Just filed...

[Dubious Hills]

I spoke with H on Saturday -- I'd called him last week about the auto/renter's insurance to ask if he'd updated the address since he moved, and we'd been playing phone tag.

It was, again, fun. We spent a lot of time teasing each other, and settled back into what I think of as our pleasant selves -- light joking, light fun, etc. The only time it got really relationshippy was when I was talking about how my gift to my dad was going to the range with him, and how I'd used a shot gun for the first time, and my arm was all bruised up from the recoil. H jokingly said that he'd be interested in seeing my dad on a testosterone supplement because he'd probably be ultra into guns/wicked angry/really into working out. He thought this would be funny because my dad's really a quiet old man, a retired pastor. I got really quiet and here's what we said:

H: What? Not funny?
Me: I really hated it when you were taking supplements for your workouts. They didn't make you more manly -- you just got mean.
H: I don't think I was that mean...
Me: Well of course you don't. You were in your head, not observing yourself.
H: Then wouldn't I be the best judge of how I was???
Me: Okay, it's like... if you're in a car and you're going 65 in a 55 mile zone, it doesn't seem fast to you because you're in the car. But to the person or car you hit, that 10 miles can be the difference between life or death. That 10 miles can be really scary.
H: .....
H: No one's ever explained my anger to me like that before.
Me: Oh. Was it helpful?
H: Yeah. Thank you.
Me: Okay.

So then we talked about some other stuff until he went to bed. I was hoping we would talk on Father's Day, but he didn't call me. I thought about calling him tonight, but tbqh I keep feeling like that moment was really powerful in some way and *I* don't know how *I* feel about it, either.