I would appreciate feedback good or bad. I just feel it is time to have a conversation. Not necessarily R talk but we need to speak. I might send her email from home when kids goto bed and tell her I'll be back down to discuss if she wants. The lack of communication around the house is not healthy for the kids. At the end of the day there is no way that 2 months should have passed on such a minor issue. It is obvious that there is more deep down hurt to be resolved.
If you go with #2, you must be prepared to follow through with whatever comes of it...MC, etc, or D. If you don't, she'll never respect you again most likely. Do you have L lined-up, AND some possible MCs ?
Have you gotten at least an informational consult with a L, so you know what you will be dealing with in your state/province? In my sitch, it made some difference when I said "When I talked to my L back a while ago, to find out what is REALLY involved with a D, we will be doing X, Y, Z, the courts will A, B, C, etc"
I also had some MC possibilities in hand (such as the IC we both used back in 2011, etc).
The point is, coming to the table with hard info maybe signaled that I was serious, getting close to the my limit, etc. My W was a SAHM as well, so I get what is going on in the house for you some (and yes, her getting a job has helped a lot, opened her eyes to how the world outside of the home works a bit).
You have to be ready to follow through, PON, either way it goes. FWIW, I chose #1 for most of the last couple years to some success, she is still here and trying to come out of the tunnel. At end of April she got frustrated or something and ran back in to wanting D, so that's when I switched to #2...she asked for more time (indirectly, of course, lol) so back to #1, though she knows I talked again with a L (this time to be the initiator of D), and believes I will follow through should I get to the "enough" point and don't see any progress/effort with our R. And she has been trying, so D filing is on hold.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to show one way of many it might play out...
What does YOUR gut/intuition say about how to proceed? T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T2. I've done #1 for 3 years. She has come back and gone 2x. First time because I snooped her phone when I felt she had lied to me and found out about OM hitting on her. The 2nd time (2 months ago) because my comment about taking kids to vacation house when she is at her concert was smothering or old behavior.
Yes I have seen many L's. I live in a no fault state and a state that favors mothers on child visitiation. (blows)
My gut is telling me I can't live in silence or in conflict avoidance mode any longer. We need to have some sort of communication about everything.
I have been praying to higher power all day. My gut says to send her a message after kids in bed and see how she responds and be prepared for the worst. yes if she asks for D I know I have to follow through with it or I lose all power and respect...
hell maybe i'll post the message I've written here:
----
I want to begin to work on bringing our marriage back to a healthy state. I've come to understand we both didn't have the greatest role models when it comes to resolving problems and conflict. I do know we both have to start communicating and not sitting in silence with unresolved problems.
To me working on a marriage is more then having s ex again, brushing unresolved issues under the rug, and waiting for me to make a mistake, or to fail a test.
WIFE I want to try something new. A conversation with each other where we both calmly speak and we both truly listen to each other.
I want to begin to work on bringing our marriage back to a healthy state. I've come to understand we both didn't have the greatest role models when it comes to resolving problems and conflict. I do know we both have to start communicating and not sitting in silence with unresolved problems.
To me working on a marriage is more then having s ex again, brushing unresolved issues under the rug, and waiting for me to make a mistake, or to fail a test.
WIFE I want toLet's try something new. A conversation with each other where we both calmly speak and we both truly listen to each other. How can we start getting there?
Just a couple edits off the top of my head, how I might say it, but your mileage may vary...the vets can give better input.
Her indirectly asking for more time was pretty much: "we don't have to decide anything right now or this summer" sorta thing.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
PON, if your W is MLC, always try to remember to keep discussions, emails, etc, short, to the point, not too complicated, mlc'ers tend to not be able to handle too much info, from what I've read here and experienced with my W...a point it took me a long time to get and remember...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2 thanks. I'm truly not sure what my W is. She is 42,SAHM, who WAS married to a terrible H (me). She is definitely a hormonal stress ball.
Thanks for the tip. Like I said my goal is not necessarily R talk. Just need to stop fearing talking to her because of D word. I truly appreciate the feedback.
I always feel like I'm scared of rocking the boat and that isn't healthy either.
for example, I might go home and she being nice to me so I won't bring it up etc..
my W used those phrases as distancing tactics, I believe (though she really didn't have those feelings for me). Those feelings MIGHT be hidden under all the depression and such, but who knows...
Anyway, don't take the bait...just say "I am sorry you feel that way, that must be tough" sorta thing and let them roll off your back.
I would approach this discussion as a "truth dart" with the intent of cracking the ice just a bit...if my W is any example, it took (and still takes) a while for the discussion, new information and such to be processed by her (as in weeks, not hours).
If you go here, go in with no expectations, try to judge where she is at, keep it short, simple and do NOT get sucked into any spin, distancing tactics, attempts to prove the validity of her feelings or that you haven't changed, etc by you REACTING and defending yourself...most likely she will try hard to do so if I understand your sitch at all.
If you have any doubts about your ability to remain calm, cool, detached, then sit quietly and wait until you can (yes, I learned this the hard way), or something changes. Little is lost by waiting "just a little bit more"...
Just my 2.5 cents...good luck T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
