Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

MrBond,

I did read your post, and thanks for your advice.

I just needed to get things off my mind, and during the day for 11 hours, i work alone with nothing but my thoughts.

Sometimes, writing/typing thoughts help clear my head.

[shouldistillhope]

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary. My D will be final in exactly one month. I guess i don't feel any angst or urge to text or call her to wish her one more happy anniversary.

Unfortunately, it looks like there will not be a tenth with her.
Not really feeling anything either way about it now i guess.

I think i have come to the understanding that if i were to wish her happy anniversary, it would not do my sitch any good, so i am not going to.

Hope everyone has a good day.

[BKS]

Shouldistillhope,

I know how hard this is for you. Most all of us have gone through the same thing you are going through right now. I know its hard to believe that the Sandi's 37 rules might actually help you right now because they are counter intuitive. You heart is telling you to keep pursuing your S but, that is the exact thing that is pushing her farther away.

Sometimes we come on here and seem a little harsh about peoples situations. I think the VETS know that sometimes we need a smack upside the head to get our attention. I know I needed a couple. Its not meant to be cruel its to get your attention so you can accept what is actually happening. Our marriages are in grave danger, all of our marriages. That is why we are here.

Live your life that way with that understanding. It will make your 180's GAL and DBing more effective and easier. It will also help you heal your emotions faster too.

That is not to say give up on your efforts. Lovingly detach and act as if you are moving forward with your life regardless if your S does finalize the D or not. Either way, you have to move forward whether you are getting D or your marriage is reconciled.

I know this because I did the same thing. What I found is that when I LEARNED and LIVED by Sandi's 37 rules, something positive happened. I stopped pushing her farther away. Thats not to say she has become closer to getting back together with me. She is simply not moving farther away.

It seems you need to lower your expectations to zero. She is leaving you because of the person you are being right now. Thats not to say your a bad person. Just the opposite. You obviously love her very much.

Be that guy she fell in love with when you two were first dating. Be that guy, only better, even if you are just acting AsIf (see Sandi's 37 rules). It will get easier the more you do it.

So, if pursuing her is pushing her away (and it is), STOP pursuing her! Do the 180. Read Sandi's 37 rules everyday. Live those rules as closely as possible. Its the only chance you will have to get her back. She doesnt like how your acting right now so stop acting that way.

I know you are scared and lonely, we all are. You have to trust that DBing is you best chance to get her back but there is no gaurantee. REMEMBER- She is not going flip a switch and just love you again right now. She cant do that because of the strong feelings she is experiencing right now. It takes a long time. BE PATIENT!

Also, if you are DBing just to get her back, IT WONT WORK! She will see right through that. If we can see it, SHE definately can. Make all changes for YOU! For the rest of your life. Not for HER. You will be physically and emotionally better off which ever way your M goes. I know its hard because I still have a hard time with it. There is so much at stake here. Give the DBing and Sandi's 37 rules your best shot. That way, if she still decides to D, you know you did everything you could to stop the D. Stay Strong!

She is not trying to fix your M so stop worrying about what she is doing and start worrying about what youre doing. Stop doing things that push her away and start doing things that will halt her from withdrawing anymore.

Do you have a printed copy of Sandi's 37 rules. If not, you can find them in the Newcomers forum. Learn them and live them. They will help.

I hope this helps you in some way. I pray for you and everyone who finds themselves here. I pray that we will all find a satisfying resolution to our R.

[BKS]

Shouldistillhope,

My 10th year anniversary is coming up in less than a month too. I am sorry you and I are not able to share them with our S. I know its hard but, keep the PMA going.

Sounds like your detaching is going well. Keep it up. Stay strong.

BKS

[shouldistillhope]

BKS,

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.

Anniversary came and went and it definitely helped to keep myself busy so i didn't become tempted to text or call W.

I didn't expect any type of communication from W either, so by keeping my expectations at zero was good for me.

I have been telling myself that i will start working out harder and get in amazing shape, but i seem to keep putting it off, or i start for a few days then fall into the same routine of getting off work and going back to sisters house and just having a couple drinks. I know this is not good, and i will start taking better care of myself.

Going to try a new workout routine on Monday.

I am very happy with myself so far with regards to not initiating any contact with W at all. I dont call or text her unless it has something to do with the kids. I am not saying it is or isn't working, i believe it is too early for that, but at least that is something i am able to stick too.

Take care.

[ALF213]

Sticking to a workout routine is hard, even without being in a difficult situation. Starting a new workout is always a good idea to get out of a slump. Trying writing down your workouts, and keep track of the days you worked out. Its easy to miss a couple days and then want to give up. Marking days on a calendar can help. Keep stock of how many times you worked out that month. If you keep track daily or weekly, it can be easy to get derailed/discouraged. By keeping track monthly, if you have one off week, it doesn't seem so bad because you had three good weeks.

Good job sticking to the kids only contact.

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks ALF,

The calendar is a good idea to help me keep track of my progress. When i was in ic my counselor told me to set some goals and had me sign a piece of paper after i wrote them all down.

I quit IC that evening. I had a lot of anger at my sitch then, and i felt that he had done absolutely nothing to help me and my W when we were seeing him for M counseling.

Like i have said before, i moved in with my sister and BIL and it just happens that he is also a counselor. He actually recommeded this other counselor to my W and i when we tried M counseling.

Since i am now living with a counselor, i get the chance nightly to have someone to talk to about all this.

Do any of you have any luck with IC? I suppose for some it works and some it doesn't. One thing i did find out was you really need to research a M counselor even if he comes recommended by others.

[BKS]

I go to an IC and it has helped me deal with what is happening with my marital crisis. I did not go there with the understanding that he was going to fix my marriage. I went there for myself to help me cope with the intense emotions that I had experienced due to my WAS.

It has helped me understand what is going on with my WAS and re-enforced that my DBing is the best way to survive the MLC/WAS. Our M may not survive but, I will move forward in a positive direction and I have become a better man, father and potential husband. That is the goal here. The bonus would be that my wife will see these things too and will choose to reconcile.

This forum, the books- DB and DR and my IC/MC helped me more than I thought they could in dealing with my WAS and what she is going through. They also helped me understand that this is not my fault, just my problem.

I did not have many people that I could talk to about my situation and my IC/MC was a valuable outlet to vent in that respect. He is helping me understand how to better communicate with my wife too.

To those who may be seeking an IC or MC, talk to your pastor at church. If you dont have a church, now would be a good time to find one. The church can refer you to an IC/MC that is pro marriage. Sometimes at a substantial discount. Its worth the phone call.

My .02 cents

BKS

[shouldistillhope]

Hey everyone,

Looks like i am in the final few weeks until my D is final. Been sticking to the no contact really well. The only time i see STBX is when my oldest son has baseball games. She will contact me regarding things about the remodel on our house to get it on the market, other than that, not much contact from her.

Last night i went back home for S7 baseball game and stopped at our house to fix up a few things in bathroom. W has been very cold when she sees me but she seemed especially down last night. I asked her how her work day went and she said "crappy" I then asked her what happened to make it crappy and she said they were understaffed at her job and things were very hectic. I didn't offer anything other than a "that must be hard to deal with" She didn't say anything else so i dropped it.

I made an appointment with a former pastor of mine whom i consider to be a very close friend as well. We played softball together when we were younger and i respect him a great deal. I want to talk with him about some GAL activities and my sitch a little bit. At some point, I would like to help others who are in this situation or are thinking about divorce by telling them the hard road they would have to travel and maybe get them to work on their marriage instead of thinking divorce is the easy way out. I wish our counselors had done this for us. I think the metting with the pastor will help me get started on this.

Maybe some day i can be an inspiration for others to fight for their marriage. I can't think of anything more fulfilling right now other than raising my kids to help me GAL.

Wish me luck!

[shouldistillhope]

I ended up going back to home last night for S7 baseball game. Wife wanted me to stop over to discuss what realtor told her about some things we needed to finish up to sell our house. There was quite a list of things that needed to be finished which i was aware of.

W started in on me asking me when i can get all these things finished. She wants the house on the market by July 1. My life right now has pretty much revolved around work and then finishing up the rest of the house. It doesn't leave much time for my kids.

I asked her for her help. There were some items that she could be doing to help and for the last 3 weeks she has promised to get them finished, yet every time i go back none of it is done. She then tried to start an argument with me about how i said that she is not pulling her weight (i never said anything close to this) and i just stood there and listened and didn't interrupt her once. When she got done shouting at me i looked her in the eyes and said "i am not going to discuss this with you anymore until we can have a calm conversation. I do not wish to discuss this anymore until we can be civil.

After things calmed down, S7 said "now i can see that you two aren't getting along" I felt horrible that he was listening. W then left to bring S7 to his game while I stayed and played with S4 until the game actually started and then we went to game also.

Up until that point, and after the game, W and i were getting along really well but the time before game was a bit toxic. After the game W said "I need you to stop over at the house, the settlement papers are there and you should look them over and see if you agree with everything."

I stopped over after the game and she gave me a copy of the paperwork. I then looked at my boys and said "Dad is really sorry that you had to hear the disagreement between your mom and I and it shouldn't have happened. I also told W that I was sorry if she thought i insinuated that she wasn't pulling her weight. She said absolutely nothing back.

I walked out to the driveway and S4 decided to go out and help W water the plants. I hugged kids and told them how much i loved them and before i got in my truck i told W that i preferred that we try our best not to get into arguments any longer, that i would like it if we can at least be civil to each other. Again, she did not say a word.

I am finding out more and more everyday that my marriage will not be saved at this point. She has mentioned a handful of times that there is a possibility of us dating again in the future if she sees true changes in me, but that is something that is hard to swallow because it seems like she doesn't think she needs to change at all.

I mentioned to her that i hope someday she could sit down and look back and realize that she also caused part of this. Her response was "I already have" and "you even said that you caused most of this"

That is the only hope i have right now, that she realizes that it's not just me that caused all these problems and until she comes to that conclusion, i don't ever see a future together.

I want to thank everyone for their help and advice up to this point, but i guess it now comes down to waiting until July 12 to roll around and keep on becoming the best dad/man i can become.