Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

I can't even begin to fathom the idea that some how my W fell out of love with me long before the BD....

I still can't fathom this either especially since I got such loving cards, letters, emails from my H that would have never led me to believe that. Its tough. And I look at some of that stuff and wonder when did the love die. Nothing is different from the beginning to the end. Ugh!

my W and I barely speak (no kids between us) we txt back and forth every few weeks and that's it.

I have kids and get probably even less than you do, and if you have read any of my sitch the hurtful actions continue and get worse daily...I hope "THAT" dies a natural death soon. I can't take being emotionally battered at every twist and turn...especially when I am not providing any reasons for it to continue.

Thank you N72 and Portia, I know I am not alone, and others are right here with me, but it doesn't help me get a handle on things emotionally. I guess I am just an emotional baby. Where does one find the strength to pull themselves together emotionally? Maybe something I need to work out with a counselor.

On a more positive note. My GAL activities and alone time are going along good. I have plenty of things planned with and without children to keep myself busy and going for quite awhile. I am comfortable with being alone, and no longer feel the "need" to be with someone, although I would "want" someone.

My boys are doing okay. I see them getting more and more detached from "H". They have also been calling him out on little things that he does. I am trying to boost their confidence because it seems H is ripping apart their souls too. May not be very DB worthy, but I told them that the really need to speak up for themselves and each other.

Today I did some praying...mainly for a second chance to put my family back together. I see a lot of things I could have done better as a wife, but I also see a lot of things H could have done better as a husband. I know the old H and even myself could have done better, just really thinking that it is too late for both of us.

So much to work through still....