stay confident!

Newman