first time(&last) & still need help

[nero]

okay- i admit i'm feeling a bit "stressed out" at thought of h coming here tue. he's been with ow all weekend- i hate him as usual - he comes 4 some sick agenda of his own.

it stresses me out to think of him looking aorund my world with his critical - superior attitude and finding fault with me and my "land". i don't care what he thinks- i don't want to hear it and i don't want to know it.

i want him and my mother & everyone else in the world who has a problem with me to shut up and go away. if they do not like what they find (in me) go rite away. i will not pursue & i don't invite them over.

anyone have a very pleasant way to say to someone's face - that is being critical or expressing their unwelcome opinion about something that doesn't concern them- to shut up and butt out???

i don't enjoy conflict - i'll defend a bit before shutting up-

[nero]

IGNORE PLEASE THE prior post- i hit submit from habit - meant to erase. it's a bunch of poor me - crappola. i just was venting- because i realized all (criticism) makes me look at my world differently sometimes - and takes the pleasure away (the garden anyway just now) . seeing thru someone elses jaundiced eyes - . why i allow it- i don't know. it just blips into my head.

i know - pma please. need tighter control of mind i guess.

[albamarie]

Nero, I'm a little uncaring today about h and his life. He's working and I'm enjoying the nothing to do day.

He cant give me or be what I need! Yesterday he kissed me supper fast our 3x's goodby, I stopped him, held his face and told him to never kiss me on the fly, and showed him, xxx, this is how you kiss a girl, you take the 3 seconds to make it feel real.

I didn't wan to kiss him or felt anything, I felt more like I was teaching a nerd from high school how to treat a girl.

My point is he is trying to be the guy he was and now that's not good enough for me, he showed me what a putts he is, I wasn't looking, he pointed it out.

I think your guy may be a WAS, IMHO!

I'll be back....D19 wants to use my credit card!

[nero]

he may be-

so, what's your "take" on why he doesn't just clear out? do you think he thinks he's being "a nice guy" not tossing me on the street? he's the stinkin lawyer- maybe he knows that even renters or squatters have rights - and he can't just do it??? a thought.

why would he bother keeping me around and paying bills - coming here- i truly don't get it.

he clearly doesn't want to be generous about me leaving and just hand over house and say adios. he could make it as quick and painless as he wanted.

honestly dawn- i'm not too kindly toward h either. he has chosen to find someone else more important than me (either him or ow - who?). i asked very little- only had to be the most important person in his life.

i don't think i can "settle" for this life.

idk- i'm getting a bit worn out with the lables and trying to figure what he is- besides a big fat lying jerk. that lable - im sure of. does it actually matter if he's mlc, was or doa? he goes on being nice to me verbally - coming here- no affection i can detect. i don't want to be just friends or platonic - EEUUUCHHHH i don't like being alone- i don't like being with him.

with him here it feels like it's "in my face".

I talked to my neices daughter today- 4yrs. her voice cracked when she was telling me to come down there fast because she misses me and maybe she could visit me. i felt like crying too- she's so little - she doesn't understand. I tell her my mommy needs help because she's old. lying to a baby- straight to hell.

it's been all about HIS life for too darn long- i miss my own life. i gave away too much - too willingly. who ever knew? me and my dopey ole romantic notions about love.

i answered phone "is that you?" cheerily - he said yeah, and i paused a bit and said "oh- wrong "you" - nevermind...-

he's such a putz too. i never would have known what a drip he was either- i was sooooo besotted. would have made excuses til my dying day for him.

oh well-

off to bed- maybe will get a call to work and keep me busy yet another day...

it's hard - isn't it. everyone can have opinions and strategy til the cows come home. we're a couple of people who had love- liked it just fine - thought we knew what our lives would be - and now find ourselves on the receiving end of h's in some sort of (what?) insanity/crisis/changeover.

i'm very tired - cold is now in my chest - he called here to ask about my insurance premium (researching new ins that may be less for both of us) ?? - like, doing something "for" me - like why bother. an excuse to call & touch base. why??- he "ran away" fast- fearful of any conversational fallout about his weekend.

this minute- i may not hate him- i may tho, i sure don't love him or lust after him- i just feel empty. i think he's caused my heart to go into hibernation to save itself. it's small and cold and in a dark dark place keeping safe (from him)

so- that you would even initiate a kiss- interesting. i can't bring myself to want to- and then, there are ALLLLLLLL those rules about do this, don't do that, etc.

just a very tired girl checking in- glad you're having an okay day afterall.

(( ))-

xxo

[albamarie]

none of us can ''settle for this life" that's why where here, were all fighters.

My h came home from work yesterday and I looked at him like who is this guy. That is who I am standing for, your such a loser. Nothing I would give the time of day to if we met today.

Me, me, me, is all he talks about. Every topic has to do with him, every thing that happend's is because of him, or could be better if only ''he'' got involved. I want to throw up when he speaks!

I want to pull the trigger! I want far away from him! Just pack and go and don't look back until I have a def answer whether to stay gone. I'm not even talk D, just going away from his face and voice will be enough.

I need a long lost aunt with a big house in a small town where everyone knows each other near the beach!

It's time to consider S, he is too comfortable knowing I am his constant, why would he work hard to be a better person, he's not living without anything!

Nero, we can't live as different people than who we are, they don't deserve to reap the benefit of that. They won't stay away so it's up to us to take control of our lives.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for checking on me Nero. I came by and scanned through your sitch too. 

These men make it so hard, don't they? I keep thinking maybe my H ISN'T having a MLC, maybe he's just turned into a philandering liar. Wouldn't the right thing for them to do be to come to their spouse and say "look I have fallen in love with someone else, I'm leaving"? 

Something you wrote made a big impression on me: "i don't consider lying and infidelity to be "changes of age". i find that to be changes of moral values & worth. did that make sense? chucking your integrity is not a normal "changes with age". imho - THAT is quite something else."

Do people suddenly turn their back on all of their moral and ethical beliefs? I don't think so. I guess our H's actions, like their affairs and the crazy things, such as  your H flying to NJ to fix a shelf, show that there is something terribly wrong. 

MLC seems to be the answer. Maybe it's not Nero, but for now the thought that maybe my H might turn his life around, and that he might love me again someday,  is what gives me the hope to keep standing. Until I can't stand anymore. 

Hang in there. We'll get through this together. 

[nero]

i know - right. i keep coming up with the same darn thing- perhaps mlc? it is all so crazy- and so many of the nuttie things fit with what everyone describes... mlc

MY ONLY SNAGGLE IS i know me- i am hopelessly romantic and want to see the good - have hope.

it's a blessing and a flaw (i think). HONESTLY- I THINK in the end - if i'm really really honest with me and you - it's all a crap shoot in this messy mlc junk and if we're lucky- things will work out - and if we're not- they won't.

i'd like to believe we had control in life (of much of anyting) and we don't. not with other people. like my theories of buying a lottery ticket-

if there's a GOD and he wants you to win- it does not matter what ticket you buy- the numbers might change- you will win.

that is that. i'm coming to accept the uncontrollability of life- in so many ways - is it good? maybe... idk- i'm lots better at the one day at a time thing (sad lesson - another one).

Wouldn't the right thing for them to do be to come to their spouse and say "look I have fallen in love with someone else, I'm leaving"?

you're repeating my "matra" here. my contention and major beef. more evidence of their "confusion & insanity" or lack of integrity??????

you sound a bit like me- either blessed or shackled with - HOPE. EVEN Atiny grain. someone said it in your thread- hope- it's ALWAYS THERE - no matter how small. a little candle lite in a giant swirling tornado-

so whattya think punk - do you feel lucky?????

hope your day is okay- h returns in a few hrs, feeling a bit edgy - oh well-

xxoo hang on- you're helpin me hang on a bit longer too- one more day okay!

[nero]

dawn - hi

wow- you sure sound DONE and then some. i think if it were MY CHOICE - AS IN my h was sniffing around and i was the guy deciding- maybe i'd feel the same. i've often wondered.

part of all of my trauma is that i am without power in this sitch- visa vie him - know what i mean? if he were dying for me back- maybe i'd say go jump in the lake loser. one wonders.

can you go "retreat" somewhere at all? no aunt huh? how long do you reckon you need to be away from him to normalize a bit? a stint or do you have "forever" in mind til you want to see him?

it's so tough for you- having him there - sometimes i envy it- sometimes i find it better to not look at his head.

when he's nice i think "maybe" - when he's ratty and a jerk i want to run fast and just stop it all rite now.

i flip and flop

i hope your day isn't a bad one. i'm so sorry for your quandry- i'll go buy a stupid old lottery ticket. who knows? if i win a bazillion bucks - i can get that cottage in england (maybe on shore- not sure about that) and you can come join me there and we can RETREAT BIG time- pretty garden jumbled with tons of flowers- stone walls with mossy stuff & a few sheep hopping around- scones (american ones that taste like something good to eat instead of a lump of sand - and so on. italian coffee (italian garden guy /loveman) allll the lovely pastry they make so well- every tiny village has a wonderful bakery full of real cream things- (and then their food is soooooo bad- wtf???) firm mattresses tho- where does one find one in england??? plumpie duvet- big fat english breakfast with bacon,eggs, toast, tomato, beans & something sweet-; pretty pretty countryside w/ hedgerows as far as the eye can see & rolling hills and NO HOT HOT SUN. COOOOL cooool english summer- YAY.....

MY HAPPY PLACE....

hope your day is okay- thanks for making me go there- i guess one can have a fantasy- it did make me feel better a bit-

woo hoo--xxxxoooo ((( )))

[Lioness821]

Hi all I'm new to the thread but really need some insight on my situation. And you guys seem to be so knowledgeable. I'm am really wondering if my situation is in fact a mid life crisis or if he really just wants to leave

My story.....

My husband and I some issues for sometime, but nothing major(so I thought), he has been angry for awhile I blamed it on the PTSD. We started drifting away earlier this year him sleeping on the couch me in the bedroom, this wasn't uncommom sometimes we just needed space and it would work itself out.

Well this time he came to me and said he wasn't happy and he wanted out he said my daughter his step put him through so much he can't get over (she's 22 and out of the house now). I was shocked, devastated, angry, all of the above. For the next few weeks he wouldn't speak to me or look me in the eye. I told him I missed him and didn't want a divorce he wouldn't even respond just looked through me.

At this point I started looking for an apartment, because we have a business in which he runs (but it doesn't make any money), I've worked since it started so we could survive. So financially I am the only one that has the money to look for a place.

During memorial day weekend I was planning on going to my mothers because I found out she was ill, my car broke down so I had no way up there. He planned a trip to a friends that weekend as well I explained my situation and he basically didn't care. He went anyway and took the other car.

A week later was his birthday he stayed out all night and when he returned he was very smug about it. I told him he wasn't going to disrespect me while I'm still in the house so he needed to leave until I move. The following day I found the cards given to him by OW (talk about devastated). Not sure how long he's been seeing her, but it had to be sometime. He was very arrogant about this as well, like my feelings didn't even matter.

I am very close with my inlaws, so they called me over. He was staying with them at the time. His mother said he is angry all the time and won't even talk to them. He comes in the house and acts like they don't exist. The same treatment he is giving me.

A few days ago he asked me if I could move earlier because he had no place to stay (his parents got fed up with the treatment). I told him to stay with OW he said it's not like that whatever. I asked him what happend with his parents and he said you talk to them more than me so you go ask them. I told him that is one relationship he needed to fix because his parents are all he has (he's an only child). He told me he wants to be a loner this next chapter of his life.

Sorry for the long post. I would really appreciate some input.

[albamarie]

Nero, I just cant work on any of this without crying right now, but that cottage!

I want to go, it's hilarious how your Happy Place, is IDENTICAL to my dream place. To many novels and the Beatrix Potter movie! I believe I am a renmake of one of those Ladies in my ancestry. My car dealer guy is from my ancestry town of Staffordshire England, love the accent.

Play big Nero! can you tell Im desperate!