You drilled the hell out of the nail there on the whole "just come naturally" thing. She said while living back at the house that she feels that there should be a "flow" to things where everything just kind if works. And that in this "flow" you're not always having to change or self-analyze or anything. How you are then and there is always sufficient. Likewise, on your "just come naturally" point, she said that she felt like she was "forcing" things with us....with me. Things that I guess she just thought "should come naturally" - even after all that we have been through.
She did read books, but I feel as though a lot of them (not all) were about self-actualization and not relationship/marriage skills and realities.
I have found that in times of crisis we tend to seek out opinions, beliefs, and points of view that already comport with what we already believe. It keeps us from having to challenge ourselves. Look at my early posts - I was NOT challenging myself nor was I inwardly directed. At all. Period. Why? Because it hurts. Well, it did for me at least.
Does this happen a lot in the reconciliation process, Bond (and others?) - these "scratch landings" where things are ok then go pear-shaped all of a sudden? Will we ever get it back? Honestly, what does it take? What does it take on her end? For a fleeting instant it felt so much like we were moving in a good direction. At this point I am willing to state that it is no longer just me. I have really tried to do my part of the work.
......and someone PLEASE tell me when it STOPS being about feelings for a WAS and starts being about realities? Does that ever happen??? What does it take???
"I have found that in times of crisis we tend to seek out opinions, beliefs, and points of view that already comport with what we already believe."
Not really. Look at DB. It's not "natural" and doesn't conform to what we automatically believe, but we are open to it. And it's that POV that allows people to change. It's the thought that you can try something that you don't believe and have faith in it that will help to get you out of crisis.
"Does this happen a lot in the reconciliation process, Bond (and others?) - these "scratch landings" where things are ok then go pear-shaped all of a sudden?"
Yes. That's why I mentioned the "false starts".
"Will we ever get it back?"
It can, but it's up to your W.
"Honestly, what does it take?"
It can, but it's up to your W.
"What does it take on her end?"
She has to look for and believe in outside help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree completely, Bond. I guess the difference is that I gave myself to DB because I realized what I was doing was not working at all. And I finally trusted the books and the help I got here from you and a host of others - even though it did not at all comport with my view of things. I trusted in something else....and it ended up being right.
I am struggling so hard with being angry right now....I want to just call her or e-mail her and tell her everything I am angry about....tell her she is being unreasonable.....selfish....that she acting against the best interests of our S, despite he claims that she is looking out for him. I want to say all of that and more.....but I know that silence and a calm exterior is the best thing to do now. It's just hard to keep it all in. I know this anger will pass, and hopefully give way to indifference. I guess I hurt so much when I am without my son it is hard for me to forget everything and just let it go.
SHE is the one that wanted to come back....I didn't ask....I didn't beg....I didn't bargain. I feel like I opened my heart, took a deep breath and trusted.....all too fast. And just as quickly, she left me....our son. I just don't get it.
I know I am probably just letting off some steam, but I am mentally exhausted and emotionally whipped right now.
How do I handle my feelings of anger? I feel like I need to let her know how upset I am.....but it just isn't the right thing to do.
That's why the GAL part of DB is so important. Some people think that GAL just means to go out and have fun. It isn't. It's a way of reclaiming your self-esteem so you end up being a stronger person. Go back to that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"That's why it's not uncommon for there to be several "false starts" when it comes to recovery. It's usually not until the LBS gets fed up with their lack of trying and actually become the WAS that things start changing.
Crimson - I'm not usually the one to blow sunshine up your youknowwhat and I won't do it here. I've always believed that your level of detachment has been insufficient to "really" get things back on track. And to be honest, I am angry for you for the way that your Ex has been stringing you along. She dumped you once and broke your heart and then she did it again! That is just plain cruel!!
Bond is right. You really need to consider moving on and getting your life back. Not because things are hopeless. But because if you don't you will be consumed by this messed up relationship with your Ex and before you know it another 2 years will pass you by and you will still be waiting and hoping and wondering...
Go get you life back, Crimson. Live your new normal and see where things end up. But you really need to stop looking over your shoulder.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Crimson Just wanted to share that I too was enjoying having my H back at home over Mother's Day (thinking we were piecing) only to find him gone by Father's Day.
We had been separated and I finally started feeling detached. Then, back in May my H emailed me out of the blue that he wanted to talk. In his email he apologized for many things and took responsibility for things in such a way that I felt like he had really heard me when we've talked about what got us to the point we were at. He made it sound like he would do anything to R our marriage.
He started moving back (in hindsight I see far too quickly) and went from being excited and upbeat to being more distant. When we hit our first serious conversation it took him less than 2 hours to pull up in the driveway to move everything back out. I didn't even see the conversation we were having at the time as an argument but he said "I don't want to be in a marriage where there is arguing" and used it as his cue to run away from here as fast as he could. He went from stating he'd do anything to R to leaving because things weren't perfect right away.
I certainly can't offer advice on getting past the first few bumps when piecing (I keep falling over them), but I can tell you that it is very comforting to think back to before my H came back this last time when I never would have expected to see him again. I had really believed he was over and done with things but then all of a sudden he was back in the picture again. I can't say for sure whether I'll get another chance but I can say for sure that I have yet to be right about predicting the future. You had her back once - there is every reason to believe that it can happen again.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
I appreciate your frankness, 2TP - always have. And, sadly, I agree with you - I don't think I ever adequately detached enough. No, I never did. I guess if this isn't motivation to just uproot, I don't know what is. I don't think I can do the back-and-forth dance too many more times again. It's just too much....too disruptive.
And SID, thank you.....you don't have to offer advice - sometimes just sharing your experiences is enough - perfect, even.
Crimson, nothing additional to offer other than support. You are already getting good commentary from others.
You have come so far already. Stay strong and keep working on becoming the best you possible.
Thanks for continuing to share your story - it's helpful to me and others....... Appreciate that.
Below is something I read a little earlier this morning that may be helpful regarding the anger part. I am sure you already know this, just a friendly reminder.....
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Sometimes the way to let go of anger is feel it, understand why you are angry and then say to yourself, is holding onto this anger serving me well? It holding onto it going to solve anything, is it going to propel me forward or hold me back? You need to find other ways to deal with all of that,J.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Crimson I don't think I've ever posted to you but I've followed your sitch since I've been here. I agree with Bond and 2TP that you need to get back to being you (I think Mach said something similar a couple days ago also). I get the feeling you're stepping back on the roller coaster from hell and no good will come from that.
You already know all this and I'm just regurgitating what others have said. Just want you to know I understand how you feel and I feel for you. Wanting to save something so bad while our S's are not ready or have no interest (mine) isn't fun. Doing it a second time makes my stomach turn. Waiting in limbo and looking over our shoulders isn't fun either though. Take back the strong Crimson that was posting a little while ago.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
