Sure you speak, how much depends on your goal with the talk...if it's to push for resolution now, then say your peace, allow for her response (if any) and go about your business elsewhere.
If it's to get her to maybe open up a bit, then if she dodges your questions or statements (truth darts), and changes subject, etc, just roll with it and ask her to tell you more, etc. when it feels like enough (she will most likely give clues when she has) or you feel YOU have had enough, then end it with something lite and FRIENDLY such as "it was good checking in with you, I'll be in the garage working on X if you want to talk more" sorta thing and leave the room.
Remember "The Power of STFU"...the art of silence is very powerful in discussions..especially if you tend to go on and on trying to get some sort of resolution or such like I do/did...
Here's some tips I posted on my thread for myself:
Madelyn Burley-Allen offers these guidelines for empathic listening:
--Be attentive. Be interested. Be alert and not distracted. Create a positive atmosphere through nonverbal behavior. --Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical manner. --Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the impression you are "grilling" the speaker. --Act like a mirror -- reflect back what you think the speaker is saying and feeling. --Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better tomorrow." --Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get involved in an argument, or pass judgment on the other person. --Indicate you are listening by: ----Providing brief, noncommittal acknowledging responses, e.g., "Uh-huh," "I see." ----Giving nonverbal acknowledgements, e.g., head nodding, facial expressions matching the speaker, open and relaxed body expression, eye contact. ----Invitations to say more, e.g., "Tell me about it," "I'd like to hear about that." --Follow good listening "ground rules:" Don't interrupt. Don't change the subject or move in a new direction. Don't rehearse in your own head. Don't interrogate. Don't teach. Don't give advice. Do reflect back to the speaker what you understand and how you think the speaker feels.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
How do I address my main pressing issue. That she completely withdrew over a comment I made, did not bring up comment to me until several weeks after it was made (and trip to bahamas) and hasn't spoke to me for 2 months about the issue. Don't you find that behavior odd.
I do understand detaching completely. But I feel to make progress a communication channel needs to be opened
I know it can be tough to not defend yourself, especially if there is spew.
And that is what they do... They will mix together nit picking nonsense (my tacos were "bland" last week lol!) with some things that have bits of truth. Sift through what she's telling you.
If she escalates, I say walk away. My H started to get belligerent during a big talk we had in January. I told him, "I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. We'll talk another time." And turned around and went upstairs. He tried to bait me back by yelling "Oh, I guess you're such a bigger person." I just kept on walking.
What do you think, T?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Some examples from MY own issues, and please bear in mind I did let my W vent her anger and frustration at/with me, walked the very fine line between being a caring, compassionate human and a doormat, usually being both:
"I see now how how I was can be seen as controlling, I never intended to be controlling, but I get it now that I was, I am truly sorry, I am working on that because it was wrong for me"
"Really? Hmm, I don't remember it quite the same way, explain more please, because if I did X then I want to work on fixing that"
" You are using the words always and never, can you help me understand why there weren't any times where I didn't do X from your point of view"
"I'm sorry you see it that way"
etc.
In my sitch, walking that line and letting her vent her anger and such eventually she burned herself and it out...that was a time from hEll, to be sure, but it was survivable.
Now, can you give me specific examples from your sitch and her "YOU statements" ?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
""I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. We'll talk another time." And turned around and went upstairs. He tried to bait me back by yelling "Oh, I guess you're such a bigger person." I just kept on walking. "
perfect.
PON, this ^^^ is what you say and do when she won't de-escalate, goes too far, etc.
What I said when I had had enough T-bashing, but W wasn't in spew-mode, was something like " You know, this has been a lot to take in, and I really need to process it, so I am done for now. Let's talk later/another time". And I left casually, friendly to go do a project, play guitar, whatever.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
