TVS..for what its worth..I believe that the small acts of physical touch are a good move in the right direction for you. I have thought about your situation a lot, and I do very much admire your strength of character and your steely resolve to dismiss the actions of your H.
I love this board, but the advice differs slightly from the advice of the DB coach, in my limited experience, in that area. My coach advised a small touch here and there, make the most of non sexual flirting, make eye contact which is regarded as a huge aphrodesiac and ask the H occasionaly to join you in a non-threatening activity. I have read others posts and the same advice is given. Of course, it may depend on the individual's circumstances.
I have the belief that your H may think you are completely fine with this arrangement. The TT is in a relationship that she obviously has no intention on leaving either, they could continue down this path for a long time because it is convenient for both of them. No-one questions anything, they have the best of both worlds and they get their kicks from one another, as well as having a family life that, to the outside world, is the envy of many. My opinion, as I said for what its worth, is that you may need to move more towards your H and let him know that you are still attracted to him and your intention is to re-connect. Of course, if he re-coils you take a step back and re-assess.
Playing stand-offs all the time is seeming like a cheeseless tunnel to me. You deserve happiness and only desire the best for you, I worry about you. I would be interested in your thoughts on this as my advice differs a lot from others here and also yours.
GAL is not the only one here who thinks like this. I completely agree with the two sections above that I bolded. I believe we should always be attempting to connect, at whatever level our spouse will accept at the time... unless we are done.
It sounds to me like your H is accepting of your attempts at connection, TVS. I'd step it up a bit, and monitor results. Like GAL pointed out, we can always back pedal.
Would you agree that H is content with the new normal, and not going anywhere anytime soon? If so, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit.
You actually have more power here than you know. You're the incumbent!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
