He does not care, does not want me. OK, fine. I'll live. Not happy about it but I will be fine.
But WHY can't I just then kick him out of my thoughts and mind? I can pretend that he misses me but the only one missing anybody is me missing him. And I want it to stop. Right now.
B & Portia it's all about going thru stages.. and that's all your doing.. it's hitting you in waves and your just at a low part of that wave of emotion. I am right there with you. I can't even begin to fathom the idea that some how my W fell out of love with me long before the BD.... We (or so I thought) were rock solid.. other than some ups and downs, which were way less than most relationships.. there should have been no reason to end it. I had one of my worst weekends just the past week.. I don't know why?? it's been a long time since the BD.. my W and I barely speak (no kids between us) we txt back and forth every few weeks and that's it.. I get the odd "I miss the good times" stuff like that. The point is that this is all normal... it's all part of the feelings you get in a WAS/MLC situation. If you two had been fighting for years and were both unhappy.. then the separation would have been expected and easier to deal with. So basically what I am saying is let the emotions run thru you, and then get rid of them. Don't fight them. I did for months and it does more damage than good. Grieving helps the healing process and allows you to be a better and stronger person. This site has accelerated my healing process a lot. It's all the LBS can do.. so why fight it? Make YOU a better YOU!
The way I look at it is this... I got to experience TRUE love with someone. We had 9 amazing years..most people go thru life and never get that. Celebrate the love you had with your MLC before the BD, and use that positive energy to rebuild yourself.
I am not giving up.. but I am not holding on either.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I can't even begin to fathom the idea that some how my W fell out of love with me long before the BD....
I still can't fathom this either especially since I got such loving cards, letters, emails from my H that would have never led me to believe that. Its tough. And I look at some of that stuff and wonder when did the love die. Nothing is different from the beginning to the end. Ugh!
Quote:
my W and I barely speak (no kids between us) we txt back and forth every few weeks and that's it.
I have kids and get probably even less than you do, and if you have read any of my sitch the hurtful actions continue and get worse daily...I hope "THAT" dies a natural death soon. I can't take being emotionally battered at every twist and turn...especially when I am not providing any reasons for it to continue.
Thank you N72 and Portia, I know I am not alone, and others are right here with me, but it doesn't help me get a handle on things emotionally. I guess I am just an emotional baby. Where does one find the strength to pull themselves together emotionally? Maybe something I need to work out with a counselor.
On a more positive note. My GAL activities and alone time are going along good. I have plenty of things planned with and without children to keep myself busy and going for quite awhile. I am comfortable with being alone, and no longer feel the "need" to be with someone, although I would "want" someone.
My boys are doing okay. I see them getting more and more detached from "H". They have also been calling him out on little things that he does. I am trying to boost their confidence because it seems H is ripping apart their souls too. May not be very DB worthy, but I told them that the really need to speak up for themselves and each other.
Today I did some praying...mainly for a second chance to put my family back together. I see a lot of things I could have done better as a wife, but I also see a lot of things H could have done better as a husband. I know the old H and even myself could have done better, just really thinking that it is too late for both of us.
So much to work through still....
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
BRNR, it is not too late. I was just re-reading the Divorce Busting last night and here is the quote in the chapter 6 “Take stock”: “You need to feel hope. While it’s true that there are no guarantees about the future, if things don’t work out the way you hope, you’ll deal with it then. For now, think positively. Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy is very powerful phenomenon.”
I have to remind these to myself all the time.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks BF. I hear those words....feel hope. I want to feel hope, I just don't anymore. I don't know why either.
Just had a little bit of a bad moment with S14. I see he is so much like me emotionally...he punishes himself when things don't go "right". I just had to remind myself that he is a growing teenager. I was probably a little hard on him...just want him to communicate better with me. I told him as much but was very firm, and not loving enough. I caught on of this by the end and apologized. He really is a good kid.
I really don't know where to go from here. Was reading another thread and saw that a type of MLC'er is called a vanisher. Self explanatory. I think if we had no kids my H would be completely gone (not that he isn't already). Not sure if that is comforting or hurtful. Anyone every see this type of MLC'er come around and work things out with their spouses? I am not sure of the types or probabilities of reconciled relationships based on types matter, but am curious. Guess maybe some research to gain some insight might be in order. But a positive story, if someone has it might be helpful and hopeful to me.
So going to bed.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Her post is on page 2. Here is an excerpt from it: “Over the next two years things seemed hopeless...I messed up a lot...found this place but still messed up here and there...H cut off contact with his kids and me...it was pretty bad...he would go 6 months with out a word...we didn't know if he was dead or alive most of the time...it was hell on all of us”.
Hope this helps. Hang in there.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks BF-I breezed through some of imLin's threads..definitely gave me a spark of hope. Thank you so much for finding this for me.
So feeling better today. Not sure why, but it definitely is a good thing. I also feel more focused on everything. Work, kids, my sitch.
Have a great day everyone...oh, and I am soo behind on reading some of my favorite threads from other posters. Not that I have much to offer, but I do chime in now and again. Once I catch up I will at least try to say Hi.
Hope everyone has a positive day!!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
MLC takes 2-5 years--and can go as long as 7. BUT that does not start from that horrible day you found out--when he didn't come home. That day is called Bomb Drop. Bomb Drop usually occurs 50-75% of the way through his MLC. You now need to look back at the past few years and determine the actual start date.
Would the vets agree or disagree on this?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
BRNR, Generally, a person begins the crisis approximately 18-24 months, or even longer, prior to the Bomb Drop (BD). That's why they can be so detached when they make the announcement and can appear to have moved on long before we do. Once you are detached and can look at things objectively, you can actually go reflect back on the time prior to the BD and can see where the person had begun to change.
The changes could be diet, music, paying off bills that they normally wouldn't do, cleaning out their closets, garages, sheds, etc. Why they could even purchase new vehicles in put them in their name only. They may refer to friends or co-workers who are having marriage issues. They become interested in people who are divorcing and they become interested in primping, exercising, jogging, things that they normally wouldn't have previously. They may even talk about separating/divorcing couples that you know, they become obsessed w/other people and talk about them all of the time. The OP may not even be aware that they are the topics of conversation. Things change gradually and that's why you don't notice the changes until the bomb drops and all h@ll breaks loose.
I tend to agree w/the 50%, but that doesn't mean it's half over because it will take as long as it takes for them to get through it and then you have to deal with the settling down at the end of the crisis which will take just as long as the leading up to it, if they opt to come home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In my case BD came relatively early, but I am far from sure that my xh isn't having a second MLC!
He had what I can now see was severe depression in March 2003, and was quite ill in December 2003, the time that my mother (who he was very fond of) became terminally ill.
My mother died early in 2005, and his behaviour changed in July 2005 - I can almost put my finger on the day I became aware of it. BD was October 2005 and he has been in MLC ever since. Total personality change.
I don't think there was a seven and a half year run up to this! More like 2.5 years.
I think my xh is very conflicted at present. He wants his family back (they aren't being very co-operative on this one), and appears to have little idea of how much time has passed, or what he has done in the intervening period.
The relationship with second OW (the first one was a real bunny boiler!) appears strange, I haven't met her, in spite of being invited to dinner (you can't make MLC stuff up) I suspect she has little idea of how much my xh is pursuing me. All I can say is that in her case i wouldn't like it, and i do not encourage it. They met after we were divorced, and as far as I am concerned she is doing nothing wrong. Doesn't mean I want to hang out with her and my xh though.
Although i still feel sadness at time, the pain does go away, and we can look at these strange, strange people with their weird ways of dealing with life.
I suspect that with encouragement I could have him back . . . . but I am not sure his crisis is over, or that I like who he currently is. it will take more than a few invitations to dinner to convince me that all is well in xh-world. I would also want to see fair dealing with OW2. Because we were once married I am not entitled, in my view, to get involved with him while he are with someone else. So I keep the whole thing at arms length.
We don't have the surreal conversations that URworthy has with her xh, nor is my xh anything like as mean, nasty or absent as he was (He surfaced occasionally to spew at us all for about 4 years, not one of the better parts of MLC) but I do feel whenever we talk that we are inhabiting parallel strands of reality.
