Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[dorightman]

Bond, today we go to her therapist.

Yesterday morning she told me her story again. She was blaming me for everything, all her anger for all the ways I failed her as a husband. She called me names, lazy, entitled. She said I never worked hard like she did, I never went to grad school, she did (I paid for!)

She spoke in absolutes, like there was never a good day in all 10 years of our marriage. It was hurtful to listen to. I listened and didn't freak out in the moment, but I feel it all now. It really hurts!

She said she thinks I'm acting "good" now because I want her back and she doesn't trust that I've changed.

She wants me to pay for camp for our kids and I've been avoiding paying it because, one, I don't have the money, two, she enrolled them without consulting me and three, she wants a D, but expects me to still pay for everything. I'm conflicted whether to pay for it or not? I don't want the kids to be disappointed, but I also don't feel it was right of her to assume I should have to pay all of it when she wants a D.

Since the start of all this stuff, I've continued to pay all the bills, so she just expects me to continue. She hasn't really felt the reality of the sitch in financial terms.

She didn't choose D initially. She gave you chance after chance, but you didn't want to listen and continued to do what you wanted to. Time to be honest with yourself here.

Are you talking about since BD, or in all of the marriage?

My plan about when I'm moving back?

1st of all, I'm already back in the house. I do care about how she feels, but I can't afford to live outside the house anymore.

My plan is to keep being as supportive as possible, to keep being the best dad possible, and to show her that when we do talk, I'm able to listen without raising my voice and reacting emotionally. I'am getting better at it.

I will take your advice and tell her a code word to use if she feels uncomfortable in a discussion. I really don't know what else to do. I'm not good at plans!

I know you think I'm being selfish, more of the same behavior, by moving back. I feel like I don't have a choice right now. I feel torn up by all of this. I want so much to R and w wants D so much. It's so painful.

The 3 months living in an apt did help us to calm down, but it didn't help in terms of w changing her direction. She's totally stuck and I guess I'am too.

It's so crazy that the only way I can prove to her that I "hear her" and that I "listen to her" is to give her the D. Seems like she won't accept less.