Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[MrBond]

"She said she thinks I'm acting "good" now because I want her back and she doesn't trust that I've changed."

This sums it up.

She wants me to pay for camp for our kids and I've been avoiding paying it because, one, I don't have the money, two, she enrolled them without consulting me"

Then talk to her about it. Tell her there's no money. don't hide it.

"I also don't feel it was right of her to assume I should have to pay all of it when she wants a D."

That's correct. Although she doesn't have a job, correct?

"Since the start of all this stuff, I've continued to pay all the bills, so she just expects me to continue. She hasn't really felt the reality of the sitch in financial terms."

You're still trying to punish her.

"She didn't choose D initially. She gave you chance after chance, but you didn't want to listen and continued to do what you wanted to. Time to be honest with yourself here.

Are you talking about since BD, or in all of the marriage?"

In all of your M. She detailed it very well in the letter which you seem to not want to go back to.

"1st of all, I'm already back in the house. I do care about how she feels, but I can't afford to live outside the house anymore."

That's not a plan.

"My plan is to keep being as supportive as possible, to keep being the best dad possible, and to show her that when we do talk, I'm able to listen without raising my voice and reacting emotionally. I'am getting better at it."

That's not a plan. That's you doing what you want to do AGAIN.

"I will take your advice and tell her a code word to use if she feels uncomfortable in a discussion. I really don't know what else to do. I'm not good at plans!"

That's obvious. So what is the plan if she says the code word? When she says it you have to be able to go away somewhere for the night. No arguments.

"I know you think I'm being selfish, more of the same behavior, by moving back. I feel like I don't have a choice right now. I feel torn up by all of this. I want so much to R and w wants D so much. It's so painful."

You're still are being selfish and are taking on the victim mode. I don't think you get it that you haven't addressed any of her concerns that she had about you. You haven't changed at all.

"The 3 months living in an apt did help us to calm down, but it didn't help in terms of w changing her direction."

It's not supposed to get her to change direction. That's YOUR thinking. It was to get things on a calm environment because YOU were an emotional wreck.

"She's totally stuck and I guess I'am too."

She's "stuck" because you refuse to change.

"It's so crazy that the only way I can prove to her that I "hear her" and that I "listen to her" is to give her the D. Seems like she won't accept less."

No you've got it backwards. It seems like YOU won't accept less than staying with her which she clearly doesn't want. You haven't let her go and give her REAL space. You were always there hovering. You did read DR or DB right? You haven't detached or listened to her needs (listening means to act on them also) and you really don't "get" where she's coming from. You think her POV doesn't matter. She doesn't want you.

Sorry but that's the brutal reality. What are you going to do about it?