Thanks Alf and lovethehub.. well, the talk did not happen! So I guess it is back to Limbo-Land. Neither one of us started any sort of discussion.. so I guess here we go around again.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Alright, so I had a rough moment and told him I wanted to separate, which I now regret. He seemed surprised and like he wasn't quite ready to throw in the towel, although he still seemed to not have much hope either. So I guess he is sitting on the fence. We were supposed to have a talk later that night, and we both ignored that when the time came around. Since I seem to be the initiator in our relationship, and he avoids confrontation, I can see this scenario being dragged out for quite a long time!!
So we spent a nice weekend together. Saturday we spent the day out and about as a family, going to the park with the children, etc. We were friendly enough to each other, although he seemed distant.
Yesterday we went to his parent's house for father's day. I'm sure people out there can relate with this.. for this type of event I am not sure whether to invite myself along or let him go alone, etc. So I didn't mention anything about myself going, either way. Then as we were about to leave he asked if I was ready to go, so I ended up going with him. We ended up having a nice day at his parents house.
Although, after spending mostly the whole weekend with him, I am going back to "lovingly distancing". Frankly, it is hard for me to be around him, when he is constantly sighing, and looking distant/sad/thoughtful. So back to GAL's, and my 180s this week.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Just got back from jogging 4k... and I feel so much better! It took me a while to get up the motivation, but I feel less stressed out now so it must have worked. One day at a time right?!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I have to keep reminding myself to remain somewhat detached, focus on myself, GAL, etc.. and they say piecing is harder when we get there, oh boy! I noticed that almost as soon as H and I started acting M again, I lost focus on those things and it was noticeable right away.
Try not to talk about your R at all, just worry about you
I caught up on Crimson's thread today and there is a TON of great advice in there. Check it out...
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
So lastnight my husband finally initiated "the talk", this is how it played out..
H: I think it's time to start that talk from earlier. M: Mmm Hmmm? (looking at him to continue) Silence. Still nothing. M: We don't have to talk right now. H: I think we should. M: Ok. More silence. M: I know you still don't know what to do. H: Uh huh H: Why did you come down and say you wanted to separate? M: I don't know. I thought you needed space and time. I didn't mean it. H: (with weird look on his face) :ohh H: I wish I had the answer to what to do. M: I know. M: We don't have to decide anything. H: ok... H: How are you doing? M: Fine. I am just focusing on the kids and doing things for myself. H: That's good. (looks genuine) M: How are you doing? H: Not horrible, not great. M: laughing, "so mediocre" H: laughing, "yes". H: How have your walks been going? Are you thinking about things? M: No, not really. Just getting some 'me' time. H: Have you called your old work back yet? (to see about going back) M: No, I just want to make sure what I do makes the most financial sense at the time. H: That is awefully vague. M: I know. H: That is a broad statement. M: I don't know if I should be speaking to a lawyer. I don't know if I will be living here and if the children will be going to the same school. Do you know what I mean. H: Yes.
Then we go on to talk about a few details if we were to separate.
M: We can cross that bridge if we come to it.
[end of conversation]
Looks like we are not deciding anything and just keep going as we are?? Oh boy....
Looks like I still have some time to keep up the DB'ing.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I was so worried last night when my hubby said he wanted to talk... out of fear that he was going to say he was leaving. To me he seems uncertain at this point. I am not actually sure why he is sticking around. A few weeks ago he was so close to leaving, and now it seems he is second guessing that. So I guess we are just going to "keep on keeping on".
I love my husband but is there a point where the LBS just thinks, why would I want to stay with someone that is treating me this way, willing to break up the family without even trying to work on things. I am doing the 180's, GAL, keeping busy, etc. but keep coming back to that train of thought, unfortunately. I think it is crazy for him to consider leaving me, when we have 3 children in kindergarten.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Currently out on the back deck.. avoiding the hubby. I just dont have enough strength right now to deal with any of this. Hopefully tomorrow i feel stronger!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Ok, so today is going to be a better day! Well.. I'm going to get a pedicure and going shopping, so that should help
I am also starting to apply to some part time evening and weekend jobs. I figure, I'd better get on that! I am a stay at home mom right now.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So lastnight I asked my H about our talk from the other night (about separating). I told him I was confused about what we ended up saying in the end. I asked him what is going on. I said, 'ok..did we decide not to decide? I am confused.'
He said, 'We did NOT decide NOT to decide, we just didn't decide.'
I am getting so annoyed by all of this. I am pretty sure he is just stringing me along, this is an awful feeling I know there is a tiny shred of hope for him, somewhere under everything, that is the hardest part for me.
I guess we will have to see where his heart ends up leading him.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
If you are deciding to be patient then he is not stringing you along. You are standing.
If you try to guess the future and make decisions based on pride and hurt feelings and scorekeeping, which is what "annoyed" and "stringing me along" sound like, you may benefit from reading more from the vets on here and the 38 rules.
While you are being patient is a good time to do 180s and GAL like crazy. Do things for you. Become a spouse only a fool would leave. He might be that fool but you won't be helping him along with a sour attitude. Good luck!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
