Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

Couple questions for you:

What are YOU doing for YOU right now?

Not much. The only things "for me" I take care of regularly are nutrition and exercise.

It's buried in one of my older threads, but:

• I work 50-60 hours per week. (A legitimate 50-60 hours per week, not the kind where people count when they leave home and when they get back home.) I'm up at 5 every day.
• I'm getting my MBA at night from a top-10 business school (nationally ranked, inclusive of private universities). Class doesn't even let out until 9:30pm, so on those nights I don't even walk through my front door until after 10. Tack on all the extra work associated with these classes that I have to find time for throughout the week and I'm already spent.
• Every chance I get that I'm not at work or on campus, I go see my girls. I like to lead their nightly devotionals, tuck them into bed, and pray with them individually right before they go to sleep. It's their choice who says the prayer - them or me.
• On weekends I have one date with one of my daughters. It rotates between the four of them, but I get one every week. There are countless benefits to this, but a few major ones are the one-on-one time, the consistent example that I care about each one of them individually, and setting an example of how a date is supposed to treat them (for later on when they're 30 and I allow them to date).
• XW works on Saturday and Sunday mornings, so the D's and I spend time together then. We go to the park, the pool, church, we go through their weekly chores, they have special educational assignments from Dad, etc.
• I usually take the kids one weekend night as well. I want them to feel comfortable at my place and also give XW a rest. Yes, she "chose" to essentially be a single mom, but it's tough and I'm empathetic to that. Once I get a bigger place this will be much easier on my end anyway.

I've tried and tried to reach out to old friends, but it's been hard. Most are busy doing what I wish I was doing: spending time at home with their wife and kids. I've found that I can't count on some "friends" (so I dropped them), and others are just generally busy as well. But I've certainly made the effort. Perhaps moving back into the old neighborhood will help in this effort.

Also helping in this effort will be completing my MBA in December, freeing up TIME for me.

I'm sure someone can find some shred of me making excuses, but for the most part, I'm pretty busy with an extremely demanding schedule. So GAL for me hasn't been very plausible since BD.

It's funny. I think of how incredible the relationship between me and XW was and I honestly think it was responsible for at least several marriages that may or may not have happened otherwise. People were jealous of what we had, saw that "it" was possible, and tried to recreate it for themselves.

What GAL activities are you planning this weekend?

Nothing.

Saturday I'm going to drive the kids an hour away to meet up with my sister who is traveling through on her way to California. I have my date with D9. We have church on Sunday. We'll probably hit up the pool.

This may not be healthy, but honestly I want to see my girls as much as possible, and I feel guilty if I have free time and am not there spending it with them. If you want to dig deeper, my parents didn't spend a lot of time with me, and I want to be the dad that showed them how to live life, that gave them memories, and was always there for them.

Upcoming events:

• I'm taking the 4 D's to the beach next Monday through Wednesday. This will be a bit of a challenge with 4 girls under 12 at the ocean and no other adult to help, but we'll manage and I'll make sure we all have a good time.
• The following Saturday, I'm taking all the D's to my parents out of state and dropping them off for a week. I'm not sure if I'll see XW during this week - I haven't given it any thought and we haven't discussed it.

Last night I was going to point out that your last several pages have been a lot about your W, what she's doing, how she's behaving, and the impacts it's having on you. I understand wanting to talk about our S's but it's time to start talking about YOU again. Seems she has a lot of control over you and how you are feeling. Time to take charge of you my friend.

You are probably right. I see her in pain and it hurts me. I think about what she's done and it hurts me. Right now I'm hurting a lot. I'm lonely and busy and I miss my wife and my best friend, so I've probably been focusing too much on her and slipping back into "I wish things were..." mode.

It's difficult to see her in pain and feel like she's reaching out to me for help, and to not do anything. She still cries a lot. BUT, I am extremely unemotional around her. I listen and validate and comfort, but my emotions are turned off. I welcome her emotions and am guarded with my own.

I do feel I can easily be replaced from an emotional needs perspective (insecurity).

What exactly are you afraid of? You stated that she may never open up to you again but that isn't the answer.

I'm not so sure. I'm afraid I'll never get her back, and the crazy part is I'm so upset with her it would be difficult for me to accept her back. But I would go through the work to do it.

What are you afraid of in your life if this happens?
What happens if your fear comes true?

A lifetime full of regret.

Boundaries - They are set up to protect you. Which boundaries are you looking to set up? No touching, no flirting, no leading on, etc... What is the consequence you are willing to enforce (no communication, etc...)?

I feel like I should set up boundaries that protect both of us. Like I said before, back rubs, cuddling, ML...those types of things would have to stop if one of us were to get involved with another person. So both of us miss and are seeking intimacy with someone who we love and are attracted to, but are setting ourselves up for pain and disappointment if and when someone else comes into the picture.

I DO feel like she's cake eating. The following isn't a fair assessment, but to summarize the last 18 months:

• She told me I had to move out because my problems were too bad and she was done.
• OM was discovered.
• I was told she wanted to work on things with me, but she still needed space and time to process things.
• I moved out.
• She begins contact with OM again.
• I explicitly set the terms of our marriage.
• She breaks those terms, though she doesn't know that *I* know this.
• She strung me and the kids along until she felt she could handle herself financially.
• She divorced me.

That doesn't paint her in a very good light, I don't think it represents her as a person, and there's a LOT more to it than that (of course), but that's what transpired.

But here's the quagmire. If she's testing things out. If she's flirting and wanting contact for the REAL THING, then those boundaries get in the way. So maybe I don't WANT to set boundaries because I'm afraid it'll send the message that her advances aren't wanted, which isn't true if they are REAL.

But I need to do what's right, not make decisions based upon unrealistic possibilities that may be detrimental and hurtful.

-PM