"You don't even realize you said it, that is the bad part H, I had to tell you what you said was wrong or hurt my feelings or made me feel like same old behavior"
"you're controlling"
"you're trying to manipulate me" <<< this is always said after I try to express my feelings even if I am not trying to manipulate her or try to change the way she feels. I might just trying to express my view of the sitch (comment sitch for example)
"I will never trust you again" referring to me breaking into email 2 plus years ago
"I feel like youre a third kid, need to pick up after you and take care of you" No clue where this comes from. I do laundry, watch kids, make beds, clean, cook on grill, after traveling 90 miles a day to provide for family
PON, Your wife sounds like she's projecting on to you her thoughts about herself and maybe what her parents said to her a long time ago. I would have to say something like this, "wife, I'm sorry you feel the way that you do, but for now, I need to have some time to think about what you have said and we'll talk some more later." Walk away then and table the discussion until both of you have calmed down enough to discuss it in a calm manner.
People in mlc project a whole lot and most of it is about them and most of the time it's about what they think of themselves. I know it's difficult to swallow, but in many instances, you can't take the stuff they say too personally or you'll go nuts. Listen to what TV and T2 have said in their postings.
You've got a great support system here and in the real world. If you are not sure what to say, table the conversation and walk away, try not to take their bait. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
PON, That's why you have to shut down the conversation and walk away. She knows exactly which buttons to push. If you tell her that you are sorry she feels that way and leave it be, it will tend to confuse her because you aren't coming back at her with comments.
It's difficult to swallow, but you can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If I'm defending myself that means she is attacking me and that is non productive
So don't worry about "productivity" right now (this is tough for me as well).
"She demands a D."
- "I'm sorry you feel that way. If you want to file I won't stand in your way, but I am not leaving my kids and house."
"You haven't changed"
- "I am sorry you don't see the changes, they are there being worked on, though not complete yet"
"Its just how you are"
- "I am not sure I understand that, can you tell me more?" (and let her run with it, as TVS said, there will be a lot of crap, but little nuggets of truth too, one time my W couldn't answer that, only "I don't know", she hasn't said it much since)
"You don't even realize you said it, that is the bad part H, I had to tell you what you said was wrong or hurt my feelings or made me feel like same old behavior"
- "I am sorry I hurt you, I didn't intend to, I am working on my communication skills, and I DO need you to let me know when I do this until I get better at it " sorta thing, because you can't read her mind
"you're controlling"
- see my post above
"you're trying to manipulate me" <<< this is always said after I try to express my feelings even if I am not trying to manipulate her or try to change the way she feels. I might just trying to express my view of the sitch (comment sitch for example)
- She doesn't see it this way, your feelings and thoughts on the sitch..here you have to be honest with yourself...many times I "thought" I wasn't trying to manipulate the sitch or W, but later I realized that, yes, I was still trying to control the outcome...I would try to keep those comments to a minimum necessary, and REALLY discern IF they are necessary right now. Away from her, really try to see things from her point of view, I found it enlightening.
- "I'm sorry you see it that way"
"I will never trust you again" referring to me breaking into email 2 plus years ago
- "Yes, broken trust is hard to rebuild" Leave it open like this...
"I feel like youre a third kid, need to pick up after you and take care of you" No clue where this comes from. I do laundry, watch kids, make beds, clean, cook on grill, after traveling 90 miles a day to provide for family
- Ask for specifics, then "I will try to do better there". If she can't come up with any, then just say "let me know when you think of things, maybe write them down on a honey-do for me..." -I will say this...my W is similar to yours being SAHM, mid-life, looks changing, hormonal changes, etc, so what I have learned is tat she was saying she was burned out, and me coming around looking for ANY attention, whatever, made her feel like I was another kid, and, that her feelings of not being a good enough mother played into all this...so silly things like me asking "Hey, is this garbage ready to go out?" felt like, TO HER, another demand, pressure...and back then I was a "nice guy", doing nice things and wanting recognition, rewards, praise , etc...now I just do what needs done because it needs done...I look inside for any praise, etc. Whether laundry, car maintenance, etc, ME not looking for validation for doing just what needs done from W has really helped her change that "another kid" view of me and pressure off her. She views me as a "man" now/again, per her.
So these are just some ideas, take what may work, toss the rest...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"I don't want to talk about the marriage, I am done, my feelings haven't changed about you, I am all done, I just want out"
- "I'm sorry you feel that way. If you want to file I won't stand in your way, but I am not leaving my kids and house. I'm going to go do X if you have nothing more right now"
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
