No more games- suckerpunch

[swoop]

Thank you, JP.

I am really trying to do some deep introspection. I never realized that I should be more in tune with some of my, for lack of a better word, issues. It is difficult even trying to figure out why I feel a certain way, then coming to the revelation that it's a problem, let alone coming up with permanent solutions on how to better myself....I am definitly getting a good strong look at myself tho. I KNOW that I will come out of this a better person. I feel whole heartedly that I would be a much better husband today....But, I guess time will only show HOW much better.

I am not really sure if I will ever come to peace with wifes decisions or actions. I know that several people on here have. I also know that others never really do. I have a few of those types of people in my immeditate circle of friends and family. I do not wish to end up like them. They are bitter, resentful and down right unhappy. They also tend to stereotype and judge all individuals. I hope with all my heart I don't become one of them, but I am not sure I can deal with this breakup....completely, without understanding "why".

[swoop]

I have been having a decent day. Back to my summer work schedule, suns shining. Wife was out detialing her car right in the front of the business. So, I stopped and sparked up a small conversation. It was going well, so at the end I said, "hey, daughter and I wanted to check out that new sushi place tomorrow. Would you like to join us?". Her answer was, " a friend is having a Mary K party, and I am going to that". I mentioned that it was our anniversary, and she mentioned that she didn't forget the date. I said, "well it's worth remembering", and away I went....choked up...was full of expectations and it bit me on the hiney. I tried to act as if, but I am sure there was visable hurt in my face. I haven't put an offer out there in a while and I start by doing a spur of the moment date offer? I don't even know what I expected. Regardless, We have been growing farther and farther apart. Wife is dating. She is starting a new life that I probably wouldn't fit into now, even if we did reconcile. She isn't coming back and it is time for me to really get that through my thick skull. I think maybe it is time for me to go as dark as possible. It's just too much on me, and I can't detach or hold no expectations when I engage her.

[MrCAS]

I don't claim to have all the answers. What I can tell you is that you need to kill these inner demons that control you. There is something that fuels the anger inside you.

My anger was like a constant pilot light... It could turn something that should have been a 3 on the PO scale to an 8 in a heartbeat.

I tackled the the two biggest demons I had. It really brought up some seriously painful memories. However, bringing this evil to the light takes away it's power. Every time I talk about them, their power grows less and less.

Am I over this stuff? Nope. Will I ever be? I don't think so. What I have done is accepted the fact that these things happened and that they will never happen again. These people can no longer hurt me. I did nothing to deserve what they did.

Closure? It is a fallacy. A myth. It lives next door to the Unicorn holding the overdrive gear for a 1954 Corvette.

[MrCAS]

Just read your last post...

I have an anniversary coming up. My W's B-Day just passed.

I used to make her a mime for her FB page for her B-Day. I still made her one this year but sent it to her phone instead. It tells her that I was thinking about her but didn't blare out to the world "See? I remembered her birthday even thugh she didn't acknowledge mine!"

That would have been score keeping. Nobody wins that game.

[swoop]

Ya, I am beginning to think that I will never have closure, never really get past this....That is scary. I want more than anything to just be happy, to forget, to do whatever it takes to not focus on it anymore. I want to be free from it. Unfortunately, anything and everything seems to remind me about my failed marriage. I am sure it is that way for most, if not all, of us.

I look at wife, totally considering our marriage to be a negative, not worth saving, not worth even trying, needing to get out, needing to move on. Then, I see her actually DOING it! Today, my daughter spoke openly about spending time with OM...and HIS mother. Wife has literally met his family and introduced them into my daughters life already, at least at some level. On one hand I admire her ability to disconnect and just do what she has set out to do. On the other hand, I feel like "how can she just move on and start all these new realtionships and friendships with total disregard to our 12 years together". I know that she was obviously unhappy, but STILL. How can she be able to do it with such conviction. It amazes me. It scares me too. Wife was the ONE person that I thought really cared and loved me. I really thought that. Now here I am just spinning. It makes me feel like, how can I ever trust anyone with my heart again, if this person that I thought for 12 years loved me with all of her own and suddenly seemwed to throw it all away. How can I trust anyone at that level again....ever.....

[swoop]

After todays discussion, and me inviting her to dinner, her declining without any sign of sadness or anything....that will be the end of the anniversary celebrations. It's dead. I won't address it again.

Who knows, maybe she declined to give me some closure. I know she has mentioned that she doesn't like hurting me. Maybe it was her way of being kind...

[jp787]

SP.
I feel weird giving advice as I don't seem to heed the advice given to me all the time... Maybe writing you will help me too.

What I see in you is that you are tore between how to live in your current sitch. You still want your W, yet holding on to her is too hard. URworthy has told me several times to put my M in a safe box and put it away, so that I can focus on me. I really think that is something you may want to try.

For me I can start to get focus on what I need, go to gym, time with D's, work on things that I want to do and feel, OK. Then... W come into the picture, she text, she is around, something and I turn into a little puppy. My emotions and thoughts flood me with how much I love her, I place her on her pedestal and all my focus goes to her. What happened to what I was doing, who am I, IDK, nor do I can, my W is there and giving me attention (crumbs) and I eat it up. Maybe I don't act like a little puppy anymore, but that is what happens in my head.

So maybe it isn't quite like that for you, but I would dare to guess there is some of that for you and if like me, after your mind goes to your W, it is hard and slow getting back to yourself.

I am extreme, you know this. I am all or nothing and catastrophic thinking. I don't ride the roller coaster. I bungee jump. So I have to figure out how to put my W away somewhere safe, as I am not (at least now) ready to give up. I think you may benefit from doing the same.

Ready to know how to do that? Me too
It is something I am working on and it is hard, harder than working on me, as that is easy in comparison to not hanging onto my W.

So tuck her away, somewhere safe and focus on you. I will do the same.

Going to therapy this am and will ask about my anger and how to feel it and then let it go, along with other emotions. I know there is no magic pill, hoping for a straight forward answer, but will probably get some ideas that don't quite make sense.

Hang in there. I know it is hard, really hard, really really hard.

[jp787]

*nor do I care

[jp787]

SP. Read the advice given to me on here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...910#Post2356910

[labug]

Sp, about the anger, I don't think anyone is telling you not to feel it or that it's unusual to have anger. Anger is useful but it's not useful every time we feel it.

Our brain sometimes tells us things that aren't true. It's our job to learn to interpret and control that response.

What you describe most often is this, you feel hurt or sad, you don't like those feelings and want to put them on someone else (usually W) that's when it flips to anger because she "made" you sad. Again you want to go external. When you feel sad/hurt can you say to your self "I feel really effin' sad right now and I don't like this feeling at all but this is where I am"?

I know sometimes the pain feels like it will kill you but it won't. However, until you go there and find that out, you'll shy away from it. You'll want to make it go away, which usually means getting angry at the supposed source.

You can be angry, just use it when it's appropriate or would help the situation. How many situations can you think of where anger is a helpful emotion?

I am extreme, you know this. I am all or nothing and catastrophic thinking. I don't ride the roller coaster. I bungee jump. So I have to figure out how to put my W away somewhere safe, as I am not (at least now) ready to give up. I think you may benefit from doing the same.
This from jp is great. Do you notice how you went from not having an anniversary this year right into you'll never trust anyone again, no one will ever love you again without even taking a breath?

Live today, you have no idea what will be happening 6 months from now. I would bet, like most WASs here that your W was checked out long before the BD but tried to stay in the game until it got to be too much. Unfair, maybe but that's what's on your plate, my plate, most everyone here got served the same dish. Don't make up stories about it, harness your need to make everything awful.

You wrote that you don't want to become like some Dd friends of yours. I had a similar goal, to keep from becoming resentful and angry, I gave enough of my life up to those feelings. You said you "hoped" you wouldn't become those things and it sounded as if you thought it was up to someone or something else to keep that from happening. It's completely YOUR choice, through YOUR actions and thoughts. Stay away from those people who are like that because they will want to teach you how to be just like them. Misery loves company.